Amy's Journey

Happy New Year

2009-01-03T12:34:00.004-05:00

Wow! It's been over three months since I last wrote anything. It has been a bittersweet few months. I'm beginning this new year with much optimism and a healthy outlook.

Most of you who know me and follow this blog (if there's anyone left out there), know that Jessica Kaylor, my friend Janette's niece, passed away in October from breast cancer. Jessica and her aunts have kind of been like "Blog" friends, long distance from Texas. It was quite a tragedy for me when she passed away as she had a deep impact on me and my diagnosis. I understand she was diagnosed at stage 4, and I at stage 2, but I still felt a "sisterhood" as we were both diagnosed within a few weeks of each other. Life is unexpected and turns on a dime. Who's to say when it's your turn to go. Live every day to the fullest.

New Year's eve I found out that my friend Kristi, (my sister-in-laws sister) had a PET scan as a follow-up to her treatments and there are spots on her lung and lymphnodes. She had breast cancer (Stage 3) before I was diagnosed and had surgery, chemo, and the works. Now after years of remission, it seems to be back, now in other places. She also has 3 children my kids ages.

Are you sick of hearing about all this? I am. That's why I can't just sit and do nothing. That's why I started Community Cares. That's why I am trying to do my small part to help.

This past year I was able to help about 10 mom's dealing with cancer treatments or other type disease by providing their families with meals, laundry or cleaning. That's 10 moms, 10 dads, and about 23 children.

I was able to get about 19 business sponsors some of which are: In Putnam - Club Fit, Chili's, Dantes, Four Brothers, Ye Old Lantern, Fratelli's, Arturo's, Bucci Brothers, Dish, Charlotte Berwin Fine Foods, and Stahly's Deli, in Poughkeepsie - Chili's, Olive Garden and Bagaboo Creek and the list goes on...

I did all this with the help of all my volunteers. They all deserve a huge thank you and "pat on the back": Tracey, Joanne, Cheryl, Belle, Lisa, Sandra, Ann, and Karen. There are so many others to thank! And the list goes on...

I am humbled by the amount of donations that Community Cares has received. People putting their hard earned money up for a good cause, one I believe so strongly in. Each time I get a donation, it solidifies my resolve and says, "Yes, I believe in what you are doing, too!"

I had two fundraisers at Chili's, who have been WONDERFUL, and a great support for this cause. I need to thank Janette Yetter for her help with the Pancake Breakfast! I couldn't have done it without you!!

I was also honored to receive a nomination from the Cornell Cooperative Extension for the volunteer award ceremony they have at Guideposts. I was very humbled and honored to be recognized amongst so many here in Putnam County.

This past year has been a learning experience in the midst of the chaos of raising 3 children and caring for a wonderful husband. I feel like I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth, and it's quite a ride. "Thank you, Lord for another wonderful year!" and the best is yet to come!!

Community Cares Chili's Fundraiser

2008-09-17T14:23:00.004-04:00

Here is me and Elizabeth at our first Community Cares fundraiser. We are planning another one Saturday, October 18, from 8am to 10am also at Chili's. It's a pancake breakfast and raffle. I'll be selling tickets $5 for kids, $8 for adults. All proceeds go directly to Community Cares and are tax deductible.

Community Cares is a non-profit I started last year that provides support to families with children whose primary caregiver is going through cancer treatments. We provide donated meals from restaurants, cleaning services, laundry services, and babysitting services. It is all provided to our clients free of charge, therefore, we rely on donations from the community.

We are always looking for volunteers to deliver meals, teenagers seeking community service for babysitting, as well as business sponsors. I really want to get a nice website up this year. I'll keep you posted. For now, check out our site at www.CommunityCares.org.

Me & My Girls

2008-09-17T14:23:00.001-04:00

Pictures of Me & My Grandma

2008-06-11T23:26:00.002-04:00

Honoring My Grandma

2008-06-05T12:57:00.005-04:00

I did an interview for Community Cares for the Support Connection Newsletter. You can download a copy if you click on the Support Connection link on this page. Than look for the Spring Newsletter. I am in the Survivors section. They did a nice job!

As many of you know, my grandmother passed away last week. I went to Nebraska for her funeral. She will be missed. My family is taking donations in her memory and donating it to Community Cares. I was very touched and honored.

I gave a eulogy to honor her memory. Here it is:

When I thought about saying a few words about my grandma, I started thinking about a million stories, memories, trips we've taken. How she's been there my whole life and been to everything no matter where I lived, or what it was for. It's difficult to boil it all down into a few words, so I'll just highlight some of my recollections.

My grandmother has been there for me my whole life, 43 years... but that's not even half her life. She had a whole life before I was born. I often thought of her growing up in Minnesota, going to the lake, spending time with her family. She went to Johnson High School and graduated in 1932 and she ran track. I know, she gave me her class ring because I graduated in 1982 and I also attempted to run track. She worked at Montgomery Wards, married my grandpa when she was 21, and had a little baby girl, my mother, for her 22 birthday. At their 50th wedding anniversary I found out that they eloped and got married. After they had my mom, they had two more children, which turned into 9 grandchildren, which turned into more than 14 great grand children. They were married for 60 years. She taught me something about commitment.

My grandma was sweet, funny, humble, solid gold, self confident, generous, honest and strong. She was one of those people who would give you the shirt off her back, yet was uncomfortable taking anything back. If I bought dinner she was always digging in her purse to pay for her share (just like my mom). She deserved diamonds and gold and riches, but was happy with what she had. She was a true giver, always giving of herself, never asking for anything return, and never expecting anything in return. She taught me something about generosity.

I never heard her yell, cuss, never drink more than one glass of wine, I never heard her gossip or talk bad about anyone. She taught me about self control.

One of my greatest memories in my life, not just of my grandma was when we went to Sweden, with my mom, Diane, and Grandma. Spending time with her in Sweden is one of those gifts in life that don't come along that often. Going from house to house, tracing our families history, hearing stories, visiting churches, seeing pictures of her family. We were welcomed like royalty in Sweden by everyone and I know that was because of the great respect and love for my grandma. Everyone loved and respected her. From every walk of life, everyone who met her. She taught me something about respect, giving it and receiving it.

She didn't always have it easy, and life was sometimes hard, but you never knew it. She walked on, head held high, no complaints, no mater how she felt or how hard times may have been. She taught me something about humility.

I remember as a child always getting together at my grandparent's house for dinner. We would go over to their house and play tag, watch home movies, play cards, play in the basement. When we were kids the yard and grandma's house seemed so much bigger and so much fun. First thing we'd do is open the drawer in the dining room and pull out some crayons and coloring books. She made the best oven fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn. She made the best chocolate pies, pecan pies, pumpkin pies. She made the best Christmas cookies, which she made every Christmas, even this past Christmas. She always made pies at Thanksgiving, cookies for Christmas. After church, we would stop by and she'd take out her homemade sweet rolls, always ready when someone dropped by. She taught me the comfort of home and tradition.

My grandma was there for everything from birthday's and dance recitals, to baptisms and weddings, from the birth of my children to my cancer treatments. And I know she was there for all of her children and grand children, and even her great grandchildren. We always felt like we were the most important, and loved. She taught me something about the importance of family.

Some of my earliest memories are going on trips with my grandparents to the lake or to Minnesota. We would always stop at the gas station and they would buy a sack of candy bars and we would pick which ever candy bar we wanted. I loved that. She told us stories and jokes in the car on the ride. She loved to do puzzles, crochet, and play the piano. Some hobbies I also share with her. As many of you know she liked to go to the boat and put a few dollars in the machines. That was her social life. She enjoyed it! Whenever we got together we always played cards and laughed so hard. That kind of laughter is so genuine and fun and soul cleansing. Some of the best laughs I had in my life were with my grandma. She taught me something about just having fun!

Each of these recollections sounds small and ordinary. My grandmother wasn't rich or famous. She didn't have a big career, or fancy house, or was adored by thousand of fans. But each story adds up to a wonderful extraordinary, special women who was truly great. She is someone to live up to, someone to emulate, someone to tell future generations about. The don't make them like her anymore, but we can remember in our own lives the lessons she taught us, and take them with us. She lives on in each one of us.

I don't know haw many of you listen to country music, but there's a song by Kenny Chesney called don't blink. I goes "take each breath God gives you for what it's worth... Don't Blink, just like that your 6 years old and your taking naps,and you wake up and your 25 hight school sweetheart becomes your wife, don't blink you just might miss your babies growing like mine did, turning into moms and dads, next thing you know your better half of 50 years is there in bed and your praying God takes you instead, trust me friend 100 years goes faster than you think, so don't blink, life goes faster than you think." the last words my grandmother said to me was "I love you", so I'll make them my last now, I love you grandma...We'll see you again someday...

Come To the Community Cares Fundraiser

2008-06-05T10:55:00.003-04:00

There will be a Community Cares Fundraiser, June 23 at Chili's Somers by the Stop & Shop. 10 % of your total check will be donated to Community Cares. Just mention to your server that you are there for Community Cares. We will have flyers on hand to pass out to give to your server, but just mention it to your server so Community Cares gets the donation.

Check out the Community Cares web site (which will be soon revised) at www.CommunityCares.org.

More to come.....

It's Been 3 Years Since My Diagnosis - Still Strong

2008-03-04T09:55:00.004-05:00

It's been a while since my last post. I sure hope there is someone out there. Three years ago in February, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was the ride of my life. I went through surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. It was the worst experience of my life and yet makes me stronger and gives me purpose each and every day.

Having been through all that and now looking back it is very painful. I think my way of going forward and not looking back is what I am doing with Community Cares, the non-profit I started and am now working almost full time to help moms going through cancer, or other major illness take care of their children by delivering meals, housecleaning, laundry, babysitting, transportation, etc. All donated by businesses in our community.

It is so painful for me to have been through all that and see other friends diagnosed within a few months of me still fighting, still getting treatments, and yet still optimistic, and still strong. Jessica and Cathy, you are my hero's, you are. Its very hard for me to look back, I can only look forward. With every mom that I help, I dedicate it to Jessica, Cathy, and all the mom's out there who are raising their families in the midst of this nightmare of cancer and still find the strength to encourage everyone else.

My pain today doesn't come from the fact that I went through this. It comes from the fact that people I care about are still in the trenches. I pray everyday for you and a cure to this disease. I'm not a doctor or a researcher, but I will do everything I can to help women diagnosed with this to live better lives. I am just a mom, but I can do what I can do to help.

Okay, thanks for listening. I get a little emotional this time of year. It's when my journey through this began 3 years ago. I've been done with treatments for 2 years now. I am stronger than ever and ready for great things!

Happy New Year!

2008-01-02T12:26:00.000-05:00

May you have a very happy and healthy new year! We are very blessed this year as always to be healthy and very happy. This is the year I will get my non-profit off the ground. In case you don't know, it is called Community Cares. We help families where the primary caregiver is diagnosed with a major illness like cancer, or MS and we help out with laundry, house cleaning, meals, etc. Anything that will help families with small children deal with the day to day of maintaining a household while going through chemotherapy, or other debilitating health issue.

We work strictly on donations from the community. We depend on the generosity of local restaurants, laundries, and house cleaning businesses as well as donations from individuals and businesses.

When someone is diagnosed with cancer, you really don't know what to expect. When I went through chemo, I had lots of help from my family and friends. Unfortunately, there are people who are not as fortunate and may be away from family, or maybe don't want to be a bother, or even think they can do it on their own and don't want to ask for help. Whatever the situation, we are here to help. All our services are confidential and free of charge for our clients. Because our services are free of charge, we depend on donations to help out. I'll keep you posted on our progress. It seems like someone everyday is diagnosed with cancer and has children to raise. It's not easy, but that's where Community Cares help out!

MS Walk, May 20

2007-05-01T22:22:00.000-04:00

May 20th is the Sayegh Law MS Walk in Carmel at the Carmel Firehouse. I hope you can make it to the event and participate. It is always a fun event even if you don't walk. The following weekend in Memorial Day Weekend, and I am organizing a community tag sale in my neighborhood that will raise money for the MS Walk. So far I have four neighbors participating and willing to donate a portion of their sales to the Walk, and others donating items for sale. The Tag Sale will be Friday and Saturday, Memorial Day weekend, May 25th and 26th from 9:00 am to 4:00pm. The sale is located off of Archer Road to Oak Pond Lane. Follow the signs around the neighborhood to each house hosting a tag sale. I'll look forward to your support with a great cause.

I'm Back...

2007-04-24T21:55:00.000-04:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been 3 months since my last post. I guess that's good, no news is good news. As you can see from the pictures we went to Aruba after Easter and we had a great trip. We went with 4 families total. There were 21 people in our group. The kids had such a fun time with their cousins. We went jet skiing, snorkeling, we went on a banana boat, which is a banana shaped float that holds 10 people and is pulled behind a speed boat. We went on an 80 foot sailboat. It was all so much fun. We had a much needed break. Swimming everyday, beach, tropical drinks... I'm ready to go back!!

We came back to a real dose of reality. We came back just before a Nor' Easter brought about 8 inches of rain. Flooding everywhere, streets washed out, basements flooding, Thank goodness ours was dry.

Had a CT Scan a few days later. Those are always fun. It was a follow-up scan. The nurse has to set-up an IV to administer the contrast, and after 2 pokes of a needle and digging around in the vein, she had to get the doctor to stick me again. They can only use one of my arms since I had lymphnodes taken out of my other arm. My right arm has been stuck so many times! Anyway, my scan came out stable. No change, it's a good thing.

Spring is finally here and I am so ready for it! I can't wait to start planting. Hope you are all well. Enjoy everyday!

2007-04-24T21:31:00.000-04:00

2007-01-16T22:41:00.000-05:00

It's official, there is nothing significant in my brain! Yes! Let me explain... On my last visit to my oncologist, it was discovered on my blood work that my thyroid is low, and slightly anemic. I was sent away to visit another doctor to get more drugs to control my thyroid, and scheduled to go back to my oncologist for a follow-up blood test. At that follow-up visit, I casually mentioned I was feeling unbalanced and dizzy occasionally. I know, I know. I should keep my mouth shut. Anyway, Dr. Mills sent me for a brain MRI. Turns out, my brain shows no sign of malignancy, but a chronic sinus infection. They want me to see an ENT specialist now. Always something! I guess that's why I've felt cloudy and unbalanced. Thank God!

