What's New!?

I have been out of the blogesphere for a while now. Anyone still out there? I have been busy, sick, sometimes depressed, sometimes happy - the usual. I've been so tired I feel like I can't get out of bed in the morning. I thought I was just sick. I went to visit my oncologist last week, and they always take blood. Turns out I have hypo thyroid which explains a lot. I'm also enemic. So I guess I have an excuse for being sick and tired all the time, I'm actually sick and tired. I went to visit another doctor, an internist, and they took more blood. Yes, I have a low thyroid. More drugs. Some of the symtoms of low thyroid of which I have all of - tired, vision changes, confusion, panic attacks, mood swings, joint pain, unable to form sentances or have complete thoughts.

I can't even collect my thoughts enough to write an intelligent sentenance. I appologize in advance. We decided on a name for our non-profit. It's called "Community Cares". The purpose is to help those affected by a major medical crisis in their lives, and still have families to take care of while they are getting better. Don't you know people like that and don't know what to do to help? That's where we come in. A neighbor or friend or family member will nominate someone in need. We will then access the needs of the family affected, and offer cooked meals, cleaning services as well as laundry services. When you are going through chemo, or major surgery, or have a debilitating illness, the last thing you want to think about is folding towels. Everyone wants to help, but don't know how. Depending on the situation of the person, their needs will be evaluated every 3 to 6 months, with the understanding that this is only temporary to help them rest and get better. My brother-in-law, Bill Sayegh is helping me get this thing started. What a great help!

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas! My husband got me a banjo for Christmas. What did you get? I told him once I've always wanted to learn how to play, and he goes out and get's me one. I love it! Let me know what you got this year. Also, if you have any good news, post it. I really need some good news.

It's hard to know what to say anymore. I'm now in the follow-up stages of this aweful disease. Mamo's, MRI's set for Nov. Had bonescan in Oct. Had CT scan just before that. I am so thankful that I made it through, and I am doing well. Now I want to help those continuing to fight. I may have mentioned this before, (chemo-brain, bear with me), I want to start a non-profit to help mom's in our community who are going through cancer treatments either by organizing meals, cleaning bathrooms, babysitting, etc. I have a friend who is also interested and the two of us will be brainstorming to get it off the ground.

I understand that there are all kinds of fundraisers out there to cure cancer, but I want to help the women here today who are in the trenches of this disease, managing everyday life. That's where friends and family come in, but take it from me, it is hard for someone going through this to ask for help, and sometimes, there is no one to ask, and people don't know what to do or when to step in. I am hoping to start an organization to facilitate help for women going through this. Women in particular since they are usually the primary caregivers to their families, take care of the children, household, dinners, driving, working, etc. The spouse must continue working to help pay hospital costs, to keep medical insurance, and must manage extra duties that his wife cannot during treatments. It adds to the stress of the situation. If I had an organization that could do their laundry once a week, provide a meal or two a week and clean their bathrooms during their treatments, find a babysitter to get the kids off the bus, just to be a blessing in the middle of the storm. You come to realize how much the little things mean when you go through this. You can't take time off from being a mom, even when you are going through cancer treatments.

Anyone have any ideas what to call this new non-profit? Mother's Helper? Mom's Blessings? Get creative and let me know what you think. I'm sure when we get this off the ground we will be doing a fundraiser. That's way in the future for now. I'll hit you up, I mean, I'll let you know when we will need your help! Meanwhile, thanks for all your help. You all inspired me to do this since you helped me through my sickness and back into health. Now I want to give back to the communtiy.

All is well with the bone scan. They just noted arthritis in the joints, so that accounts for the joint pain. I have a big laundry list of routine appointments coming up. Just follow-up as usual. My two daughters and I did the Support Connection Walk last Sunday in the pouring rain. It was very moving and uplifting. I am happy to be there again, however, I didn't see Glen Close. She is the celebrity spokesperson, and I saw her last year. The rain must have deterred her. We all had our reasons for being there, and I wasn't going to let soggy shoes get in the way. Last year I walked with peach fuzz on my head. This year I couldn't help notice other ladies doing the same. Every year there will be more. I found out others I know indirectly who were diagnosed recently.

