Lion's and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!!

That's all I could think of - Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! from The Wizard of Oz yesterday when I saw my oncologist at Sloan Kettering. I told her about some minor pain I've been having around the surgery/radiation site, so she prescribed an MRI, chest x-ray, and bone scan, Oh My! I guess that's all they can do. They have no idea what's causing discomfort, so they use the tools available to them. It's just a pain for me to schedule and go to. It takes a day to get all that done. Then there's the mind games attached to getting the tests and waiting for the reports. I'm sure it is nothing, and the doctor said "I'm sure it's nothing," but my mind tends to wander. They are being cautious, and I guess so am I.

I guess I'm getting geared up for Easter. Last year at Easter, I was just diagnosed, and I think that pain is coming back. I remember on Easter feeling so calm and so confident in the midst of the storm. That's Jesus. I need to keep my eyes on Him. I am strong and confident in Him. There, I feel better already. Thanks for listening to me ramble. I guess this is my therapy.

Long after the treatments are finished, you still feel betrayed by your body, and wonder if you will ever feel safe again. I'm still waiting to get to that point, so until I get there, Thanks for Listening!!

Die Fred, Die!!!

Well, I went to chemo again yesterday. ... With my friend Elizabeth. Those of you who don't know, Elizabeth was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma within the past month. She started chemo on Tuesday, and I along with her mother, accompanied her on her first day. She has 6 total treatments. The goal is to kill Fred (she named her tumor). You must check you her blog at EJBauerlein.blogspot.com. I got to hear cute stories about Elizabeth, and all the grey hairs she gave her mom. About the time she lacerated her liver at a church picnic, when she got lost in the woods when she was about 2 or 3 and they found her walking down the middle of the street, when she had a tea party on the top of a camper, etc. I couldn't help but think about my own children.

We camped out for the day. Her treatment lasted for about 5 hours. Turns out, Elizabeth is doing 2 of the same chemo drugs I did. I finished chemo last August, but it is amazing what you forget, or maybe you just block it out. Unfortunately, Elizabeth now becomes a member of the chemo sisterhood. I hope I can help her in some way. I would love to make it easier for her, but unfortunately, it's something you have to go through yourself.

Elizabeth is not mushy, but I am. I will publish the mushy parts on my blog. For all you mother's out there, say a special prayer for those with sick children. Even if those children are 27, 30, or 41. This one's for you Judy, Mil, Mom... It is hard for a mother to see her child have to go through something like this. That was the only time yesterday during the treatment when tears were shed. Elizabeth's mom, Mil, had to watch as her daughter was hooked up to chemo drugs to kill "Fred" hiding in her neck. Mil said she would go through this instead of her in a heartbeat. I understand that totally. I have said all along that I would rather go through this than any of my kids. It must be painful to watch your child struggle with an illness like cancer. Hats off to you mom, you are my strength; hats off to you, Mil, you will get through this, too. Just think, next year at this time Fred will be long gone, and Elizabeth with have yet another cute hairstyle.

Grace Touches My Life

The following is the "temple talk" I gave at my church, Grace Lutheran, here in NY. I thought it was appropriate to reprint in my blog since it applies to all of you as well as you were apart of my journey and healing through breast cancer. My task was to discuss what my church means to me and how it touches my life. I am not one for public speaking, and it scares me, but once I started, it was hard to turn it off. I have had such a great support throughout this whole "adventure", and I had the opportunity to thank the entire congregation publicly. Thank you to all of you, and thank you for your prayers, thoughts, and support.

John and I were asked today to speak about how Grace has touched our lives. If you heard Kathy Sherer last week, you will hear some similarities in our stories about how we came to Grace. I grew up in a Lutheran church in Omaha. I was raised in Sunday school, youth group, all my best friends were friends from church. I went on ski trips, canoe trips, retreats. I had a great experience growing up, and I’ve always dreamt to pass that on to my children.

John grew up Catholic, but since I agreed to move to New York, and leave my family in Nebraska, John agreed to attend the Lutheran church. After going to another Lutheran church in the area, and meeting with the pastor there, we both felt something was missing. I can’t remember one person who spoke to us, or one face. We probably attended every protestant church in the area until we found Grace. Unlike other churches, I remember the faces and the people who said Hello. One of the first people I remember going out of her way to say hello was Maria Hughes. That was just the beginning of a wonder friendship, and a series of friendships to come. That is how Grace touches my life.

Pastor’s first visit to our humble condo I remember telling him that John and I just found out I was preganant with our first baby, Susannah. I think that was probably in Januray 1998. Soon after John and I joined the church officially, and that was just the beginning. John and I attended regularly and soon I met another pregnant women even larger than me, Nancy Wood, (which was unusual since Susannah was 11lb 3oz.) , of course she was pregnant with twins. Soon we developed friendships that would last and become more meaningful as the years went by, the Yetters, Woods, Stefuneks, Bauerleins, Hughes, Brabans, and on and on. That is how Grace Touches my life.