Christmas Pageant

2007-01-03T22:21:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T21:47:00.000-05:00

What a beautiful year ahead! Did anyone make any resolutions? I resolve to be healthy and strong the whole year long, and wish the same for you and your families. This past year has been a hard year for many. Last January I started with such high hopes after finishing chemo and radiation, only to end up in the hospital with an intestinal blockage. And now I am finishing with thyroid problems. Chemo and radiation wreak havoc on your body. I am hoping to put this all behind me and get healthier and stronger with each passing year.

We got back from Omaha last Thursday. We had a wonderful Christmas with my family. It went too fast. We were there for only one week.

Blessings to you for a Healthy and Happy New Year!!

What's New!?

2006-12-14T10:53:00.000-05:00

I have been out of the blogesphere for a while now. Anyone still out there? I have been busy, sick, sometimes depressed, sometimes happy - the usual. I've been so tired I feel like I can't get out of bed in the morning. I thought I was just sick. I went to visit my oncologist last week, and they always take blood. Turns out I have hypo thyroid which explains a lot. I'm also enemic. So I guess I have an excuse for being sick and tired all the time, I'm actually sick and tired. I went to visit another doctor, an internist, and they took more blood. Yes, I have a low thyroid. More drugs. Some of the symtoms of low thyroid of which I have all of - tired, vision changes, confusion, panic attacks, mood swings, joint pain, unable to form sentances or have complete thoughts.

I can't even collect my thoughts enough to write an intelligent sentenance. I appologize in advance. We decided on a name for our non-profit. It's called "Community Cares". The purpose is to help those affected by a major medical crisis in their lives, and still have families to take care of while they are getting better. Don't you know people like that and don't know what to do to help? That's where we come in. A neighbor or friend or family member will nominate someone in need. We will then access the needs of the family affected, and offer cooked meals, cleaning services as well as laundry services. When you are going through chemo, or major surgery, or have a debilitating illness, the last thing you want to think about is folding towels. Everyone wants to help, but don't know how. Depending on the situation of the person, their needs will be evaluated every 3 to 6 months, with the understanding that this is only temporary to help them rest and get better. My brother-in-law, Bill Sayegh is helping me get this thing started. What a great help!

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas! My husband got me a banjo for Christmas. What did you get? I told him once I've always wanted to learn how to play, and he goes out and get's me one. I love it! Let me know what you got this year. Also, if you have any good news, post it. I really need some good news.

2006-10-27T21:46:00.000-04:00

It's hard to know what to say anymore. I'm now in the follow-up stages of this aweful disease. Mamo's, MRI's set for Nov. Had bonescan in Oct. Had CT scan just before that. I am so thankful that I made it through, and I am doing well. Now I want to help those continuing to fight. I may have mentioned this before, (chemo-brain, bear with me), I want to start a non-profit to help mom's in our community who are going through cancer treatments either by organizing meals, cleaning bathrooms, babysitting, etc. I have a friend who is also interested and the two of us will be brainstorming to get it off the ground.

I understand that there are all kinds of fundraisers out there to cure cancer, but I want to help the women here today who are in the trenches of this disease, managing everyday life. That's where friends and family come in, but take it from me, it is hard for someone going through this to ask for help, and sometimes, there is no one to ask, and people don't know what to do or when to step in. I am hoping to start an organization to facilitate help for women going through this. Women in particular since they are usually the primary caregivers to their families, take care of the children, household, dinners, driving, working, etc. The spouse must continue working to help pay hospital costs, to keep medical insurance, and must manage extra duties that his wife cannot during treatments. It adds to the stress of the situation. If I had an organization that could do their laundry once a week, provide a meal or two a week and clean their bathrooms during their treatments, find a babysitter to get the kids off the bus, just to be a blessing in the middle of the storm. You come to realize how much the little things mean when you go through this. You can't take time off from being a mom, even when you are going through cancer treatments.

Anyone have any ideas what to call this new non-profit? Mother's Helper? Mom's Blessings? Get creative and let me know what you think. I'm sure when we get this off the ground we will be doing a fundraiser. That's way in the future for now. I'll hit you up, I mean, I'll let you know when we will need your help! Meanwhile, thanks for all your help. You all inspired me to do this since you helped me through my sickness and back into health. Now I want to give back to the communtiy.

2006-10-04T22:18:00.000-04:00

All is well with the bone scan. They just noted arthritis in the joints, so that accounts for the joint pain. I have a big laundry list of routine appointments coming up. Just follow-up as usual. My two daughters and I did the Support Connection Walk last Sunday in the pouring rain. It was very moving and uplifting. I am happy to be there again, however, I didn't see Glen Close. She is the celebrity spokesperson, and I saw her last year. The rain must have deterred her. We all had our reasons for being there, and I wasn't going to let soggy shoes get in the way. Last year I walked with peach fuzz on my head. This year I couldn't help notice other ladies doing the same. Every year there will be more. I found out others I know indirectly who were diagnosed recently.

If you don't hear from me I'm either at a PTO meeting, council meeting, Girl Scout Meeting, teaching Sunday School, planning a women's group meeting, planning a Sunday morning brunch for church, going to a long list of doctor's appointments, doing laundry, dishes, homework, driving kids around, blah, blah, blah! I can't fit one more thing into my day. Help...

Oncologist Visit

2006-09-14T14:38:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since my last post. Busy with school and scheduling, church and activities. Now the doctor's appointments are starting again. I had a visit with my oncologist Tuesday. The usual visit, exam, draw blood. At the end of our visit I half-heartedly asked if the Tamoxifen I am taking causes joint aches because I feel like a 90 year old women. She got a "look" on her face and asked to nurse to take more blood. Then she wrote a prescription for a bone scan. She mentioned it could be bone disease or arthritis or possibly my chron's disease. So off I go for another bone scan. If you have never done one (and why would you), I start off with an injection of radioactive materials, then wait for 3 hours for my body to light up like a Christmas tree. Then I lie on a metal table for 3 hours while the machine scans all my bones. I just have to lay still for 3 hours on a table. Can't wait. I think oncologist's just look for ways to torture their patients.

While in the waiting room I came across "Survivor Magazine" with Lance Armstrong on the cover. It talked about being tired all the time, that it is a long-term effect of chemo. I was wondering when I was going to get my energy back. You are kind of embarassed when you are so tired and blame it on chemo. I finished my chemo a year ago. I should be done with all the side-effects by now. Well, I don't feel so foolish now. Another relevation, the treatment of cancer is not done when the chemo and radiation is over. I think then you need to work on your spirit - something I need to address in the coming months.

I am up for my yearly mamo/MRI also. I will get the combo every year since the mamo didn't pick-up the tumor the first time. As you may recall, I found the tumor myself four months after a mamogram. REMINDER: Do your monthly self breast exams!! If I hadn't found it myself, I may not have noticed until my next mamogram in another 9 months. Who knows what may have happened.

This October 1st is the annual Support Connection Walk at FDR Park. The Support Connection helps women who have been diagnosed with breast or ovarian cancer. It's a fantastic event. I encourage everyone to attend or at least donate. The money goes right into programs that directly benefit our community and women, mothers, sisters, grandmothers, aunts and friends. I am one person who was helped by the Support Connection. Go to their web site and check it out. I have included a link on the right side of this blog. Attend the walk, you won't be sorry.

What I did on Summer Vacation

2006-08-17T18:48:00.000-04:00

Having a great time in Omaha. We have done so much. Last week I saw Brad Paisley in concert-FANTASTIC! Went to the county fair and saw a tractor pull, went to Kansas City and went to a water park and Worlds of Fun, took my mom to Las Vegas, went to an Indian Pow Wow last weekend with my sister and her kids, went to a museum, the zoo, spent time swimming at my brother's house, just hanging out with my mom and sister and brothers and grandma, saw my aunt Julie and her kids. And of course, shopping. I love shopping when I come here, because there is always a new shopping mall. Omaha is getting big! I'm having a ball. There's so much more I want to do, but there is never enough time. I'll be leaving on Tuesday back to New York, God willing! I'll post some pics if I can figure out how to do it again!

Today is my mom's B-Day so we just took her out to lunch, she doesn't want anyone to know - too late! My Grandmother's B-day is Saturday and we will have a party for her at my brother, Mark's house. We have some family coming from Minnesota, so it will be a celebration. One week and I'll be back to normal, missing everyone again. It will be nice to sleep in my own bed.

2006-07-17T22:22:00.000-04:00

Anyone out there? I'm here in Omaha for a few weeks. It has been quite hot. Enjoying my children, mom, and family. John just left today. He was here for a week. I will be back August 22. I'll be expecting a coming home party - ha ha hee! Nothing new to report on the health front - Thank the good Lord! I just pray that everything continues to be uneventful.

I continue to pray for others who are living with cancer, there are so many. Keep them and their family's in your prayers as well. See you in August!

2006-06-16T21:03:00.000-04:00

Well, I visited with my surgeon yesterday. She examined me and said that the inflamation was from radiation. That's what the scan said, and my doctor said it's not unusual for inflamation to show up a few months after radiation. She said it may or may not get better, but there is nothing to worry about. I'm very happy about that.

Happy Father's day to everyone! Keep Janette Yetter in your prayers. She ended up having surgery today to remove a growth on an overy. It is thankfully benign. She said she will be in the hospital until Sunday.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet, I'm in a lot of pain. I wish I knew a good chiropractor... I have terrible neck pain. John is taking good care of me. I just need to rest and keep getting adjusted.

2006-06-03T00:07:00.000-04:00

I got a call tonight, Friday at 6:00, from my oncologist. Not the time you want to hear from an oncologist. Anything they say to you always requires worry and follow-up. She said she was concerned about the inflamation showing up 7 months after radiation - my concerns also. I didn't have any inflamation on the CT scan 2 months after radiation, why would it show up 7 months after radiation. She said I need to see my surgeon.

Tomorrow is the Relay for Life to benefit the American Cancer Society. Should be another moving ceremony. It is always overwhelming to see all those names on all those luminaries. My friend, Cathy is cutting the opening ribbon for the walk. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about 4 months before me. We are all sisters in this battle. Wish me luck! I'll be walking for all the survivors who helped me in my treatment and recovery. Thanks Jessica, Kristi, Patti, Andrea, Carol, Diane, Cathy, and everyone who shared their story with me and gave me hope and healing. We really help each other. Thanks!!

Scan Results

2006-05-26T23:22:00.000-04:00

I got my scan results yesterday. Everything is fine. Nothing new except inflamation in the radiation area. I KNEW IT! You may remember a few weeks ago, I went to see the doctor and she sent me for a chest x-ray, MRI, and bone scan. I went to see her because I was feeling pain on the surgery side. Those scans showed nothing. Well, the CT scan showed inflamation, deep in the chest, most likely from radiation that wasn't on the previous scan in November (I finished radiation in October). I don't know what that means. I still need to talk to my doctor. I hope it will just go away, but can I really expect something so simple?

I also got my results from my genetic testing. It turned out to be negative, which means that my breast cancer is not related to genetics or family history. That is good!

Prayer Request

2006-05-22T17:16:00.000-04:00

I am republishing an e-mail I got today from my sister-in-law, Robyn. Her sister, Kristi, was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer a few years ago. Some of you may remember me asking you to pray for her. She has 3 children my kids ages. Anyway, she is doing fine, but I just got this e-mail about her friend, and maybe you can pray for her family. This is why I do the Relay for Life; I feel like I have to do something:

Karin Kelley is a good friend to Kristi; she has been very good and helpful to our family especially when Kristi was going through breast cancer treatments. She took our children under her wings when Kristi started working again and helped make our move to Lincoln easier for Kristi just by being the friend and person she is. Thursday night Sean (Karin’s husband) passed away, he has been battling cancer for the last several years and was diagnosed about the same time Kristi was. He was in his very early 40’s. He leaves behind Karin and three Boys Jackson (5) Logan (7) and Hunter (9). Hunter was with his Dad at there home last night when he died. We ask that you all keep Karin and the Boys in your prayers through this difficult time in there life.

Lord we pray that you will give Karin and the boys the strength and understanding they need to get through these difficult times, surround them with love and fill them with the comfort they need knowing that you are with Sean and he no longer has to endure the suffering. We ask that you keep a close hand on the boys as they go through there life and give them the strength and courage that you gave Sean and that the boys will learn and live by that.

We ask this In Jesus’ name Amen.

Thanks!!!

Chris (Kristi's husband)

CT Scan Tomorrow

2006-05-22T17:07:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know it's been a while since my last post. No news is good news. I have a CT scan tomorrow. They are following up on a nodule on one of my lungs, just to make sure it doesn't change. No worries! I am hoping this is my last one. I'll keep you posted.

The Relay for Life is in 2 weeks. If you wish to donate to the American Cancer Society, click the link to the right of this post. It will go directly to the ACS for our team. You can donate in someone's honor if you wish.

People living with cancer need to know that you are there! That is why the Relay is such a great event. It brings the community together to show everyone that we care, and are doing what we can to help rid the world of this disease.

2006-05-05T22:44:00.000-04:00

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Susannah and Sophia had their Broadway Bound show tonight. It was so good. Sophia was is a play called "You've Got The Power", and Susannah was in one called "It's Saturday." Both very good. They did an excellent job. I have the DVD if anyone wants to see. I think my girls were the best, of course.

I'm feeling fine now. Earlier this week I was dealing with a partial blockage in my intestine. I'm not quite 100%, but I'm better and better. My doctor said that 99% of partial blockages clear on their own, and I had my doubts, but so far so good. I was afraid I would have to go back to the hospital with a tube in my nose and do the steroids again. I just didn't eat, and tried to take it easy, but anyone with 3 kids knows that's almost impossible. I got about an hour of rest - that's a lot for me during the day. My doctor told me to take a hot bath and drink fluids. That's the first bath I have taken in this house since I don't know when. Who has time to soak in the tub? It was nice, though. I was actually rested and clean. I picked Sophia up from school and the first thing she said was, "Mommy, why do you look so pretty?" I guess she's not used to seeing me "primped" and relaxed. I'm usually running around in sweat pants on my way to or from the gym (or trying to get there!).