If you don't hear from me I'm either at a PTO meeting, council meeting, Girl Scout Meeting, teaching Sunday School, planning a women's group meeting, planning a Sunday morning brunch for church, going to a long list of doctor's appointments, doing laundry, dishes, homework, driving kids around, blah, blah, blah! I can't fit one more thing into my day. Help...

Oncologist Visit

It's been a while since my last post. Busy with school and scheduling, church and activities. Now the doctor's appointments are starting again. I had a visit with my oncologist Tuesday. The usual visit, exam, draw blood. At the end of our visit I half-heartedly asked if the Tamoxifen I am taking causes joint aches because I feel like a 90 year old women. She got a "look" on her face and asked to nurse to take more blood. Then she wrote a prescription for a bone scan. She mentioned it could be bone disease or arthritis or possibly my chron's disease. So off I go for another bone scan. If you have never done one (and why would you), I start off with an injection of radioactive materials, then wait for 3 hours for my body to light up like a Christmas tree. Then I lie on a metal table for 3 hours while the machine scans all my bones. I just have to lay still for 3 hours on a table. Can't wait. I think oncologist's just look for ways to torture their patients.

While in the waiting room I came across "Survivor Magazine" with Lance Armstrong on the cover. It talked about being tired all the time, that it is a long-term effect of chemo. I was wondering when I was going to get my energy back. You are kind of embarassed when you are so tired and blame it on chemo. I finished my chemo a year ago. I should be done with all the side-effects by now. Well, I don't feel so foolish now. Another relevation, the treatment of cancer is not done when the chemo and radiation is over. I think then you need to work on your spirit - something I need to address in the coming months.

I am up for my yearly mamo/MRI also. I will get the combo every year since the mamo didn't pick-up the tumor the first time. As you may recall, I found the tumor myself four months after a mamogram. REMINDER: Do your monthly self breast exams!! If I hadn't found it myself, I may not have noticed until my next mamogram in another 9 months. Who knows what may have happened.

This October 1st is the annual Support Connection Walk at FDR Park. The Support Connection helps women who have been diagnosed with breast or ovarian cancer. It's a fantastic event. I encourage everyone to attend or at least donate. The money goes right into programs that directly benefit our community and women, mothers, sisters, grandmothers, aunts and friends. I am one person who was helped by the Support Connection. Go to their web site and check it out. I have included a link on the right side of this blog. Attend the walk, you won't be sorry.

What I did on Summer Vacation

Having a great time in Omaha. We have done so much. Last week I saw Brad Paisley in concert-FANTASTIC! Went to the county fair and saw a tractor pull, went to Kansas City and went to a water park and Worlds of Fun, took my mom to Las Vegas, went to an Indian Pow Wow last weekend with my sister and her kids, went to a museum, the zoo, spent time swimming at my brother's house, just hanging out with my mom and sister and brothers and grandma, saw my aunt Julie and her kids. And of course, shopping. I love shopping when I come here, because there is always a new shopping mall. Omaha is getting big! I'm having a ball. There's so much more I want to do, but there is never enough time. I'll be leaving on Tuesday back to New York, God willing! I'll post some pics if I can figure out how to do it again!

Today is my mom's B-Day so we just took her out to lunch, she doesn't want anyone to know - too late! My Grandmother's B-day is Saturday and we will have a party for her at my brother, Mark's house. We have some family coming from Minnesota, so it will be a celebration. One week and I'll be back to normal, missing everyone again. It will be nice to sleep in my own bed.

Anyone out there? I'm here in Omaha for a few weeks. It has been quite hot. Enjoying my children, mom, and family. John just left today. He was here for a week. I will be back August 22. I'll be expecting a coming home party - ha ha hee! Nothing new to report on the health front - Thank the good Lord! I just pray that everything continues to be uneventful.

I continue to pray for others who are living with cancer, there are so many. Keep them and their family's in your prayers as well. See you in August!

Well, I visited with my surgeon yesterday. She examined me and said that the inflamation was from radiation. That's what the scan said, and my doctor said it's not unusual for inflamation to show up a few months after radiation. She said it may or may not get better, but there is nothing to worry about. I'm very happy about that.

