Hello Everyone! Well, It is appoaching the one year mark since I was diagnosed. I am pretty emotional about it. I'm not sure if that's because of the Prednisone, or just normal. Last year at this time, John and I planned a night at the Waldorf in New York City. The morning of the day we left, I found "the lump" that would change my life. The whole weekend we were supposed to be having fun, I was scared, crying, not sure, hoping it was nothing. Then on Monday, the doctor's appointments started and haven't let up since. (I had two appointments last week!)
Last week I attended a support group meeting at the Support Connection for young survivors. We all have young children and are in varying stages of recovery. It was nice to talk to others in the same situation. I also found out that another mother at the playgroup where Alex goes to school was diagnosed December '04. She's to her one year mark now, only she is stage 4. She has spots on her liver. She also has a 4 year old and a 6 year old. You can add her to your prayers! She has not done any chemo since she is stage 4. I think now for her quality of life is important as well as stopping the spread. Makes my problems now sound so trivial.
I'm having a break-down because of my hair. Or maybe in spite of my hair. Or maybe I'm just breaking down. Everything is catching up with me. Last week I went in to the hair dresser to get a lift. I am feeling blah, and wanted to get some color to make me brighter and sunnier (and hide grey). Anyway, I ended up looking like a man. Now I'm experiencing the trauma of my hair falling out all over again. My hair, which has been blonde my whole life, is now brown and dull. He also asked if he could just "clean it up a little". I said "okay". He trimmed my hair, which was only about an inch long to begin with. I now have shorter, dull brown hair with sideburns. I am traumatized now. Alex looked at me and said, "Mommy, you look like a boy." Can't argue with a 3 year old. Sophia said, "Mommy, what did you do to your hair?" I just wanted to cry.
You just get to a point where you want to feel like yourself. I look in the mirror after gaining so much weight after taking the steriods, and not having any hair and now "man hair", and I wonder where Amy went. I have no time to myself, to do anything I once did. Kids and housework and activities and everything and everyone else comes first. Where did Amy go? When I find out, I'll keep you posted.
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4 comments:
YEAH!! Welcome back!!
I know where the Amy is that I have grown to adore, right on Oak Pond. You would be the first one to say that the image in the mirror isn't the reflection of a person, it is deep inside that is the true image, keep that in mind. I would kill to have that 'overweight' body you talk about. Sounds like you need a good venting session, can't wait for our night out! Think of something fun. Happy Valentines day Amy!!
All my love,
Janette
Amy,
It was so good to get your report. I feel like we are sometimes living the same life! March 10th is a year for me in learning of my diagnosis. It's a wierd feeling becuase half of my is elated that I am still alive and half of me wonders how a whole year could have gone by. I often feel like I have missed a year in my life since this cancer takes so much of our time and thoughts, prayers and emotions.
I too, had to go to the hairdresser just last week. My hair has come in frizzy curly and it was at the point that I hated to look in the mirror. I asked for a guy who knew how to cut curly hair and he looked at me and said, "I bet you want to get rid of grandma hair!" I love my grandma's hair on her, but on my 30 year old body, it was not a pretty picture! He made my hair look...okay. It was better than before, but he could do nothing about the fact that mine is also one inch long! I don't know if you hair is curly too, but I would definitely recommend a person that knows how to cut curly hair for your next visit. I wonder if they could get extentions on an inch of hair!
It is good that you found a support group. I was wondering how that was like after treatment, so let me know more about what you think. It sounds like it is a good place to talk. I sometimes just want to laugh... I hope you do lots of that with Janette on your night out.
Sending you a huge smile and hug from Texas.
Amy-Girl
You know where YOU are! YOU, the kind and caring wife and mother never left! You, the good friend NEVER LEFT! I can assure you that anyone who knows you and the way you carry yourself, thinks you are just as beautiful today as you were a year ago because the "real AMY" hasn't changed.
Be kind to yourself...you deserve it.
Love you lots!
Carol
Thanks, so much for your care and concern. You are all such good friends. Amy
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