Susannah had a dinosaur museum at school yesterday, too. That's why I was actually dressed in "big girl" clothes instead of workout clothes. Each child in Susannah's class had to talk about their dinosaur, and they each made a diarama, and posters, and made dinosaur bones, and wrote a report. They all did such a good job. Matt Stefunek is in Susannah's "sister class", so we saw his presentation, too. Good job! I ran into Mrs. Daul, Matthew's teacher, and she told me that she is friends with the Bauerleins, and she had seen everyone the day before at the dinosaur museum. I said, I know and that Elizabeth told me Mrs. Daul gave her a turtle, and "isn't she special". Mrs. Daul, without missing a beat said, "Yes, she is!" I hope you enjoy your turtle, Elizabeth! I can't wait to meet him face to face.

Have a great weekend! I have more doctor's appointments next week. It is never ending. Check out the Relay For Life link on the right side. Our team is trying to raise $10,000 this year. You can help! Click on the link and donate any amount. Thanks to Hal and Winnie Hinz for your donation!

2006-05-01T22:45:00.000-04:00

John and I just got back from a long weekend in Las Vegas. We met my brother and sister-in-law there. We had a really nice time. NO kids. The last time John and I got to go away with just the two of us was when we spent the night at the Waldorf Austoria in NYC the day I found my lump. This was a welcome trip. I'm not a gambler, but I am an eater and a shopper. We had a great time. We also saw Barry Manilow and George Wallace. Two great shows!

The Tuesday before we left I went to Sloan Kettering in the city for the genetic testing. We'll see how that turns out. I'm pretty sure that will be negative, but my doctor suggested the testing since I'm so young to have breast cancer. They have a family tree all filled out and list causes of death, diseases, etc. for my family. Try doing that sometime. I was really surprised. I also found out that my cousin had breast cancer 9 years ago. They said it was small and they caught it early so she had a lumpectomy with radiation. Now she is diagnosed with metastatic disease and has terminal cancer in her stomach and spine. She is 48 I think. She is doing chemo to control it, but will never be cured. Keep her in your prayers. I haven't spoken to her in years, but called to get info for this genetic testing. We had a great conversation, and I'm so glad we got to talk. She's on my father's side, so they said her cancer is unrelated to mine. I wanted to get the genetic testing for my children. I figure the more information, the better.

I have been very emotional lately. I think because I spoke to my cousin and she's not doing so well. That could easily be me. That's why I chose to go full force with my treatments with chemo and radiation and now Tamoxifen. How do you know what to do? I chose not to get a bone scan, now I think I probably should have. I'll have to talk to my doctor and see what she thinks. I have an appointment this week with her.

I've also been having problems with my Crohn's disease. Same kind of pains as before that ultimately lead to the intestinal blockage that put me in the hospital last time. I was really sick today and spent most of the day laying down. I'm feeling better now, though, and will be in contact with my doctor at Mt. Sinai.

Now I'm getting mad! It's time for me to take my health back!! I'm not going to sit here and be sick. Diet, exercize, lots of water, supplements, whatever it takes. It's time I put Amy first, for myself, but mostly for my children. I don't want them to have to deal with a sick mommy all the time. I will not let sickness hold me back. Lance Armstrong took control of his health, and so can I. I can overcome anything, God willing. Crohn's, cancer, I will put this behind me and not live in fear. Pray for me, I need strength. I can do it. I will do it.

2006-04-17T09:36:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter to everyone. We had a very busy day. Went to church at 8:30, then everyone came to our house for dinner. Had an Easter egg hunt in the yard. Today, I am exhausted. My sweet husband cleaned up the kitchen this morning so I'm going to take it easy today. Last Easter is just so vivid to me. How I felt, the uncertainty for the next year. When I went up to take communion, I glanced up at the chior loft, and saw Elizabeth doing bells. Looking stylish wearing her scarf, in the middle of her chemo. It seems every year there is one more person. It was a bit emotional for me. I'm just a baby.

But here I am a year later, cancer free!!! I got my test results back and they were all negative. I have a bone scan scheduled for Tuesday, but I think I will cancel it. I now know why my joints all ache. I went to Mt. Sinai to visit with a doctor there to discuss my Chrons disease. That's what put me in the hospital in January. I don't want to relive that. Anyway, come to find out, Chrons is simiar to Multiple Sclorosis in that is is an immune disease, and even asked if I had people in my family with MS or lupis. Come to find out, I'm not 100 years old, it affects your joints like arthritis. I also found out that my red, bloodshot eyes is also a sign of active disease. Who knew? Surgery may be in my future for this, and may be the best option. Very informative visit. More to come, I'm sure, as he evaluates my tests, films, etc.

I need a full time secretary to help me manage doctor's appointments. When will it end!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-07T10:01:00.000-04:00

I made it through one year. Yesterday was one year since my surgery. It's kind of like my new birthday, only it's like the first step to the rest of your life. I stopped by the see Elizabeth and drop off some baked goods. She's doing great, looks great, and aside from being tired says she feels fine. I think chemo is a little like a lobster being dropped into a cold pot over a flame. You get sicker as you go, only you don't really feel it until you're really sick. Does that make sense? I remember feeling fine during chemo aside from having bad days, but once you have your last treatment you think, wow, I was really sick. It just sneaks up on you and the effect is cummulative.

I'm having Easter at my house this year, and planning Sophia's 6th birthday. Tomorrow is John's 40th!! He didn't want anything special. We are going to Las Vegas at the end of the month. I've been so busy. So much for taking it easy!

Lion's and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!!

2006-03-31T12:35:00.000-05:00

That's all I could think of - Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! from The Wizard of Oz yesterday when I saw my oncologist at Sloan Kettering. I told her about some minor pain I've been having around the surgery/radiation site, so she prescribed an MRI, chest x-ray, and bone scan, Oh My! I guess that's all they can do. They have no idea what's causing discomfort, so they use the tools available to them. It's just a pain for me to schedule and go to. It takes a day to get all that done. Then there's the mind games attached to getting the tests and waiting for the reports. I'm sure it is nothing, and the doctor said "I'm sure it's nothing," but my mind tends to wander. They are being cautious, and I guess so am I.

I guess I'm getting geared up for Easter. Last year at Easter, I was just diagnosed, and I think that pain is coming back. I remember on Easter feeling so calm and so confident in the midst of the storm. That's Jesus. I need to keep my eyes on Him. I am strong and confident in Him. There, I feel better already. Thanks for listening to me ramble. I guess this is my therapy.

Long after the treatments are finished, you still feel betrayed by your body, and wonder if you will ever feel safe again. I'm still waiting to get to that point, so until I get there, Thanks for Listening!!

Die Fred, Die!!!

2006-03-22T22:02:00.000-05:00

Well, I went to chemo again yesterday. ... With my friend Elizabeth. Those of you who don't know, Elizabeth was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma within the past month. She started chemo on Tuesday, and I along with her mother, accompanied her on her first day. She has 6 total treatments. The goal is to kill Fred (she named her tumor). You must check you her blog at EJBauerlein.blogspot.com. I got to hear cute stories about Elizabeth, and all the grey hairs she gave her mom. About the time she lacerated her liver at a church picnic, when she got lost in the woods when she was about 2 or 3 and they found her walking down the middle of the street, when she had a tea party on the top of a camper, etc. I couldn't help but think about my own children.

We camped out for the day. Her treatment lasted for about 5 hours. Turns out, Elizabeth is doing 2 of the same chemo drugs I did. I finished chemo last August, but it is amazing what you forget, or maybe you just block it out. Unfortunately, Elizabeth now becomes a member of the chemo sisterhood. I hope I can help her in some way. I would love to make it easier for her, but unfortunately, it's something you have to go through yourself.

Elizabeth is not mushy, but I am. I will publish the mushy parts on my blog. For all you mother's out there, say a special prayer for those with sick children. Even if those children are 27, 30, or 41. This one's for you Judy, Mil, Mom... It is hard for a mother to see her child have to go through something like this. That was the only time yesterday during the treatment when tears were shed. Elizabeth's mom, Mil, had to watch as her daughter was hooked up to chemo drugs to kill "Fred" hiding in her neck. Mil said she would go through this instead of her in a heartbeat. I understand that totally. I have said all along that I would rather go through this than any of my kids. It must be painful to watch your child struggle with an illness like cancer. Hats off to you mom, you are my strength; hats off to you, Mil, you will get through this, too. Just think, next year at this time Fred will be long gone, and Elizabeth with have yet another cute hairstyle.

Grace Touches My Life

2006-03-18T00:46:00.000-05:00

The following is the "temple talk" I gave at my church, Grace Lutheran, here in NY. I thought it was appropriate to reprint in my blog since it applies to all of you as well as you were apart of my journey and healing through breast cancer. My task was to discuss what my church means to me and how it touches my life. I am not one for public speaking, and it scares me, but once I started, it was hard to turn it off. I have had such a great support throughout this whole "adventure", and I had the opportunity to thank the entire congregation publicly. Thank you to all of you, and thank you for your prayers, thoughts, and support.

John and I were asked today to speak about how Grace has touched our lives. If you heard Kathy Sherer last week, you will hear some similarities in our stories about how we came to Grace. I grew up in a Lutheran church in Omaha. I was raised in Sunday school, youth group, all my best friends were friends from church. I went on ski trips, canoe trips, retreats. I had a great experience growing up, and I’ve always dreamt to pass that on to my children.

John grew up Catholic, but since I agreed to move to New York, and leave my family in Nebraska, John agreed to attend the Lutheran church. After going to another Lutheran church in the area, and meeting with the pastor there, we both felt something was missing. I can’t remember one person who spoke to us, or one face. We probably attended every protestant church in the area until we found Grace. Unlike other churches, I remember the faces and the people who said Hello. One of the first people I remember going out of her way to say hello was Maria Hughes. That was just the beginning of a wonder friendship, and a series of friendships to come. That is how Grace touches my life.

Pastor’s first visit to our humble condo I remember telling him that John and I just found out I was preganant with our first baby, Susannah. I think that was probably in Januray 1998. Soon after John and I joined the church officially, and that was just the beginning. John and I attended regularly and soon I met another pregnant women even larger than me, Nancy Wood, (which was unusual since Susannah was 11lb 3oz.) , of course she was pregnant with twins. Soon we developed friendships that would last and become more meaningful as the years went by, the Yetters, Woods, Stefuneks, Bauerleins, Hughes, Brabans, and on and on. That is how Grace Touches my life.

I remember just getting invited to a girls night out, and not really knowing anyone. This was going to be the first time to go out with the ladies. Sue Dunn called me a few days before to cancel saying the Rudolf’s house had burned down. The church rallied and helped to raise money to get them back on their feet. That was my first time I saw the church in action, to make a difference, to help a part of our church family through a terrible ordeal, through prayer, donations, and genuine concern. That is how Grace touches my life.

When John and I joined the church we sat on the right side of the church about four rows back every Sunday. Behind us sat Marion Rudolph and her daughter Sue, every Sunday. Susannah and Mrs. Rudolph developed a relationship, flirting over the pews, and Mrs. Rudolph would bring Susannah something for Christmas and Easter. Soon she continued the tradition when Sophia was born. When Mrs. Rudoph died, Sue told me that when her mother was dying in the hospital she would tell her to think of holding the girls hands, and think of their tiny fingers holding hers and that was a sweet thought in her final days. That is how Grace touchs my life.

Soon after, Sue took up the tradition and would buy all three of my children something for Christmas and Easter. She was a special lady. When Sue herself was dying of cancer at Northern Westchester, John and I would take the kids to visit. She always looked forward to seeing them. The last time I saw Sue, I was taking her communion as part of the Eucharistic ministry. She died not more that a week later. That is how Grace touches my life.

I remember Susannah’s first Christmas pageant. She was a sheep as were all the pre-schoolers in the play. She stood next to Mark Yetter, who was a cow, and they were singing and swaying to the music. Soon the swaying became bumping into one another. The bumping into one another became, hitting, and then a leg and then Richard Hoover, their shepherd had to break up the brawl between the sweet little lamb and the adorable little cow. That became part of one of Pastor’s sermons, and after reminiscing about that all these years later, people still remember the pageant when the lamb and the cow went at it during the pageant. That is how Grace touchs my life.

Everyone in this church is a part of our extended family. Our first baby-sitter was Erica Bauerlein, and then Elizabeth Bauerlein. My kids loved them and we felt comfortable leaving our children to them. When I found out I was pregnant with Alex, I remember asking Elizabeth how much she would charge for babysitting three children. Her reaction I will remember forever. She was so happy for us, and I was so touched. The Bauerleins became an extension of our own family and Janette Yetter and I kid them that we want to be an adopted sister since both our families are in other states. I think we did become honorary sisters after all. The first Easter egg hunt Susannah attended at the Bauerleins was when Sophia was born. My cousin visiting from Sweden took her while I recouperated from giving birth just days before. Last year, I was recovering from surgery, and Bill Prazenka came to my house to find out why my kids weren’t there and he and Brian and Evan DeMarzo proceded to take them to the Easter Egg hunt. I was looking at the video recently and trying to figure out who’s voice that was taking the video, and when this was that Katrina was taking the kids Easter egg hunting. I realized quickly that it was of course Bill’s voice, and he was following my kids around with Katrina taking video so I could see them. This is how Grace touches my life.

It was exactly one year ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. What a year. Some of the darkest days I’ve ever known, and some of the brightest. I remember e-mailing Pastor as soon as I found out. Soon there after, the emails, letters, prayers, meals, began. I could not have imagined the outpouring I received, and I can never say thank you enough. Words can’t say thank you enough. I remember Pastor’s sermon on Easter morning last year about how life can stop on a dime. We sat in the front of the church, and I could hear the sniffles all around me and I felt like Pastor was speaking directly to me. This is how Grace touches my life.