Happy Father's day to everyone! Keep Janette Yetter in your prayers. She ended up having surgery today to remove a growth on an overy. It is thankfully benign. She said she will be in the hospital until Sunday.

I'm going to keep this short and sweet, I'm in a lot of pain. I wish I knew a good chiropractor... I have terrible neck pain. John is taking good care of me. I just need to rest and keep getting adjusted.

I got a call tonight, Friday at 6:00, from my oncologist. Not the time you want to hear from an oncologist. Anything they say to you always requires worry and follow-up. She said she was concerned about the inflamation showing up 7 months after radiation - my concerns also. I didn't have any inflamation on the CT scan 2 months after radiation, why would it show up 7 months after radiation. She said I need to see my surgeon.

Tomorrow is the Relay for Life to benefit the American Cancer Society. Should be another moving ceremony. It is always overwhelming to see all those names on all those luminaries. My friend, Cathy is cutting the opening ribbon for the walk. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about 4 months before me. We are all sisters in this battle. Wish me luck! I'll be walking for all the survivors who helped me in my treatment and recovery. Thanks Jessica, Kristi, Patti, Andrea, Carol, Diane, Cathy, and everyone who shared their story with me and gave me hope and healing. We really help each other. Thanks!!

Scan Results

I got my scan results yesterday. Everything is fine. Nothing new except inflamation in the radiation area. I KNEW IT! You may remember a few weeks ago, I went to see the doctor and she sent me for a chest x-ray, MRI, and bone scan. I went to see her because I was feeling pain on the surgery side. Those scans showed nothing. Well, the CT scan showed inflamation, deep in the chest, most likely from radiation that wasn't on the previous scan in November (I finished radiation in October). I don't know what that means. I still need to talk to my doctor. I hope it will just go away, but can I really expect something so simple?

I also got my results from my genetic testing. It turned out to be negative, which means that my breast cancer is not related to genetics or family history. That is good!

Prayer Request

I am republishing an e-mail I got today from my sister-in-law, Robyn. Her sister, Kristi, was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer a few years ago. Some of you may remember me asking you to pray for her. She has 3 children my kids ages. Anyway, she is doing fine, but I just got this e-mail about her friend, and maybe you can pray for her family. This is why I do the Relay for Life; I feel like I have to do something:

Karin Kelley is a good friend to Kristi; she has been very good and helpful to our family especially when Kristi was going through breast cancer treatments. She took our children under her wings when Kristi started working again and helped make our move to Lincoln easier for Kristi just by being the friend and person she is. Thursday night Sean (Karin’s husband) passed away, he has been battling cancer for the last several years and was diagnosed about the same time Kristi was. He was in his very early 40’s. He leaves behind Karin and three Boys Jackson (5) Logan (7) and Hunter (9). Hunter was with his Dad at there home last night when he died. We ask that you all keep Karin and the Boys in your prayers through this difficult time in there life.


Lord we pray that you will give Karin and the boys the strength and understanding they need to get through these difficult times, surround them with love and fill them with the comfort they need knowing that you are with Sean and he no longer has to endure the suffering. We ask that you keep a close hand on the boys as they go through there life and give them the strength and courage that you gave Sean and that the boys will learn and live by that.

We ask this In Jesus’ name Amen.



Thanks!!!

Chris (Kristi's husband)

CT Scan Tomorrow

Yes, I know it's been a while since my last post. No news is good news. I have a CT scan tomorrow. They are following up on a nodule on one of my lungs, just to make sure it doesn't change. No worries! I am hoping this is my last one. I'll keep you posted.

The Relay for Life is in 2 weeks. If you wish to donate to the American Cancer Society, click the link to the right of this post. It will go directly to the ACS for our team. You can donate in someone's honor if you wish.

People living with cancer need to know that you are there! That is why the Relay is such a great event. It brings the community together to show everyone that we care, and are doing what we can to help rid the world of this disease.

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Susannah and Sophia had their Broadway Bound show tonight. It was so good. Sophia was is a play called "You've Got The Power", and Susannah was in one called "It's Saturday." Both very good. They did an excellent job. I have the DVD if anyone wants to see. I think my girls were the best, of course.