I remember just getting invited to a girls night out, and not really knowing anyone. This was going to be the first time to go out with the ladies. Sue Dunn called me a few days before to cancel saying the Rudolf’s house had burned down. The church rallied and helped to raise money to get them back on their feet. That was my first time I saw the church in action, to make a difference, to help a part of our church family through a terrible ordeal, through prayer, donations, and genuine concern. That is how Grace touches my life.

When John and I joined the church we sat on the right side of the church about four rows back every Sunday. Behind us sat Marion Rudolph and her daughter Sue, every Sunday. Susannah and Mrs. Rudolph developed a relationship, flirting over the pews, and Mrs. Rudolph would bring Susannah something for Christmas and Easter. Soon she continued the tradition when Sophia was born. When Mrs. Rudoph died, Sue told me that when her mother was dying in the hospital she would tell her to think of holding the girls hands, and think of their tiny fingers holding hers and that was a sweet thought in her final days. That is how Grace touchs my life.

Soon after, Sue took up the tradition and would buy all three of my children something for Christmas and Easter. She was a special lady. When Sue herself was dying of cancer at Northern Westchester, John and I would take the kids to visit. She always looked forward to seeing them. The last time I saw Sue, I was taking her communion as part of the Eucharistic ministry. She died not more that a week later. That is how Grace touches my life.

I remember Susannah’s first Christmas pageant. She was a sheep as were all the pre-schoolers in the play. She stood next to Mark Yetter, who was a cow, and they were singing and swaying to the music. Soon the swaying became bumping into one another. The bumping into one another became, hitting, and then a leg and then Richard Hoover, their shepherd had to break up the brawl between the sweet little lamb and the adorable little cow. That became part of one of Pastor’s sermons, and after reminiscing about that all these years later, people still remember the pageant when the lamb and the cow went at it during the pageant. That is how Grace touchs my life.

Everyone in this church is a part of our extended family. Our first baby-sitter was Erica Bauerlein, and then Elizabeth Bauerlein. My kids loved them and we felt comfortable leaving our children to them. When I found out I was pregnant with Alex, I remember asking Elizabeth how much she would charge for babysitting three children. Her reaction I will remember forever. She was so happy for us, and I was so touched. The Bauerleins became an extension of our own family and Janette Yetter and I kid them that we want to be an adopted sister since both our families are in other states. I think we did become honorary sisters after all. The first Easter egg hunt Susannah attended at the Bauerleins was when Sophia was born. My cousin visiting from Sweden took her while I recouperated from giving birth just days before. Last year, I was recovering from surgery, and Bill Prazenka came to my house to find out why my kids weren’t there and he and Brian and Evan DeMarzo proceded to take them to the Easter Egg hunt. I was looking at the video recently and trying to figure out who’s voice that was taking the video, and when this was that Katrina was taking the kids Easter egg hunting. I realized quickly that it was of course Bill’s voice, and he was following my kids around with Katrina taking video so I could see them. This is how Grace touches my life.

It was exactly one year ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. What a year. Some of the darkest days I’ve ever known, and some of the brightest. I remember e-mailing Pastor as soon as I found out. Soon there after, the emails, letters, prayers, meals, began. I could not have imagined the outpouring I received, and I can never say thank you enough. Words can’t say thank you enough. I remember Pastor’s sermon on Easter morning last year about how life can stop on a dime. We sat in the front of the church, and I could hear the sniffles all around me and I felt like Pastor was speaking directly to me. This is how Grace touches my life.

Last year not long after, I attended the Relay for Life, and outreach for Grace at Mahopac High school. It was difficult since I just had a treatment two days before, and I just lost my hair and was a little embarrassed to be wearing a wig. I didn’t know if I would have the strength to walk around the track for the survivor’s lap, emotionally. I did the lap with Elenor Vogel on one side and Carol Hoover on the other and everyone else cheering from the bleechers. I had the strength. It seems that every year one more person from our church walks that survivors lap, and we are all there to support one another. That is how Grace touches my life.

You brought me meals so my family could eat. You took me to chemo treatments. You took my children under your wing. You prayed for me and my family. You baby –sat my children so I could sleep. You took time out of your busy lives to send a card to let me know you are thinking about me and my family and praying. You sent flowers. People tell me they admire how strong I am. That I made it through the most difficult time in my life because of some inner strength. They are wrong. I made it through because of the strength I got from The Lord, that continuing relationship that began all those years ago in Sunday School and Youth Group as a child, and the strength I got from you, Pastor and my family. You prayed when I couldn’t, you cooked when I couldn’t, you drove me when I couldn’t, you took care of my children when I couldn’t. I could not have done it without all of you. That is how Grace touches my life.

Now I am so thankful for you, my church family, more than you know. I just hope I can give back as much as you have given me. And I pray that my children will grow up with the happy memories as I have had. For them, their life-long walk with Christ begins today, in this church. This church practices what Jesus first taught us, love your neighbor as yourself. Treat others as you want to be treated. We are not perfect, but I do know that if you are looking for Jesus, you will find him at Grace. That is how Grace touches my life.