Last year not long after, I attended the Relay for Life, and outreach for Grace at Mahopac High school. It was difficult since I just had a treatment two days before, and I just lost my hair and was a little embarrassed to be wearing a wig. I didn’t know if I would have the strength to walk around the track for the survivor’s lap, emotionally. I did the lap with Elenor Vogel on one side and Carol Hoover on the other and everyone else cheering from the bleechers. I had the strength. It seems that every year one more person from our church walks that survivors lap, and we are all there to support one another. That is how Grace touches my life.

You brought me meals so my family could eat. You took me to chemo treatments. You took my children under your wing. You prayed for me and my family. You baby –sat my children so I could sleep. You took time out of your busy lives to send a card to let me know you are thinking about me and my family and praying. You sent flowers. People tell me they admire how strong I am. That I made it through the most difficult time in my life because of some inner strength. They are wrong. I made it through because of the strength I got from The Lord, that continuing relationship that began all those years ago in Sunday School and Youth Group as a child, and the strength I got from you, Pastor and my family. You prayed when I couldn’t, you cooked when I couldn’t, you drove me when I couldn’t, you took care of my children when I couldn’t. I could not have done it without all of you. That is how Grace touches my life.

Now I am so thankful for you, my church family, more than you know. I just hope I can give back as much as you have given me. And I pray that my children will grow up with the happy memories as I have had. For them, their life-long walk with Christ begins today, in this church. This church practices what Jesus first taught us, love your neighbor as yourself. Treat others as you want to be treated. We are not perfect, but I do know that if you are looking for Jesus, you will find him at Grace. That is how Grace touches my life.

Thankful for Every Day!!

2006-02-22T18:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm getting used to the hair. I know there are bigger things in life, but when you've been bald for the better part of a year, it just becomes more important. I don't have much to say, Thank God! My next appointment is in April for genetic testing at Sloan Kettering in New York City. Should be fun.

I am just so thankful for every day. I am thankful for days when the word "cancer" doesn't even come to my mind. I remember during my treatments thinking, "will there ever be a day when it's not on my mind." Well, I think those days are coming. Yesterday, I had a great day just doing "Mommy" stuff - getting kids on the bus, picking them up from pre-school, doing laundry, making dinner and being so thankful that I can do it all.... I just had to get up from the computer and threaten one of my children, I love being a mommy!

I will enjoy each and every day without sickness. Those days when that is all you can think about are suffocating. I can now feel like I can breathe. I don't know what to do so it never comes back. I'm not sure there is anything anyone can do. Just try to live as healthy as possible, and enjoy every precious day. Enjoy every day, even the seemingly mundane. It can all turn on a dime.

When I hear the song by Tim McGraw called "Live Like You Were Dying", I just think, "That's not what I'd waste my time doing.. "I'd go sky diving, I'd go Rocky Mountain climbing, I'd go 2.7 seconds on a bull named 'Fu Man Chu'..." I'd just spend every minute with my family doing nothing, watching movies, hanging out, playing games, wrestling my 3 year old. Those days are precious. I love every moment (although I could use a little alone time occasionally, a massage would'nt hurt either - ha ha ha).

Where's Amy?

2006-02-13T12:37:00.000-05:00

Hello Everyone! Well, It is appoaching the one year mark since I was diagnosed. I am pretty emotional about it. I'm not sure if that's because of the Prednisone, or just normal. Last year at this time, John and I planned a night at the Waldorf in New York City. The morning of the day we left, I found "the lump" that would change my life. The whole weekend we were supposed to be having fun, I was scared, crying, not sure, hoping it was nothing. Then on Monday, the doctor's appointments started and haven't let up since. (I had two appointments last week!)

Last week I attended a support group meeting at the Support Connection for young survivors. We all have young children and are in varying stages of recovery. It was nice to talk to others in the same situation. I also found out that another mother at the playgroup where Alex goes to school was diagnosed December '04. She's to her one year mark now, only she is stage 4. She has spots on her liver. She also has a 4 year old and a 6 year old. You can add her to your prayers! She has not done any chemo since she is stage 4. I think now for her quality of life is important as well as stopping the spread. Makes my problems now sound so trivial.

I'm having a break-down because of my hair. Or maybe in spite of my hair. Or maybe I'm just breaking down. Everything is catching up with me. Last week I went in to the hair dresser to get a lift. I am feeling blah, and wanted to get some color to make me brighter and sunnier (and hide grey). Anyway, I ended up looking like a man. Now I'm experiencing the trauma of my hair falling out all over again. My hair, which has been blonde my whole life, is now brown and dull. He also asked if he could just "clean it up a little". I said "okay". He trimmed my hair, which was only about an inch long to begin with. I now have shorter, dull brown hair with sideburns. I am traumatized now. Alex looked at me and said, "Mommy, you look like a boy." Can't argue with a 3 year old. Sophia said, "Mommy, what did you do to your hair?" I just wanted to cry.

You just get to a point where you want to feel like yourself. I look in the mirror after gaining so much weight after taking the steriods, and not having any hair and now "man hair", and I wonder where Amy went. I have no time to myself, to do anything I once did. Kids and housework and activities and everything and everyone else comes first. Where did Amy go? When I find out, I'll keep you posted.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-08T10:52:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Our trip to Nebraska was fantastic. We just got back on New Years Day. Still trying to get everything back to normal. We got in Sunday night, the kids went back to school on Wednesday, and I was admitted to the hosptial on Thursday night with a bowel obstruction. I am now in the hosptial to see if it will clear up on its own, otherwise I will need surgery to clear it up. Hopefully it won't get that far. I have Crohns disease, but have never had much problem with it until now. I think probably something I've been through this past year triggered it.

Now I'm just sitting here in bed with an NG tube in my nose going down my throat to get anything out of my bowels. I can't eat or drink anything and haven't since Thursday night. The nurse just came in and gave me a Cepacol for my throat - what a treat! First thing in 3 days. I'm much better today. My spirits are up and my attitude is great. Today is a new day.

I have never felt pain like this before, bar none. I was laying on the floor unable to move when the EMT's came to get me Thursday night. I was pretty low when I got here, feeling very sick, lots of pain, wondering what's next. Today is a beautiful Sunday morning, I got to see my kids last night, and I got a Cepacol this morning, which I am enjoying as we speak.

It's amazing what you consider a good day after all that I've been through. Forget about pampering, I just want a shower; forget about a big fancy meal, I just want a glass of water; forget about running 3 miles on the treadmill I look forward to walk around the room a few times a day when I'm not hooked up to anything.

Right now I'm looking forward to John bringing the kids up to see me today. They are so sweet and I can just see the concern on their little faces. Alex didn't want to leave last night and was crying, and of course that started me up. They all made me sweet cards and we snuggled in my hospital bed, all four of us. We watched "Annie" with Carol Burnett. I was very touched when they sang, "The Sun Will Come Up, Tomorrow..." Perfect timing.

Anyway, I'll just lay here with my laptop and catch up on my e-mails. Send me messages so I have something to do! John got me a laptop for Christmas. I Love It. God Bless you and your families, have a great New Year!!

No News Is Good News

2005-12-13T10:36:00.000-05:00

I've been really bad about posting news. Thank God, nothing to report. I had a follow-up ultra-sound to see the cyst on my overie, but it was gone. The tech said that's good and there was just a bit of fluid which probably means it burst and that is normal. I can breath a sigh of relief.

Now the Christmas season begins. Lots to accomplish, bake, shop, wrap, decorate, pack. I find joy in everything, even though it is a bit stressful. Yesterday, I was taking laundry down the stairs (my comforter from my bed that Alex had an "accident" on) and I tripped over a bucket which sent an army of small toys flying. I'm always telling the kids not to play on the stairs. I could have gotten mad, (I did, for about 2 seconds), but then I just thanked God for my children.

Thank you baby Jesus for coming to save us.

The Power of Prayer

2005-11-26T10:23:00.000-05:00

It has been so long since my last post. I think because when I finished, I just didn't want to think about it anymore. It's kind of like my husband John, who when he is sick of talking on the phone, when he hangs up, he almost throws the phone to get it away from his ear. I guess I feel the same about cancer treatment, so I just had nothing to say.

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. We did. John and I hosted Thanksgiving at our house this year. I really have a lot to be thankful for. We had 24 people for dinner. It was really a lot of fun. Thanksgiving morning the kids woke up to snow on the ground. They were so excited. It was really a great day. The only thing missing was my family since they are in Nebraska, but I was with them in spirit! My daughter, Susannah said. "This is the best day of my life!" We all have a lot to be thankful for.

As a part of Outreach for our church, I am trying to start an active prayer group to pray for our community, leaders, our prayer list, whatever we are lead to pray for. Any church members reading this, please give me a call and we can get this started in January. Anyway, this journey has taught me the importance of prayer and how important it is to pray for others.

When I was first diagnosed, there was a breast surgeon in New York City who was struck and killed by an ambulance as she was crossing the street. The story went on that she was a pioneer in the field of breast cancer, and what a great loss it was. I was so moved, I began praying for her family, and also her patients. I could not imagine if she were my doctor, and then suddenly killed while trying to save my life. A few weeks ago, I was pampering myself getting a pedicure. I was reading an article in a magazine about a women who had breast cancer and how she is getting on with her life. I was so touched and fighting back tears with my feet soaking when I read that she was one of the people I had prayed for. She said it was her doctor who was stuck by an ambulance all those months earlier. I felt like, wow, full circle, prayer comes back. You never know who will be covered by your prayers, and how you can touch others and be touched.

I have so many other stories about how prayer has touched others and touched me. You never know where your prayers will take you and how God moves to answer them. Sometimes they are answered for the people you pray for and sometimes they are answered for you. Not my will, Lord, but yours.

I ask you all to keep praying for healing for Jessica Kaylor who has breast cancer, for Rosemary Wirth in Minnesota with Melanoma, for Diane Taylor, my aunt who is recovering from her double mastectomy, for Lois, Kristin Severino's mom, for Joan, stage 4 ovarian, and Jim, prostate cancer in Minnesota, and myself. I have another CT scan next week as a follow-up. Just pray that it will be clean! Even though I am done with my treatment and my prognosis is very good, you always have that fear with every pain you have. I have been having some weird abdominal pains that my doctor wants me to check out, so off I go for another CT scan. I'll keep you posted.

Support Connection Walk in October

2005-11-26T09:56:00.000-05:00

This is Janette Yetter and myself finishing the walk in October. Janette was with me at the beginning of this journey and it was fitting that we finished together as well.

It was overwhelming how many people were at the event. Many walking in memory of mother's, sisters, aunts, friends who lost their battle. Janette and I were walking for survivors! For myself, my aunt Diane and for Jessica, Janette's neice in Texas who is still battling this terrible disease. Please continue to pray for Jessica! She has been in remission with stage 4 breast cancer, and at her recent scan they found a few more spots of cancer. We will pray for total healing for Jessica!!

All Done!!

2005-10-27T23:48:00.000-04:00

Yes, I am done with radiation now. Thank the Lord! It's been one week without having to drive down there and get zapped. I actually got to drive Alex to school, talk to his teachers, talk to the other mothers. I went to the gym and worked out. There is actually life out there in the morning. I don't know what to do with myself. I think I just need to rest for a while.

I had an appointment with a pulminary specialist and he was unimpressed with my previous CT scan that suggested pulminary hypertension. I am not surprised and expected such. He said for me just to follow-up with an eco-cardiogram if I want to be certain.

I am now taking Tamoxofin and will continue to do so for 2 years. I'm supposed to take it 2 times a day. I am not used to taking anything, so this will be a real test to see if I can do it 2X a day. I already forgot once. Tamoxofin is supposed to help diminish the chances of a recurrance by blocking estrogen in the body.

I am looking to get my life back. My eyelashes are back, maybe that's my sign. I am now walking around without a wig and without a hat. It's pretty short, but it's my hair. I figure that this is as short as it will ever be.

Thank you Lord Jesus for getting me through this! Thank you friends and family! I did it. I now join the thousand of survivors who came before me. We did it!

One more week!

2005-10-17T18:32:00.000-04:00

I am so relieved to be in my final week of radiation. Friday I will get my last zap. Last week I finished up the radiation to the entire breast area, and this week I get radiated in just the area around where the tumor was. That is called a boost. I am red and sunburned and itchy and tired and achey all over. I didn't think radiation would be so draining. My energy is zapped and I have been sleeping as much as possible. I get tired very quickly. Could be why I haven't "blogged" in a few weeks. I can't wait to put this chapter behind me.

My aunt Diane had her surgery last week. She opted for a double mastectomy so she could rest at ease not to have to go through this again in a few years. I admire her courage. She's doing great and recovering at my mom's house. She's been one of my biggest cheerleaders and now I want to be hers! You GO Diane!! You are so strong and courageous! I am proud of you.

I went to the gym for the first time since I started radiation. It felt really strange, and my body feels weak still. I haven't felt like this ever. I've always pretty much worked out. Or when I took time off, I felt pretty good starting back, but today I actually felt sick after I worked out. I didn't even do much, just the elliptical trainer. It felt good to work out, I just felt really weak after. I have a lot of work to do and am eager to get back to doing it!

I have many doctor's appointments set up now as follow-up. MRI's, mamogram, bone density, follow-up doctor's appointments. I have a full schedule until Thanksgiving. I can tell you that this Thanksgiving I will be thankful, and that's an understatement.

John and I are going to see Joel Osteen at Madison Square Garden this Thursday. Should be great, but we are sitting in back of the stage (don't tell John-ha ha ha). Thanks Lindsey for your comment on my last post - I LOVE IT!!

Freckle Mix-up

2005-09-28T16:52:00.000-04:00

FYI - I posted in a previous blog about the radiation techs dotting a freckle and not the tattoo, well the doctor assured me I am fine and it had no effect on my radiation. I am now beginning to have skin rashes from the radiation. He prescribed 2 topical creams that should help with that. He called it "Radiation Dermatitus". One more affliction to dump on the pile. It just itches like crazy! I hope the creams work.