I'm feeling fine now. Earlier this week I was dealing with a partial blockage in my intestine. I'm not quite 100%, but I'm better and better. My doctor said that 99% of partial blockages clear on their own, and I had my doubts, but so far so good. I was afraid I would have to go back to the hospital with a tube in my nose and do the steroids again. I just didn't eat, and tried to take it easy, but anyone with 3 kids knows that's almost impossible. I got about an hour of rest - that's a lot for me during the day. My doctor told me to take a hot bath and drink fluids. That's the first bath I have taken in this house since I don't know when. Who has time to soak in the tub? It was nice, though. I was actually rested and clean. I picked Sophia up from school and the first thing she said was, "Mommy, why do you look so pretty?" I guess she's not used to seeing me "primped" and relaxed. I'm usually running around in sweat pants on my way to or from the gym (or trying to get there!).

Susannah had a dinosaur museum at school yesterday, too. That's why I was actually dressed in "big girl" clothes instead of workout clothes. Each child in Susannah's class had to talk about their dinosaur, and they each made a diarama, and posters, and made dinosaur bones, and wrote a report. They all did such a good job. Matt Stefunek is in Susannah's "sister class", so we saw his presentation, too. Good job! I ran into Mrs. Daul, Matthew's teacher, and she told me that she is friends with the Bauerleins, and she had seen everyone the day before at the dinosaur museum. I said, I know and that Elizabeth told me Mrs. Daul gave her a turtle, and "isn't she special". Mrs. Daul, without missing a beat said, "Yes, she is!" I hope you enjoy your turtle, Elizabeth! I can't wait to meet him face to face.

Have a great weekend! I have more doctor's appointments next week. It is never ending. Check out the Relay For Life link on the right side. Our team is trying to raise $10,000 this year. You can help! Click on the link and donate any amount. Thanks to Hal and Winnie Hinz for your donation!

John and I just got back from a long weekend in Las Vegas. We met my brother and sister-in-law there. We had a really nice time. NO kids. The last time John and I got to go away with just the two of us was when we spent the night at the Waldorf Austoria in NYC the day I found my lump. This was a welcome trip. I'm not a gambler, but I am an eater and a shopper. We had a great time. We also saw Barry Manilow and George Wallace. Two great shows!

The Tuesday before we left I went to Sloan Kettering in the city for the genetic testing. We'll see how that turns out. I'm pretty sure that will be negative, but my doctor suggested the testing since I'm so young to have breast cancer. They have a family tree all filled out and list causes of death, diseases, etc. for my family. Try doing that sometime. I was really surprised. I also found out that my cousin had breast cancer 9 years ago. They said it was small and they caught it early so she had a lumpectomy with radiation. Now she is diagnosed with metastatic disease and has terminal cancer in her stomach and spine. She is 48 I think. She is doing chemo to control it, but will never be cured. Keep her in your prayers. I haven't spoken to her in years, but called to get info for this genetic testing. We had a great conversation, and I'm so glad we got to talk. She's on my father's side, so they said her cancer is unrelated to mine. I wanted to get the genetic testing for my children. I figure the more information, the better.

I have been very emotional lately. I think because I spoke to my cousin and she's not doing so well. That could easily be me. That's why I chose to go full force with my treatments with chemo and radiation and now Tamoxifen. How do you know what to do? I chose not to get a bone scan, now I think I probably should have. I'll have to talk to my doctor and see what she thinks. I have an appointment this week with her.

I've also been having problems with my Crohn's disease. Same kind of pains as before that ultimately lead to the intestinal blockage that put me in the hospital last time. I was really sick today and spent most of the day laying down. I'm feeling better now, though, and will be in contact with my doctor at Mt. Sinai.

Now I'm getting mad! It's time for me to take my health back!! I'm not going to sit here and be sick. Diet, exercize, lots of water, supplements, whatever it takes. It's time I put Amy first, for myself, but mostly for my children. I don't want them to have to deal with a sick mommy all the time. I will not let sickness hold me back. Lance Armstrong took control of his health, and so can I. I can overcome anything, God willing. Crohn's, cancer, I will put this behind me and not live in fear. Pray for me, I need strength. I can do it. I will do it.