Chaos & Heartache & Hope

2005-09-28T13:55:00.000-04:00

This morning was a bit of chaos. I have to get Sophia on the bus at 8:00, Susannah on the bus at 8:50 and in between I usually try to get myself ready and make the drive to my daily shot of radiation. Today was hectic, as I'm sure you all have mornings like that. I didn't have time to get myself ready, spilled a 44 oz cup of water that was sitting on the bathroom floor (don't ask me why it was there), 4 minutes later spilled my own glass and broke it all over the bathroom sink while drying Susannah's hair. I was mad at John for something, and he was mad at me for something, and it was just funny so I just laughed. It was one of those mornings, but it just means that I'm alive and blessed by a busy family, and a wonderful husband who goes to his office each morning and works for his family. - Yes, I love my husband!!

I was up last night and could not sleep. One of those nights when you think of everything, and then try to do positive affirmations to get to sleep. It's hard to sleep when all you think about is this terrible disease. I don't necessarily think of my own cancer, sometimes I do, but also other people whom I meet each day at radiation. It just takes its toll. Yesterday a lady came out of her treatment just crying. I was gowned up and waiting in the ladies lounge waiting for my name to be called. She came into the locker area and then went into the changing room. I could hear her crying in the dressing room. I was very touched. I could feel what she was feeling with her. I was afraid they would call my name and I would miss her when she came out. I felt she needed someone to talk to. She did come out and I asked her if she was okay - No. Did she come with someone - yes, my husband. She said she needed to see the doctor today, that she was in so much pain in radiation and she has to do it twice a day four hours apart. She said she just cries thinking about doing radiation again. She is also going through chemo at the same time. She has in-operable lung cancer and give her a 20% chance of being alive in ten years.

Another lady who I always saw during chemo was at the radiation suite on Friday. I struck up a conversation with her, how are you?, are you doing radiation also?, when are you done with chemo?. What a friendly person she is, bright smile, always wears a bandana, always alone. She said she will always do chemo, that it must become a part of her life. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in January. She moved here from Texas to live with her sister so she could go to Sloan Kettering. We had a nice conversation. She told me that it is hard to keep her spirits up, sometimes she gets depressed. I can certainly understand. When I left I got to my car and got my Joel Osteen cd's on Keeping Your Joy and brought them in and gave them to her. I don't know if she's a Christian, but she knew Joel Osteen and said "He's from Texas just like me." She said she would listen to them, and even the insurance person from the office she was there to see said she enjoys him, too. (FYI - Joes Osteen is a preacher from TX I like to listen to in my car on the way to radiation. I feel blessed and ready to go after I hear his message.) I need to order that CD again now. I just hope she is as blessed with the message as I was. Get it for yourself on his website at JoelOsteen.com. You won't be disappointed.

Anyway, since I don't have my CD's anymore, I took the advice of Jacque, Janette's sister (also in TX) and rocked out on my way to radiation. I even bought a Van Halen CD on my way home. Sometimes you just have to rock out! It made me think of a simpler time in my life, when who you were going to Homecoming with was your biggest concern, and that felt really good.

Cancer is not fair, it doesn't care how old you are, how much money you have, how many kids you have, what kind of support network you have, how healthy you seem to be, it is ugly and destructive and so many lives are affected by it. This weekend I am going to walk for the Support Connection. The Support Connection is located here in New York. I called them when I was diagnosed, at the suggestion of Janette Yetter. They helped me by talking to other survivors who had gone through the same diagnosis and treatment and even same doctors. The Support Conncection offers counseling, support and activities to women and families affected by breast and ovarian cancers. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just know I want to support the people who supported me.

I mention Janette Yetter so much on this blog. I need to get a picture to post. Any one have a picture of her we can post? Maybe I'll take pictures at the walk this weekend so you can meet her. She's been such a big part of this journey with me, even though we don't see each other all the time. At church a few weeks ago I saw her and just started crying, I don't even know why. This week at church she gave me a pair of socks with the pink ribbon on them. Thanks, Janette. This weekend we're both skipping church since the walk is on Sunday morning. But I'm sure we won't be far from the Lord - just a different location. If you want to support us in our walk, you can send a check to the Support Connection, (check out their address in comments on the previous post), or go to their web site which I beleive is www.Supportconnection.org. If you wish, you may mail a check to me made out to The Support Connection, and I will make sure they get it. My address is Amy Sayegh, 35 Oak Pond Lane, Mahopac, NY 10541.

More on Radiation...

2005-09-19T23:46:00.000-04:00

Wow! I haven't posted a comment for a while! Rest assured I'm doing fine. I am so busy with this radiation and 3 children in 3 different schools. On top of that, I'm tired all the time. My radiation should end October 21st. So just one more month of this torture. My skin is holding up just fine. So far, so good.

I did have one "Uh Oh" moment last Thursday. When they line you up and position you on the table before they treat you they dot the tattoos they gave me to make sure they see them when aligning me up with the machine. I usually leave with five black marker dots on my skin. Before I leave, I usually try to remove the dots so I don't go walking around with dots on me. Last week when I was taking off the marker after my treatment, I noticed that they "dotted" a freckle instead of the tattoo. I brought it up to the tech immediately, and she assured me I am fine, and they lined me up properly from the other tattoos. I don't feel assured, and will ask the doctor on my next visit. Obviously, I can't do anything about it now, but I just want to know. I don't think they will be dotting any more freckles.

About radiation: it doesn't hurt, it's just like getting an x-ray. After a while your skin starts to react and brown and then burn (just like being in the sun). I get actual x-rays once a week, and visit the doctor once a week. I get the treatment every day Monday thru Friday. The longest part of the treatment is getting positioned to make sure they radiate the same spot each day, radiating as little of the heart, lungs, or ribs as possible. The actual treatment is about 4 minutes. Everyone is so nice, and I'm in and out pretty quick.

At this point in my treatment, I'm just getting tired of everything. I can't wait to get back to normal, if that's possible. My feet still bother me from the chemo (Taxol). My left foot hurts and feels like it's asleep a lot - something I guess I'll have to bring up to the oncologist. I wonder if you ever really get back to normal or if that's just in the past now. I guess maybe a new "normal". I'm spacing out my doctor's appointments now. Nothing is "life-threatening" (thank the Lord), so I can plan my appointments so I don't have an appointment every day.

FYI, I got an e-mail from the American Cancer Society and they said they are busy getting people affected by Katrina help and treatments elsewhere. That was one of the things I was concerned about, and I get an e-mail about it. If you donate to the American Cancer Society, you can see where the money goes. Check out their web-site at cancer.org, they should have more on their hurricane efforts if you are interested.

Also, I am participating in the Support Connection walk here in NY on October 2. They are the ones who I called when I was diagnosed and I spoke to a few really nice people in the same position as I. It was nice to talk to someone. They gave me lots of info and made me feel like I'm not alone. They offer lots of services to women diagnosed with breast and ovarian cancer. Let me know if you want to sponser or donate. I'm participating because they helped me.

Will Work For Gas Money!

2005-09-10T21:36:00.000-04:00

My previous post stated that my commute to radiation was 15 miles each way. Correction - 25 miles each way. I am currently taking any donations to fill up my gas tank (just kidding). Last time I filled up it cost me $89.00.

I was just e-mailing a family member, who is also going through cancer treatments. He was saying how he wondered what people did who didn't have friends or family around. I have to agree. You all have no idea how much you help me. I know I say it over and over, but it's true. I wrote back that you really find out how wonderful people can be, but I wish I didn't have to go through this and still thought most people were rotten (ha ha-again, just kidding).

I haven't felt any side effects from the radiation yet except being tired. But I think I was pretty tired before, so nothing new.

Rat Race

2005-09-06T22:26:00.000-04:00

I had my first round of radiation today. One down 32 to go! I figure I'll be done October 20th. Tomorrow will be the beginning of the rat race for me with Susannah and Sophia starting school on 2 different buses at two different times and then driving Alex to school. Alex doesn't start school until Thursday. I have Elizabeth Bauerlein babysitting in the AM for Alex so I can go get my treatment. Wednesdays will be longer since I see the doctor every Wednesday. The rat race begins - council meetings, back to school nights for two different schools, Susannah's birthday party, lia sophia (jewelry) meeting and shows, Sunday school, kids activities and sports - on top of driving 15 miles each way to radiation everyday! I'm already tired. I guess I'll have time to enjoy my Joel Osteen CD's in the car. One thing I won't forget is to "smell the roses" each day. Thank you, Lord, for all this activity! We just don't know what is in store for us each day. I just thank God that I can enjoy every day I have.

My hair is definately coming in now. My kids call me Fuzzy Wuzzy. We have fun saying that rhyme, "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he." I guess you had to be there. Say a prayer for those affected by Katrina!

Vacation Pics

2005-09-02T07:57:00.000-04:00

Are these girls right out of a postcard or what!

I can't believe I have the guts to publish this picture. I do have hair, you just can't see it because it's baby hair!

How Lucky We All Are

2005-09-01T22:08:00.000-04:00

I am back from vacationing in Virgin Gorda, British Virgin Islands, and getting back to normal life. Lots of laundry and doctor's appointments this week. We had a fantastic time and welcomed the opportunity to do nothing but relax at the pool and beach.

This week was a follow-up visit with the oncologist, a radiology visit, and a colonoscopy - everyone should do one. All is well. I feel great and ready to move on to the next phase of my healing process. Radiology begins next Tuesday for 33 treatments. My biggest problem is timing my visits between bus schedules and pre-school. I welcome these kind of challenges.

Doesn't it just kind of shrink your problems just seeing those poor people affected by the hurricane? I just can't help thinking about the women in New Orleans or Mississippi who is going through this same process now who also has to worry about her home, family, and when and if she can continue treatments and where she goes from here. I'm sure there are lots of people who are affected by this terrible hurricane who also have other trauma's to deal with in their lives. What about the woman who is just going through her diagnosis and now all her records have been washed away. Where do you go from here? How can we help, I don't know. I guess the best thing right now is to pray for these people and send money to the Red Cross or whatever charity can help. I think we all must help, however big or small.

From what I've seen in my little micro part of the world, you are all out there already, ready to help. I have seen so much out pouring of people wanting to help, and seeing me through my crisis, I just know that we will all pull together to help those affected by Katrina. Maybe you can't see what you can do, but I can. All of us pulling together, one by one, we all make a difference. With me, every phone call, every note, every silent prayer, every smile and how are you doing, every meal delivered to my door, every e-mail, and on and on, each little act of kindness helped me through this terrible time in my life. As a nation, if we all do whatever we can, we can help our fellow Americans through this terrible disaster. I have experienced it first hand! Thank you all!!!

Simulation Today

2005-08-19T17:08:00.000-04:00

I went to Sloan-Kettering today for my radiation simulation. They basically mapped out the radiation, and how they will do it and where. They made a mold of me so I lie in the same position each time. I layed on the table and they took X-rays to see where my ribs and lungs and heart are so they radiate as little as possible. I guess I passed. They said I have very little that will be radiated except what they wanted to. I got tatooed, also. I guess that is so they know exactly where to radiate each time. I got home today and I had marker all over me! It looked like they were playing tic-tac-toe on my chest. After I got all marked up, and molded, they sent me upstairs for a CT scan to pinpoint exactly where my internal organs are so they can steer any radiation away from the area.

It felt a little overwhelming sitting on the table. One more step in this journey. The final one!! After a while you just get so sick of hospital settings, the sterol environments, the routineness of the process to the doctors and nurses. It is such a life altering experience for me, but to them, I am one of many coming through the door. I felt embarassased that I wanted to cry just lying there with the technician buzzing around, another tech measuring me, the doctor popping in and out to draw on me. I held it together. One step at a time. I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me!!!

After the simulation I had to go to the mall to pick up a few things since we are going on vacation tomorrow. My friend Janette called me on my cell. She told me that her neice, Jessica's scan results came back with no evidence of cancer in her whole body!!! She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer the same time I was diagnosed stage 2. I was shaking and crying and so happy just standing there in front of "The Children's Place" at the JV Mall. God worked a miricle in Jessica. I am so very happy for her!! I knew with every fiber of me that God was going to use Jessica to show His glory - and HE HAS! You must check out her blog site! Jessicakaylor.blogspot.com!!! PRAISE GOD!! (Check out comments from me on her blog from last week when Jake talking about life being Boring). God is good, and he has only the best plans for our life.

I will write more when we get back on vacation. Remember when I first began this blog I was dreaming of "Some beach, somewhere...", well, we are going tomorrow. We are going away with our good friends Molly and Ari Straus, and their 3 children. We are so looking forward to it! We'll be at the British Virgin Islands, at Ari's parent's house. The house is appropriatly named "Beach Dreams".

2005-08-16T12:14:00.000-04:00

All is going well for me! I know now that I am done with all the heavy drugs I will get healthier and stronger. I am so blessed and so happy to be done with this. I am looking forward to finishing radiation. I go in this week to get the simulation, which is just setting me up and mapping out the radiation. They want to radiate as little of the heart/lungs/ribs as possible so they need to do a CT scan and map out the best positioning. I know when this part is over I never have to do this again. It only gets better from here!!

I do have to finish all the other testing now, but that's only testing and that will just show that I am as healthy as ever and only getting better. I can't wait to work out on a regular basis, not to be interupted by chemo. I am ready to live the rest of my life.

Small Miracle Today!!!

2005-08-10T19:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went in and my blood count was too low to do chemo. My doctor said my blood counts were not good and she would not let me get the chemo if it was scheduled for that day. I needed to get another blood test today before my chemo to see if I could even get my last dose dense treatment. I was so worried about not being able to get my last treatment, I forgot to take my pre-meds (steroids) before I went to bed. Two strikes against me!!

I asked everyone I saw and talked to yesterday to pray for good blood counts so I can get my chemo. I woke up today feeling really tired, and forgot to take my pre-meds last night, so I was sure they wouldn't let me. I got there and the nurse said, lets just do the blood work, and see. I got all ready for my treatment, she took the blood and came back and showed me the report. In order for me to get chemo my blood count needed to be over 1.5, mine was 1.6. She also said the doctor said I could do IV steroids and still do my treatment. I believe in prayer!! Thank you all for this small miracle. I was so excited to get my last treatment. NO MORE CHEMO!!!!

I really thank God for this. I was sure I knew his will for my last treatment. I was sure He wanted me to get my chemo next week because of these last obstacles. One more little miracle and gift of love. He is with me and monitoring me every step of the way. I feel really silly for having been so upset. Hand your daily troubles to HIM! He will take them and make you strong and relaxed so you can live for Him and Him alone - no worries! He talks to me through these little trials.

Now on the the next phase - radiation and follow-up testing.

Tomorrow is my last treatment... maybe, maybe not...

2005-08-09T15:43:00.000-04:00

I need a vacation! I have had so many doctor's appointments, and have so many planned, I can't keep up. Last week I had my CT scans and a brain MRI. Everything is clear! Yeah, I didn't expect anything else. They did note some other colon issues which I knew about, but evidently it got worse since the last scan. So now I have a small bowel series, and a colonoscopy scheduled with a GI specialist. The scan also noted a protrusion in my pulminary artery, so I need to see a pulminary specialist. I need to see my primary physician first so she can refer me to the other specialists. Can you understand any of this, because I'm totally confused and not sure which doctor to see next! This is all in addition to radiation and chemo.

I have my treatment scheduled for tomorrow morning. I should say it is scheduled, but it may not happen. Today, I had my doctor visit where they take blood and check you out to make sure you can get the chemo. Well, Dr. Mills said that my blood counts are not good, and if I were scheduled for today she would send me home until next week. I will go in tomorrow before my treatment and they will do another blood test. I will be praying for some miracle that my blood levels raise over night. I hope you will be praying, too. I was stunned! I thought I was feeling pretty good. I guess I am just getting used to being tired all the time. I have been working out, and John has been juicing for me everyday. I drink a veggie/fruit concoction that John comes up with that contains tomatoes, cabbage, melon, grapes, apples and whatever else he can get in there. My body is just tired of getting these drugs!

I am scheduled to start radiation the week of August 26th. I will also be taking Tamoxafin. I'm not thrilled about the drugs. I do not want to take any long-term drugs. She says I will be on it for 2 years, and then switch to something else. Not thrilled with that!

Okay, here goes, more bad news. Everytime someone asks me if anyone in my family had breast cancer, I say no, well I can't say that anymore. My aunt Diane, whom you all know if you read my blog and comments, was just diagnosed today with Non-Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (DCIS). Non-invasive means it hasn't spread and is contained in a duct. It is a non-life threatening type of cancer which is very good. It is, however a type of cancer that may (or may not) be a precurser to an invasive cancer, so they can treat it the same as invasive cancer. Be praying for Diane. It is still early in the prognosis, she still needs surgery, and then I guess treatment options can be discussed from there. I think she is still in shock and doesn't know how to react. ** Hang in there Diane! It's okay to be upset or scared and cry, but know that everything is going to be alright, and you have a lot of people supporting you!! All our prayers are going up for you!! **

I can't believe I'm coming to the end of my treatment as Diane is just starting.

Keeping my eyes where they should be...

2005-07-31T21:35:00.000-04:00

Busy week planned. Monday are the kids dental appointments, Tuesday is a birthday party, and Lindsey, my niece, comes in to spend two weeks with us, Wednesday CT scans and MRI, Thursday two different doctor appointments (for me), and Friday so far nothing. The days are filling up quickly. I also need to get my eyes checked and get my radiology simulation appointment, and get my colonoscopy. By the time I get done with all this medical treatment, there won't be one square inch of me that hasn't been poked, proded, looked at or medicated in some way. I am so sick of all these doctor's appointments.

I must admit that after my last treatment, I was back to feeling sorry for myself again. I'm feeling like "why me" again. I know it is just the chemo talkin' and can almost set my clock by it. But now I feel energized. I feel indestructable and purposeful and hopeful. This morning I got a kick in the spiritual behind. I realize I have been seeking healing from the world, from doctors. It's easy to do when you are just living from one appointment to another. I'm so sick of hearing about another cancer diagnosis and the hurt and destruction it can do to a family. We are all looking to the medical community to heal us, and I guess got sucked in as well. I need to keep my eyes fixed on God. Modern medicine is good, but God is infinate. I can't let my eyes waiver. I sat in church this morning and jotted a few things down - Apart from God, we can do nothing; I need the Word everyday - spiritual food. Even when we spend a short amount of time away from Him, the devil uses that time to sneak in. Letting in doubt, pity, weakness, hopelessness. I know healing comes from God. I won't let the doubt come in, my healing is in God's hands, I have no control. I ordered myself some Joel Osteen CD's to listen to in the car. He's a great preacher that I love to listen to. Keep your eyes on Him! That's what I need to remember. I let too much of the world in, I need to let more of the WORD in!

Getting Closer - 7 of 8 Behind Me!!

2005-07-27T19:52:00.000-04:00

I made it though another round of chemo. One more to go. Mom and Grandma came with me. All went well. My next round is in two weeks. I'm upset about my last appointment though. I usually see the doctor first then go upstairs to the chemo room for my treatment. They bumped my chemo to the next day, so I will see the doctor on Tuesday, then go home and come back the next day to get my treatment. I was so upset! I made this appointment over a month ago so I could get the time I wanted. Now they bump me. They just don't want to see me go I guess.

I am supposed to go in now and get another CT scan of chest and abdomin and get an MRI of my brain. I had a migrain last week with blurred vision, so my oncologist suggested the MRI. I'm sure it will all come out clean. The CT scans are just follow-up. I'm not worried, just a precaution, I guess. I'll keep you posted.

For those of you who haven't already, you have to go to Jessicakaylor.blogspot.com and check out her picture. She looks fantastic. For those of you who don't know her, she is my friend Janette Yetter's neice who was diagnosed with breast cancer about the same time as I. Check out her blog site and you will be as uplifted as I am. Reading her blog has been an inspiration to me since we are going though this at the same time.

Keep praying for a cure for cancer. The prayer list is getting longer. Another relative diagnosed with cancer in Minnesota. Put Rosemary Wirth on your prayer list. She was just diagnosed with metastatic melanoma. She has a 10-15% chance of survival. Pray she will be in the 10-15%!!

Weekend Update

2005-07-24T20:10:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday, I checked out the radiologists. What a busy day driving around from one appointment to the next. I think I will continue to go to Sloan-Kettering for radiation. It is a lot of driving everyday, but I am comfortable with the care there and the radiologists. I will have 34 treatments every day and I guess I will start after Labor Day. That will be my new part-time job for about 6 weeks.

I have my next treatment on Tuesday. My mom and grandmother will go with me again. After Tuesday only one more. Thank the Lord! Thank you all for praying for me and with me to get me through this far.

This weekend we went to Mystic, CT (ever heard of the movie "Mystic Pizza"?). It was beautiful. Sunday we stumbled upon an antique boat show on the Mystic River in downtown Mystic. It was so neat, it was a parade of beautiful boats/ships/sail boats/ocean vessels. It was very impressive. (Gene Yetter - you would have loved it! Plan to go next year in July!) It was a fun weekend, however we ended up in traffic getting there and going home. What should have been a 3 hour ride ended up being at least an hour or 2 more each direction.

Had a great weekend - hope you did too. Not looking forward to Tuesday but that means only one more left. Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France again! Awesome! After I'm done with this, I need to work on winning some Tour de-something. I will be pumped and ready to go!!

Family History

2005-07-19T19:14:00.000-04:00

Back to normal again. I feel great, except it is so hot and humid here in NY. It feels like south Florida. My mom and grandmother and I just hung out today. We were on the computer reading e-mails from Lars, a cousin in Sweden and Diane, my sweet aunt from Omaha. We also read another blog site of a relative who has cancer, too. It is amazing how many people have to go through this. Joannie, a cousin from Minnesota, has ovarian cancer, and Jim, her husband has prostate cancer. We spent a good part of the day reading their blog site and getting caught up on Joannie's fight. I almost couldn't read it. It is so close to home for me and I am so sorry that she and her husband have to go through this, too. We all need to pray for a cure for this horrible disease.

Lars' email got us looking at the Ellis Island website, and it was great talking to my grandmother about family history from Sweden and understanding where we came from and how we got here. Our family members came over here with $20 in thier pockets. My great grandmother came over with her sister Marie, and 3 small children through Ellis Island. Marie is Joannie's grandmother, so we have the same family history. We are cousins down the line. Life is precious. Live it everyday. Our journey is important, no matter how long or how short it is. God has a plan for each of our lives. Trust in Him. And continue to praise His name!!!

One more down, 2 to go!!!

2005-07-17T23:37:00.000-04:00

I haven't had a chance to sit down and post anything lately. I had a treatment on Tuesday, last week. My mom and grandmother came with me. My mother has been so worried I thought it would be good to go with her so she can see for herself what goes on. Not a place you ever think you want to take your mom. Sitting in the chemo room we just never imagined we would be sitting there together.

It went fine. I had my mom drive down there so she could get used to driving my Expedition and find her way back home. She ran into the wall of my driveway backing out of the garage. OPPS! No damage, just kind of funny. I slept most of the time getting the treatment while my mom and grandma went to the cafeteria for lunch and walked around. My mom said they checked up on me, but I was still sawing logs. It went smoothly and I got a nice nap. The treatment lasted from about 11:00am-4:00pm. We were home by 5:00 - I drove home.

On Wednesday, I felt so good I worked out in the morning! I even felt fine most of the day on Thursday. Thursday evening is when the leg pain started. It's so weird how that happens. I'm fine, then it hurts to walk. I took it easy most of this weekend. Saturday was our neighborhood block party. I spent most of the day sleeping then ended up at the party. I was hurting Saturday night. I need to take it easy. I did a lot of standing. That's the worst of it though! Not bad. This is so much better than the A/C part of my treatment. This Taxol is "cake" compared to that. I'm sure Monday morning will be even better. My next treatment is Tuesday, July 26th. It's coming fast.

Physically I'm doing fine. Emotionally, I'm making my way through. I am so happy to wake up everyday and take care of my family and just be with my children and husband and mom and grandmother. I can't wait to finish this treatment and radiation and not have to think about cancer every single day. What a load of garbage. Why is this a part of my life? I can't wait to put this behind me. I can't wait to have hair. I can't wait to feel healthy and strong again. It is coming! My dear Lord, help me endure and perservere, and win! I am strong and positive and healthy inside and out. This is only temporary. I know the Lord has sent me to be purified in the furnace and I will come out better than ever! Can I get an "AMEN"!!

Feeling Great!!

2005-07-08T13:50:00.000-04:00

Well, my mom and grandmother are here now. My sister and her family also stayed with us this week one night. My mom and grandma will stay for 3 weeks. Yeah!! Then my niece Lindsey will come and stay for about a week. I can't wait. Then I will be over with all this. I only have 3 more treatments. My mom will be here for 2 and Lindsey will be here for one, and then I'm done. Then radiation.

I stopped by the place where I will probably do radiation just to ask some questions. They said I will probably have 28 - 34 treatments. That's every day, Monday thru Friday. My oncologist said it's a law of Physics that they don't have to radiate over the weekend.

I'm feeling great these days. I feel almost back to normal. They weren't kiddin when they said this drug wasn't as bad. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been doing laundry, driving the kids all over, making dinner, cleaning the house, I feel great! I love "normal" life. I am so blessed. I say that over and over, but it is true. I pray that the worst is over.

I know that it is because of your prayers that I feel so good. Thanks a million!!

Happy 4th of July!!

2005-07-03T21:46:00.000-04:00

I am trying to figure out how to post pictures. I hope you like the pictures of my babies! They were taken exactly one month ago at Susannah and Sophia's dance recital. I was really out of it since it was 2 days after a treatment. I'm just glad I made it at all. For all of you in other states who haven't seen me - how do you like the new "doo"?

This last treatment was different. I am feeling alot of pain going down my legs and in my feet. Kind of like electric shock. I'm walking and my legs can sort of buckle up. This drug I am taking now involves a lot of nerve side effects - tingling in the hands and feet and bone pain. I am feeling better than the last drug, just different. I'm not sick to my stomach, though, which is nice. We'll see how this progresses. I'm hoping it gets better. Last time I was out for at least 5 days after a treatment. It's now been 4 days, and I am feeling better today, just the leg and lower back pain. I can take Tylenol for that. Yesterday I did not go out much at all and took a nap part of the day. I really needed that. Today we went out the entire day at Mona's house for a pool party/BBQ. I'm fine in a chair, although right now I'm a bit tired.

The 4th we have no plans. It will be nice to hang out with my family and do nothing. Hope everyone has a fantastic 4th of July. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!! I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!! GOD BLESS THE USA!!

2005-07-03T21:39:00.000-04:00

Alex is one handsome boy!

2005-07-03T21:38:00.000-04:00

Sophia, the superstar, with Amy and Alex!

2005-07-03T21:37:00.000-04:00

My beautiful Susannah at her dance recital.

5 Down, 3 To Go

2005-06-30T17:24:00.000-04:00

I did it!! I got my first Taxol round. I was there from 10:45 until 5:30. Anne Marie went with me and we had a nice time in the chemo room until I was knocked out with the Benedryl. We watched "Hitch" and I slept half way through. It's now 2 days after and I'm not feeling quite so sick. This isn't as bad as the previous 4 rounds. Everything is going fine.

Pastor - I read your posting and you reminded me to take my antibiotics! Thanks. I am so humbled by the fact that you pray for me at such historical Christian sites in Bethlehem, places where Christ himself walked. It is a reminder to me that Christ has healed me through His wounds, and I have nothing to fear. Have a safe trip!!

That fear has a way of sneaking in, though. Just talking to people around me in the chemo room makes me fearful. One lady about my age was there getting her chemo, we struck up a conversation and she's doing chemo for the second time. The first time was four years ago for breast cancer and now it's metasticized. I know there are so many more good stories and victories, and that's what I need to see.

I am also feeling guilty. I don't know why. I guess I feel like I'm coming up short for my husband and children. When you get married you vow to love each other in sickness and health, but I guess I thought I would be doing the caretaking. It's hard to be the one that needs to be cared for. Did I mention that one of the side-effects of these drugs is moodiness? Yeah, I guess I'm feeling a little of that now.

I am doing fine, though. Thanks again to all who keep me in their prayers. Only 3 more rounds and then radiation. I will be glad to put this behind me and look forward to running a marathon, or climbing a mountain, or just being a mom and wife again.