Happy Easter to everyone. We had a very busy day. Went to church at 8:30, then everyone came to our house for dinner. Had an Easter egg hunt in the yard. Today, I am exhausted. My sweet husband cleaned up the kitchen this morning so I'm going to take it easy today. Last Easter is just so vivid to me. How I felt, the uncertainty for the next year. When I went up to take communion, I glanced up at the chior loft, and saw Elizabeth doing bells. Looking stylish wearing her scarf, in the middle of her chemo. It seems every year there is one more person. It was a bit emotional for me. I'm just a baby.

But here I am a year later, cancer free!!! I got my test results back and they were all negative. I have a bone scan scheduled for Tuesday, but I think I will cancel it. I now know why my joints all ache. I went to Mt. Sinai to visit with a doctor there to discuss my Chrons disease. That's what put me in the hospital in January. I don't want to relive that. Anyway, come to find out, Chrons is simiar to Multiple Sclorosis in that is is an immune disease, and even asked if I had people in my family with MS or lupis. Come to find out, I'm not 100 years old, it affects your joints like arthritis. I also found out that my red, bloodshot eyes is also a sign of active disease. Who knew? Surgery may be in my future for this, and may be the best option. Very informative visit. More to come, I'm sure, as he evaluates my tests, films, etc.

I need a full time secretary to help me manage doctor's appointments. When will it end!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!

I made it through one year. Yesterday was one year since my surgery. It's kind of like my new birthday, only it's like the first step to the rest of your life. I stopped by the see Elizabeth and drop off some baked goods. She's doing great, looks great, and aside from being tired says she feels fine. I think chemo is a little like a lobster being dropped into a cold pot over a flame. You get sicker as you go, only you don't really feel it until you're really sick. Does that make sense? I remember feeling fine during chemo aside from having bad days, but once you have your last treatment you think, wow, I was really sick. It just sneaks up on you and the effect is cummulative.

I'm having Easter at my house this year, and planning Sophia's 6th birthday. Tomorrow is John's 40th!! He didn't want anything special. We are going to Las Vegas at the end of the month. I've been so busy. So much for taking it easy!

Lion's and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!!

That's all I could think of - Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! from The Wizard of Oz yesterday when I saw my oncologist at Sloan Kettering. I told her about some minor pain I've been having around the surgery/radiation site, so she prescribed an MRI, chest x-ray, and bone scan, Oh My! I guess that's all they can do. They have no idea what's causing discomfort, so they use the tools available to them. It's just a pain for me to schedule and go to. It takes a day to get all that done. Then there's the mind games attached to getting the tests and waiting for the reports. I'm sure it is nothing, and the doctor said "I'm sure it's nothing," but my mind tends to wander. They are being cautious, and I guess so am I.

I guess I'm getting geared up for Easter. Last year at Easter, I was just diagnosed, and I think that pain is coming back. I remember on Easter feeling so calm and so confident in the midst of the storm. That's Jesus. I need to keep my eyes on Him. I am strong and confident in Him. There, I feel better already. Thanks for listening to me ramble. I guess this is my therapy.

Long after the treatments are finished, you still feel betrayed by your body, and wonder if you will ever feel safe again. I'm still waiting to get to that point, so until I get there, Thanks for Listening!!

Die Fred, Die!!!

Well, I went to chemo again yesterday. ... With my friend Elizabeth. Those of you who don't know, Elizabeth was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma within the past month. She started chemo on Tuesday, and I along with her mother, accompanied her on her first day. She has 6 total treatments. The goal is to kill Fred (she named her tumor). You must check you her blog at EJBauerlein.blogspot.com. I got to hear cute stories about Elizabeth, and all the grey hairs she gave her mom. About the time she lacerated her liver at a church picnic, when she got lost in the woods when she was about 2 or 3 and they found her walking down the middle of the street, when she had a tea party on the top of a camper, etc. I couldn't help but think about my own children.