2005-06-28T19:02:00.000-04:00

Here is a card I loved that my friend Kristin sent me, I had to share it with you:
A Coping Poem
"Into each life some rain must fall," Some brilliant person said.
Too bad that person's not here now-- I'd hit him on the head!
It isn't very comforting to know that life is hard,
But I want to let you know I care --
That's why I bought you this card.

I love that. It came in the mail and made me smile just when I needed it. Everything makes me cry, too. I was reading one of the drug card fact sheets and a side effect is mood changes. The card came on one of my weepy days, so a smile was just what I needed. Thanks Kristin.

Last week I was overly tired. It was hard to get moving. I wasn't going to do anything on my birthday because John was working, but Elizbeth came over and said "We're taking you out, and we already have the babysitter covered." How could I resist. Elizabeth, Carol, Janette, Marta, Susan, Lynn, and Christine took me out to dinner. It was so nice to sit on the lake and hang out with the girls. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ladies!! Janette, you are next!!! (We missed you Kristin.) We definately need to do that more often.

John's birthday present for me was supposed to be a convertible for the summer, but the deal didn't happen, so he got me a portable DVD so I can watch movies during my treatments. That will really come in handy now that my treatments are going to be about 4 hours long now.

I have really been tired and I have another sore throat. I went in on Friday so they could get a throat culture and a blood sample. Turns out my red blood count is low (not the white) and I am going to get another shot for that so it doesn't fall below a certain level. The nurse said if it gets real low I would need a blood transfusion. I'll take the shot!! At least I now know why I've been so overly tired. It also turns out that I have another bacterial infection called H-flu. I am on more antibiotics. I must pick up every bug that floats by my face. My kids are all healthy and no one I know of has been sick. There's always something!!!

Tomorrow is my next treatment. It will be number 5 of 8. I start a new drug called Taxol. Taxol takes about 3 hours, but before I get an IV of Benedryl to help eliminate any allergic reations. Tonight and tomorrow morning I take a steriod. The doctor keeps saying that this is not as bad as the previous drugs. I hope so. I've spoken to other people and they say the worst part was numbness in the fingers and toes. Oh goody. Sounds great.

My sister-in-law, Anne Marie is going with me. We'll watch movies and have lunch and be home by 4:00. Anne Marie's 4 kids and my 3 will all be at my house with my mother-in-law for the day, so be praying for her!

Sue Citerella, a friend from St. John's Playgroup, sent around a letter, so now I have people from St. John's bringing dinner for me. We live in such a great community. Everyone pulls together to help. The dinner's really help, especially because I'm so tired. I'm wiped out by the end of the day. Even shopping wipes me out. I think dinner is covered for this week of my treatment. Thank you everyone!!! I'm lucky I get to see first hand how great people are.

I'll keep you posted on this next treatment. I'm not sure what to expect yet. I'll let you know!!

Good Morning!!

2005-06-20T07:42:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling well today, finally. I plan to just be outside today and play with the kids. There's nothing else I would want to do today. I'm going to take it easy and love my babies. Alex and Sophia are home today and Susannah has school. I can't believe she is still in school- that's enough already! I always remember as a kid in Nebraska being out of school way before my birthday. My birthday is Wednesday and Susannah isn't out until Friday! John has something planned for my birthday. Every once in a while I catch him giggling. He's so bad a surprises. He can hardly keep it in. I'll keep you posted...

Off to the ER - False Alarm

2005-06-17T09:54:00.000-04:00

I am now approaching the worst days of the chemo cycle. I am sick and tired and burnt out. I feel like all the joy has been yanked from underneth me. I know it will get better. I just read my previous blog and just reading those words outloud gives me strenth.

I so looked forward to the spring this year because we had such a long winter. I never thought it would mean the worst spring of my life. Maybe this will teach me to enjoy all the seasons of my life a little more.

I had my treatment on Tuesday and then on Wednesday I go in for a shot of Neulasta to boost up my white blood count. The nurse asked me "So how are you feeling?" I said fine, I just felt like I had some heart palpations earlier, but I went out for a walk and got fresh air and felt fine. - Big mistake. She felt she should mention it to the doctor and of course the doctor thought I should get checked out. So off I went to the emergency room for an EKG. I thought, that's not so bad I'll be in and out - wrong. They want to do every check they can think of, all the while I say I'm doing fine. I didn't get out of there until about 9:00pm and I got there at 5:00pm. Poor Brian Prazenka our friend and babysitter was stuck with the kids until John got home. Thank you Brian!!! I don't know what I'd do without you! I can't help worry about the kids while I'm being poked and prodded. It all turned out as expected, they could not find anything wrong except a high white blood count due to the Neulasta.

So now today, I'm just trying to get over this last round of chemo, and hoping the next won't be so bad. Thanks to all for praying. Your comments mean the world to me. Your strength gives me strength. - The door bell just rang - Food from Sue Prezanka delivered by the Stefuneks. Of course more tears for me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! I just can't help and look around me and see the great community we are all apart of. You guys are the greatest. From New York to Nebraska to Texas to Minnesota to Missouri and all the way to Sweden and Jordan, I know you are all there for me! It's amazing!!

2005-06-14T09:37:00.000-04:00

Prayer request: "Are any among you sick? They should call for the elders of the church and have them pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord. And their prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make them well" (James 5:14-15)

Well, today I go in for #4. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, although I am happy to be half way done. Today is also the last dose of these particular kind of drugs. The doctor keeps telling me that this is the worst part. I hope it does get easier. I'm still in shock and can't beleive I have to do this at all. I'm just sick to my stomach thinking about it. At this point in the treatment, I think it's harder on my spirit.

The following is the medicine I need to get through the day. You can help me, too, by praying these things for me:

"If you do these things, your salvation will come like the dawn. Yes, your healing will come quickly. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind" (Isaiah 58:8)

"'I will give you back your health and heal your wounds,' says the Lord" (Psalm 30:2)

"Praise the Lord I tell myself, and never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases" (Psalm 103:2-3)

"He personally carried away our sins in his own body on the cross so we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. You have been healed by his wounds" (1Peter 2:24)

I need to be reminded of these things each day. Sometimes I have a little pity party and think "Why me?" but I forget that I am already healed. I know the Lord has great things in store for me. I believe His promises for me. Every once in a while the self pity sneaks in.

Those are the words I will take with me to Sloan Kettering today. I have been healed by His wounds!

2005-06-06T11:01:00.000-04:00

I have a few minutes, so I'll blog at you! You should know the drill by now. I'm feeling great! My last treatment knocked me out and now I'm on the upswing. (It was last week). What a busy week! I made it through. Now I'm looking forward to just planting my flowers under a floppy hat with lots of sunscreen!

I think the hair thing is already getting old. It is hot and I feel so weird wearing it. I think the hair is only for airconditioning. We went on Sunday to get annuals at the nursery, and immediately after getting in the car I whipped off the hair and replaced it with a ball cap. Then we saw Mike and Mary in the car and I whipped off the ball cap and I threw on the wig (hopefully no one saw the exchange - now that would be funny). I can't seem to make up my mind. You just may see me walking around like GI Jane - Dash-It-All!!

Now, I am losing my sense of taste. Everything tastes strange and I'm a little nauseous. I know every mother can relate. It's alot like pregnancy, only this is just for four months, and not the weight gain, so I guess I should be thankful(?). I just can't figure out now why last years summer clothes fit so snug. I just can't win.

Life goes on...chemo or not!

2005-06-02T16:28:00.000-04:00

Well, I made it through another one on Tuesday. I'm just tired. My energy is zapped. I did find out that I did have a bacteria last time and that is why I got so sick. I had homopholous influenza, whatever that is. All I know is that I was sick and had a terrible sore throat. Now I'm taking antibiotics for it. I'm much better now. I guess I'm getting into the swing of this. I just make plans for when I'm feeling good, however that doesn't always work. Tuesday was Susannah and Sophia's dress rehersal for dance, Wednesday was Susannah's school play, tonight is their recital, this weekend is the Relay for Life and Sunday is the Sunday school breakfast (I taught Susannah's first grade Sunday school class this year along with my partner in crime Elizabeth Bauerlein).

This weekend is the Relay for Life that benefits the American Cancer Socitey. It is here in Mahopac at the high school and it is an all night relay to raise money. I will try to be there. I ordered several copies of the book that gives me inspiration, and I've mentioned it before, "Grace for Each Hour" by Mary J. Nelson. I think it's a great outreach for our church, and for me. The book gives inspiration and solid scripture to help you heal. I doesn't concern itself with the medical side, and that's refreshing. I don't know how I would make it through this without a church family helping me along, so now I want to reach out to others and offer a warm embrace and a welcome heart or just words of encouragement.

I am on my church council and selected to be on the outreach/evangelism committee. At first I didn't have a clear vision. I think my vision is coming piece by piece. I just need an actual committee. Maybe some of my fellow members of Grace can join me in this endeavor. E-mail me if interested (aymie@aol.com). More info coming soon in "Grace Notes".

Sunday is the Sunday school breakfast! See you there!

Memorial Day

2005-05-30T21:34:00.000-04:00

We had a great weekend! Lots of BBQ, time with the kids, John and I got to go away for a night without the kids, and now tomorrow I have another round of chemo. I am slowly getting over my cold, but still have a sore throat and cough. I was hoping to be over it before this treatment. We'll see how it goes.

This will be number 3 of 8 treatments. We're getting there! It's so hard fitting everything in before the next round. I feel like I have to get everything done before I can't do anything again. This time my "Well" time was cut short by this cold. This will be a busy week ahead. Tomorrow is my treatment and Susannah and Sophia's dress rehersal for their dance recital. Wednesday is Susannah's school play, and Thursday is the dance recital. Wednesday and Friday are doctor's appointments. Saturday and Sunday is the Relay for Life. I have a lot to do, and probably not much energy to do it. We'll see how I do. I hope tomorrow goes well. I can't wait to get another one out of the way!

2005-05-27T19:49:00.000-04:00

Amy and Aunt Julie

I Live in a Zoo

2005-05-27T11:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went to the Bronx Zoo with Susannah's first grade class. What a day! At first I wasn't sure if I should go because I've been fighting off a cold and sore throat. I'm supposed to call if my temperature gets up to 100.5 and it was about 99.7. I didn't want to disappoint Susannah and I felt fine, so I went. We had a great day at the zoo! We had so much fun and I'm so glad I went. It's always good to see all my friends and the other mothers. Great Day!!

When we got home I was exhausted to say the least. I made dinner for Susannah and Alex and Sophia came home via Uncle Mike from their Grandma's house. After dinner I sent the kids to their playroom so I could lie down for 30 minutes. I could not get up. I literally was unable to get off the couch. John was working late, so the kids were running FREE! They had a ball! All I could hear was laughing and screaming. My throat hurt so much I could barely talk, let alone yell at them. I sent them upstairs to get their PJ's on and asked Susannah to help Alex and Sophia. They did go upstairs, but filled up the bathtub and gave themselves a bath. Auntie Mary came to the rescue!!! Mary came over, went upstairs and got them dried off and ready for bed. They thought it was so special to have her tuck them in. (FYI- today I discovered Alex and Sophia also cut each other's hair!)

That was the first time I felt truely helpless. I felt as if I can't even take care of my kids. I can't thank Mary enough for everything. It's hard to accept that you can't do everything, especially when you are young and active. But the morning always comes. The sun will shine again. This is only temporary. Wow, the sun just came outside after a week of cloudy skies - how perfect!
Psalm 30:5 For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night, But Joy comes in the morning.

In Memory of My Dear Aunt Freda!!!

2005-05-25T03:09:00.000-04:00

Good morning! Well, "Good middle of the night!" It's one of those sleepless nights - a million thoughts zooming around and where else shall I vocalize them but to you all! I am getting back to normal again after my last treatment. It seems that I feel wiped out for a week after, and then I pick myself up again for the next week, just in time to get another treatment. Wednesday is one week after, so I'm doing great. I felt a little tired today, (yesterday?), but found time to rest.

This last treatment was true to it's reputation - hair is falling all over. I've been trying to get the kids ready for this because that's what they will really see every day, and I don't want them feeling scared or anything. They are fine with it. I've been trying to get my hair hats (wigs) lined up and ready to go. I brought one home today that I work out in that's just kind of fun. I wear it with a hat. When Alex (my baby, age 3) saw it his whole face lit up and he said, "It's back, your long hair!" He was so excited. He misses my long hair. I got it cut short last fall. He's happy now. The kids have been great. We all wear our hats around the house, and the girls look really cute in hats.

We went out for dinner tonight and sat in the middle round table of a small restraunt full of people (Gino's in Mahopac). I wore my new long hair with a hat. I was feeling a little apprehensive being my first outing with new hair. After dinner the kids were restless (kids can only sit so long) and Alex and Sophia were both on me. Sophia loves hair. Sophia was stroking my hair, and I'm afraid she'll yank it off, and Alex is saying, loudly, "Mommy, is that your wig?! Mommy is that your wig?! " He didn't understand "Be quiet", and wouldn't let up until he got an answer. I'm just trying to quiet him down, but he needed to know, and now I guess so did everyone else in the restraunt.

So don't be surprized if you see me walking around with a blonde wig hanging half on my head or over my eyes. It's just my children's enthusiasm and part of being a mom on chemo. I like to call it my "Aunt Freda hair" in honor of my great aunt Freda!!

The Peace that Passes Understanding

2005-05-24T13:17:00.000-04:00

Prayer request: Phil 4:6 Don't fret about anything but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your request to God. And God's peace, which trenscends all understanding will guard your heart and mind.

Everyone always asks me how I am doing and I usually say, "I'm doing great!" or"Just a little tired, but so far, so good!" As long as I can get a nap in, I'm doing just fine. A few people have commented about how strong I am, or how positive I am, or that something has to be wrong, or I'm just trying to put on a strong facade. If you think I'm strong, I can take none of the credit. My Lord has been carrying me the whole time! My aunt Julie (my age), from Minnesota sent me a book that I just love! It was written by someone from her church who also fought breast cancer. The book is called GRACE FOR EACH HOUR, by Mary J. Nelson. Here is an excerpt from her book that I wish I would have written myself - it is so perfect.