We camped out for the day. Her treatment lasted for about 5 hours. Turns out, Elizabeth is doing 2 of the same chemo drugs I did. I finished chemo last August, but it is amazing what you forget, or maybe you just block it out. Unfortunately, Elizabeth now becomes a member of the chemo sisterhood. I hope I can help her in some way. I would love to make it easier for her, but unfortunately, it's something you have to go through yourself.

Elizabeth is not mushy, but I am. I will publish the mushy parts on my blog. For all you mother's out there, say a special prayer for those with sick children. Even if those children are 27, 30, or 41. This one's for you Judy, Mil, Mom... It is hard for a mother to see her child have to go through something like this. That was the only time yesterday during the treatment when tears were shed. Elizabeth's mom, Mil, had to watch as her daughter was hooked up to chemo drugs to kill "Fred" hiding in her neck. Mil said she would go through this instead of her in a heartbeat. I understand that totally. I have said all along that I would rather go through this than any of my kids. It must be painful to watch your child struggle with an illness like cancer. Hats off to you mom, you are my strength; hats off to you, Mil, you will get through this, too. Just think, next year at this time Fred will be long gone, and Elizabeth with have yet another cute hairstyle.

Grace Touches My Life

The following is the "temple talk" I gave at my church, Grace Lutheran, here in NY. I thought it was appropriate to reprint in my blog since it applies to all of you as well as you were apart of my journey and healing through breast cancer. My task was to discuss what my church means to me and how it touches my life. I am not one for public speaking, and it scares me, but once I started, it was hard to turn it off. I have had such a great support throughout this whole "adventure", and I had the opportunity to thank the entire congregation publicly. Thank you to all of you, and thank you for your prayers, thoughts, and support.

John and I were asked today to speak about how Grace has touched our lives. If you heard Kathy Sherer last week, you will hear some similarities in our stories about how we came to Grace. I grew up in a Lutheran church in Omaha. I was raised in Sunday school, youth group, all my best friends were friends from church. I went on ski trips, canoe trips, retreats. I had a great experience growing up, and I’ve always dreamt to pass that on to my children.

John grew up Catholic, but since I agreed to move to New York, and leave my family in Nebraska, John agreed to attend the Lutheran church. After going to another Lutheran church in the area, and meeting with the pastor there, we both felt something was missing. I can’t remember one person who spoke to us, or one face. We probably attended every protestant church in the area until we found Grace. Unlike other churches, I remember the faces and the people who said Hello. One of the first people I remember going out of her way to say hello was Maria Hughes. That was just the beginning of a wonder friendship, and a series of friendships to come. That is how Grace touches my life.

Pastor’s first visit to our humble condo I remember telling him that John and I just found out I was preganant with our first baby, Susannah. I think that was probably in Januray 1998. Soon after John and I joined the church officially, and that was just the beginning. John and I attended regularly and soon I met another pregnant women even larger than me, Nancy Wood, (which was unusual since Susannah was 11lb 3oz.) , of course she was pregnant with twins. Soon we developed friendships that would last and become more meaningful as the years went by, the Yetters, Woods, Stefuneks, Bauerleins, Hughes, Brabans, and on and on. That is how Grace Touches my life.

I remember just getting invited to a girls night out, and not really knowing anyone. This was going to be the first time to go out with the ladies. Sue Dunn called me a few days before to cancel saying the Rudolf’s house had burned down. The church rallied and helped to raise money to get them back on their feet. That was my first time I saw the church in action, to make a difference, to help a part of our church family through a terrible ordeal, through prayer, donations, and genuine concern. That is how Grace touches my life.

When John and I joined the church we sat on the right side of the church about four rows back every Sunday. Behind us sat Marion Rudolph and her daughter Sue, every Sunday. Susannah and Mrs. Rudolph developed a relationship, flirting over the pews, and Mrs. Rudolph would bring Susannah something for Christmas and Easter. Soon she continued the tradition when Sophia was born. When Mrs. Rudoph died, Sue told me that when her mother was dying in the hospital she would tell her to think of holding the girls hands, and think of their tiny fingers holding hers and that was a sweet thought in her final days. That is how Grace touchs my life.