"As I opened my eyes in the recovery room, I could barely make out the face of the surgeon who had removed the cancerous lump from my breast. She tenderly reported the bad news. They found cancer in two lymph nodes under my arm. This unforeseen setback would add five months of chemotherapy to the six weeks of radiation treatments I had opted for instead of total removal of the breast.

This was not the news we wanted to hear, not the news we'd hoped and prayed for. But I went into surgery lifted by the prayers of an army of the faithful and righteous. Family and friends, prayer ministers from my church community, and people I'd never even met all covered me with prayer. They sent prayers in cards and letters. They e-mailed prayer. They called me and prayed with me over the phone. I was so lifted by prayer and filled with the Holy Spirit that with the bad news that day came and indescribable calmness... a peace far more wonderful than my human mind could understand (Philippians 4:6-7). Their prayers continued throughout my entire treatment. When my doctors, friends, and family commented on my "positive attitude," I knew it wasn't me. It was the peace and contentment of Christ showing through in answer to their prayers. It was Jesus who carried me safely through the valley in His arms and lifted me high above my physical circumstances. "

I can't do this alone. It is only with my husband, family and friends faithfully praying and lifting my name before God that I am making my way through this. Just keep in mind that I do get down, and I am tired, and I have been sick to my stomach, but life is so good! I have many blessings in my life! Maybe reality hasn't sunk in yet. Yes, it does, bit by bit, but that's where prayer helps. I need that peace that passes understanding more than ever in my life. And it has more meaning to me than ever before. I never understood that song from Bible school when I was a child "I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart!" Boy do I get it now!! It is peaceful and serenene and healing right when you need it!
Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

A Bad Hair Day

2005-05-17T10:00:00.000-04:00

PRAYER REQUEST: Pray that I will fly right through this treatment. No complications!

On Wedesnday I have my second treatment. I feel like I'm trying to get everything done before I hit the wall. Today is a day of errands and laundry. I feel a little apprehensive. This is the one where people say you usually lose your hair. It doesn't sound that bad until you actually are faced with it. I'm not sure how I will be.

Janette Yetter will go with me tomorrow. We'll have a little party in the chemo room, try to liven things up. There's nothing fun about chemo. Maybe we can find something so it's not so bad.

Yesterday I heard that eating a low fat diet has been proven to help reduce the likelyhood of a relapse of breast cancer. I guess what comes around, goes around. I always used to eat low-fat until I got married. Then something happened. Now I guess I'll get back to that.

I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow. I will try to put out an update when I get back. Thanks Diane and Grandma for the "Do Rag" - love it!!! Thanks Sue C. for the soup - Looks great!

Life As Normal

2005-05-15T19:03:00.000-04:00

What a great weekend. I've been telling everyone that I must be in denial because everytime someone asks me how I am I say, "Great!!!" So far so good. I can't believe I'm going through chemo. Life goes on as normal.

I worked out last week and it felt great! I'm hoping to continue my workouts throughout this summer. I think it helps with the stress and fatigue. After my workout, Alex and Sophia and I went up the the Cafe at the gym. Alex and Sophia took up with another 4 and 5 year old brother/sister combo eating lunch with their "Nana". It was like a little party. The kids were all talking and eating and the big sister said to her brother, "You can't do that! You're sick. " Then she told us that her brother has lukemia. He's 4 and just finished his chemo. That blew me away. He's a normal kid, running around, full of energy. His grandmother said he's been a trooper and his prognosis is very good. I have no complaints, I would take this anyday. God gives you what you can bear.

We finally got our new refrigerator. We have been living without the refrigerator for 2 weeks now. Thanks to Billy and Mona, we had their old one in the garage the whole time. It's nice not to have to go to the garage for milk. One good thing, if I collapsed in the garage after my workout I could at least make myself a sandwich!

Thursday was Alex's birthday party. He had it at Kids Castle here in Mahopac. They had a great time. After the party I went to the wig salon. We still need to work out the kinks and cut it. After my next treatment, I will probably have the big unveiling and everyone can see my "new hair". I think it's pretty comical. I kind of look at it as a hat of hair. Everyone knows it's not your own hair (except probably a few people off the street). I am going to have fun with it. How many of you get to pick out your own hair? That's what I thought! Should be a fun summer of hats, wigs and scarves. I may get funky with it - you'll just have to wait and see.

Today was the Multiple Sclerosis Walk in Carmel. We walked with the kids and had a real fun day. Lots of Sayegh's in attendance. I can't believe Mona is telling me what a great attitude I have. You are amazing yourself, my dear. I know you don't like the spotlight, but we were all there to show you our love and support!

Saturday night we went out to dinner with the Yetter's and Stefunek's. What a great time. It is so nice to feel normal and to have a good dinner with good friends.

I am basking in the "normalness" of everyday life. Each day is a beautiful gift from God. Friday I cleaned out the garage. I love a clean garage. Thank you God!

ALEX'S BIRTHDAY

2005-05-11T07:28:00.000-04:00

Today is my little Alex's 3rd Birthday. Poor baby has alergies so bad, he looks like Rocky Balboa. Birthday pictures should be cute! We are having a party tomorrow at Kids Castle. He wants a dinasour party! He has been talking about Kids Castle for months! He's very excitied! Hope to see you all there!!!

I'LL BE GLAD IN IT!!

2005-05-11T06:37:00.000-04:00

During the diagnosis stage, waiting for the next test was excruciating. All I could think of was, "I'm going to die, my kids won't have a mother, I wonder if John will get re-married." (Of course, that sounds silly now.) Then I realized that God has a plan for me and that He actually answered my prayers through my agony.

I'm sure most mother's at some point say something through clenched teeth like, "Lord, please let me appreciate my children." Or maybe you're like me and say, "Lord, please give me my sanity so I can appreciate them more." I also had the neglected housewife syndrome (however real or imaginary) and said, "Please let my husband appreciate me and what I do." Usually I just say that directly to John, it usually goes over pretty well, (ha, ha). It's amazing how your outlook can change when going through a trial like this. My kids suddenly were absolutley true joy, my husband was my knight in shining armor.

And I said to God, "Thank you for this trial in my life. If I didn't go through this scare, I wouldn't have this appreciation in my life. Okay, God, I get it. Now I've learned my lesson, now the results will come back and be negative and I can get on with my life having learned my lesson."

"Sorry, it's invasive lobular carcinoma".

"Okay, God, but it's not in the lymph nodes. I've learned my lesson. This trial has brought me closer to You, my husband, family, friends. I can have surgery, radiation and be a "survivor.

"Sorry, you have it in one of the lymph nodes. You should do chemo."

It just seemed that I was shot down every step of the way. Throw all that you know out the window. I have no control. So here I am. Waiting for my hair to fall out. And you know what? I'LL BE GLAD IN IT!!!! God is working fantastic feats in my life everyday and I am BLESSED!!!

I was watching Saturday morning TV with my kids this past Saturday on TBN (Trinity Broadcast Network). Alot of those morning cartoons are too violent or scarey for my taste so I try to put it on Christian TV for the kids whenever it is on (of course they want to watch Power Rangers and Rugrats). Between all the screaming and jumping and fighting I actually got to watch some of the show. (Obviously, they didn't. ) The lesson was "I'll be glad in it". These days, I feel everything is taylor made for me. I'LL BE GLAD IN IT!!

Happy Mother's Day, Everyone!

2005-05-09T14:46:00.000-04:00

Three years ago, I was in the hospital for Mother's Day. I had just had my little Alex on Saturday, and I was going home on Sunday, Mother's Day. What a special blessing. I had a special day this year just getting spoiled by my family. Susannah, Sophia, and Alex all had homemade projects they made from school and cute little cards. After church, John just let me lay on the couch all day and I watched the Food Network and talked on the phone to family members. Later we went to my mother-in-laws house for a BBQ. I am still tired, but I feel pretty good considering.

So far, so good. Keep up your prayers! Say a little prayer for my friend Jessica. She spent Mother's day in the hospital away from her 3 girls.

Only 7 More Left

2005-05-04T16:18:00.000-04:00

Today I completed one of the 8 chemo treatments. Yeah! Not so bad. I definately feel like I had a few glasses of wine, but so far so good. I'm a bit drugged up so I don't know if any of this makes sense.

John went with me while my mother-in-law stayed with the kids. John had to close his office today, so I felt bad. He said he didn't think twice about it and he wouldn't be anywhere else. He doesn't close his office for anything. He's a great husband. ...In sickness and in health all the way. We had a great day together. It's rare that we get much together time with no kids, we had a nice time. We laughed all day. We played cards, and read magazines. The nurse was fantastic. Her name was Sanaa, she did a great job and made me feel so comfortable.

I started the morning singing "Oh Crappy Day" ("Oh Happy Day"), with my admiting nurse and dancing down the hall with her. It was funny, I guess you just had to be there. No one wants to go through chemo, so it feels good to laugh. All you can do is smile and thank the Lord for all the little blessings in your life - especially laughter.

My friend Christine took the girls for a playdate, Carol & John Stefunek made dinner tonight (Thanks, Carol), and I guess I won't have to cook the rest of this week. I have many blessings in my life.

I'm going to sleep now, I'll check in so keep checking the web site for updates! I Love You ALL!

Big Day

2005-05-03T20:48:00.000-04:00

On Wednesday I begin chemo at Sloan Kettering at Phelps Memorial Hospital. What a decision. How do you know if you made the right one? Leave it in God's hands. I decided to go at this cancer with both barrels firing so I will begin dose dense chemo for 16 weeks. That means I will get chemo every 2 weeks instead of every 3. That also means more toxicity. I'm not sure what to expect right now.

The treatment should last for 2 hours. The chemo room doesn't have a TV or music or anything, so John said he would buy me a portable DVD player to pass the time. I'm not sure if that's for me or him since he will be going with me. I guess we'll finally have time to catch up on all those movies we missed when they came to the theaters.

Thanks to everyone again. There are so many good people in this world. I am convinced. Only the bad people get the press, but it is you good folks out there that make all the difference. Thanks a million times for all your support. I'm sure I will be saying that a lot. You all mean so much to me, I can't say it enough. I'll check in to let you know how it went!!

My children are excited because I said we could go on vacation when mommy's done taking her medicine. Some beach, some where...

Hi Everyone!!

2005-04-30T21:42:00.000-04:00

I have had so many people call, send cards, flowers and pray for me. And I know you are all concerned and wish to follow all the "latest" info. I am following the lead of another fellow blogger, Jessica Kaylor, who is also going on the same breast cancer journey I am. She and her husband set up a web site so people could follow her progress - what a great idea! Thanks for the idea. God Bless you Jessica! You are an inspiration!!

IN A NUTSHELL
About a month ago I found a small lump, and went to the OBGYN first thing that Monday morning (3/7/05). After several MRI's, ultrasounds, biosies, CT scans, bone scans, doctor visits I found out I had an invasive lobular carcinoma. I had lumpectomy surgery April 6th to remove it and 9 lymphnodes. The tumor was less than 1 cm, and only one node had 3 microscopic clusters of cells. Now, I am shopping oncologist's and determining the rest of treatment which will probably include chemo and most definately radiation and tamoxiphin. I have tentatively set up treatment at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center at Phelps Hospital. We'll see, so far I've spoken to 3 different doctors with 3 different courses of treatment. It's very frustrating.

I AM BLESSED
There are no words that can describe how it felt when the radiologist called and told me the diagnosis. I was at home with Alex (2yrs) taking a nap, and Sophia (4yrs) playing in her toy room, John was working. I had to write it down so I could remember what she told me because I think I stepped out of my body at that moment. A few moments later I had to stand on the corner and wait for Susannah (6yrs) to get off the bus. I had to try not to cry because I didn't want Susannah to know anything was wrong.

It was that day that I first told my family, and then sent an e-mail to Pastor Kennedy. My request was to please just pray. The outpouring has been incredible. You have all been a lifesaver to me. I beleive in the power of prayer, I have sunk myself into the Bible to make it through each day. I don't know how you would get through the dark days without the Light. Jesus is my light! The verses you have sent me, the prayers, books, the flowers, the help. The food. When my mom came to visit during my surgery she nor I had to cook. My church family made dinner every night. My aunt and grandmother mailed dinner (w/recipes enclosed)! My mother-in-law cooked. I can't tell you what that means to me. My poor mother did laundry almost every day she was here!! I am not the type to ask for help, nor will I admit when I need it. You all just did it. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!!

WALKING HAND IN HAND WITH JESUS
My life before it was touched by cancer was pretty great. I have a 4 foot wooden sign in my kitchen that says "Just Another Day In Paradise". I thanked God everyday for His blessings. I never thought I would be thanking Him even more even though I have cancer. I don't take anything for granted. When I found out I had breast cancer, I just fell to my knees and prayed, and I haven't stopped. He is faithful to me. I can see Him more clearly everyday in my life. He whispers in my ear, "It's going to be alright". He holds my hand at doctor's appointments and shows up unexpectly when I'm ready to break down. I can do this!! I can do this!! Thank you, God, Thank you.

WHAT'S NEXT
Now I just need to decide on a treatment and buy lots of hats. I plan to blast this cancer into oblivion, hopefully without any longterm side effects. I pray every day that the surgery got it all, and there are no more cells in my body. I believe that to be true. I do have a prescription for a cranial prosthesis. I plan to shop for one. I like what Jessica Kaylor said on her blog page that God has all the hairs on her cranial prosthesis numbered. I'm laughing through my tears. When I told my children I need to go to the hospital and get medicine so my boo boo doesn't come back, and the medicine will make my hair fall out, my oldest (6yrs old), Susannah, said she would go with me and that we need to go when I still have hair so they can make it look just the same. She's fantastic.

I started working out again. I hope to keep it up as much as possible during chemo. I just don't know what to expect. I have spent my whole life staying away from drugs, even over the counter, now I am going to take toxic combinations hoping not to do any long term damage and I'm saying, "Bring it on!" Pastors message on Easter Sunday was about life turning on a dime, Oh, how true!! The Lord works in mysterious ways! One thing I do know for sure - I have no control. I give it all up to you, Lord! I could not be in better hands! I am confident in whatever the future brings to me.