Soon after, Sue took up the tradition and would buy all three of my children something for Christmas and Easter. She was a special lady. When Sue herself was dying of cancer at Northern Westchester, John and I would take the kids to visit. She always looked forward to seeing them. The last time I saw Sue, I was taking her communion as part of the Eucharistic ministry. She died not more that a week later. That is how Grace touches my life.

I remember Susannah’s first Christmas pageant. She was a sheep as were all the pre-schoolers in the play. She stood next to Mark Yetter, who was a cow, and they were singing and swaying to the music. Soon the swaying became bumping into one another. The bumping into one another became, hitting, and then a leg and then Richard Hoover, their shepherd had to break up the brawl between the sweet little lamb and the adorable little cow. That became part of one of Pastor’s sermons, and after reminiscing about that all these years later, people still remember the pageant when the lamb and the cow went at it during the pageant. That is how Grace touchs my life.

Everyone in this church is a part of our extended family. Our first baby-sitter was Erica Bauerlein, and then Elizabeth Bauerlein. My kids loved them and we felt comfortable leaving our children to them. When I found out I was pregnant with Alex, I remember asking Elizabeth how much she would charge for babysitting three children. Her reaction I will remember forever. She was so happy for us, and I was so touched. The Bauerleins became an extension of our own family and Janette Yetter and I kid them that we want to be an adopted sister since both our families are in other states. I think we did become honorary sisters after all. The first Easter egg hunt Susannah attended at the Bauerleins was when Sophia was born. My cousin visiting from Sweden took her while I recouperated from giving birth just days before. Last year, I was recovering from surgery, and Bill Prazenka came to my house to find out why my kids weren’t there and he and Brian and Evan DeMarzo proceded to take them to the Easter Egg hunt. I was looking at the video recently and trying to figure out who’s voice that was taking the video, and when this was that Katrina was taking the kids Easter egg hunting. I realized quickly that it was of course Bill’s voice, and he was following my kids around with Katrina taking video so I could see them. This is how Grace touches my life.

It was exactly one year ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. What a year. Some of the darkest days I’ve ever known, and some of the brightest. I remember e-mailing Pastor as soon as I found out. Soon there after, the emails, letters, prayers, meals, began. I could not have imagined the outpouring I received, and I can never say thank you enough. Words can’t say thank you enough. I remember Pastor’s sermon on Easter morning last year about how life can stop on a dime. We sat in the front of the church, and I could hear the sniffles all around me and I felt like Pastor was speaking directly to me. This is how Grace touches my life.

Last year not long after, I attended the Relay for Life, and outreach for Grace at Mahopac High school. It was difficult since I just had a treatment two days before, and I just lost my hair and was a little embarrassed to be wearing a wig. I didn’t know if I would have the strength to walk around the track for the survivor’s lap, emotionally. I did the lap with Elenor Vogel on one side and Carol Hoover on the other and everyone else cheering from the bleechers. I had the strength. It seems that every year one more person from our church walks that survivors lap, and we are all there to support one another. That is how Grace touches my life.

You brought me meals so my family could eat. You took me to chemo treatments. You took my children under your wing. You prayed for me and my family. You baby –sat my children so I could sleep. You took time out of your busy lives to send a card to let me know you are thinking about me and my family and praying. You sent flowers. People tell me they admire how strong I am. That I made it through the most difficult time in my life because of some inner strength. They are wrong. I made it through because of the strength I got from The Lord, that continuing relationship that began all those years ago in Sunday School and Youth Group as a child, and the strength I got from you, Pastor and my family. You prayed when I couldn’t, you cooked when I couldn’t, you drove me when I couldn’t, you took care of my children when I couldn’t. I could not have done it without all of you. That is how Grace touches my life.

Now I am so thankful for you, my church family, more than you know. I just hope I can give back as much as you have given me. And I pray that my children will grow up with the happy memories as I have had. For them, their life-long walk with Christ begins today, in this church. This church practices what Jesus first taught us, love your neighbor as yourself. Treat others as you want to be treated. We are not perfect, but I do know that if you are looking for Jesus, you will find him at Grace. That is how Grace touches my life.

Thankful for Every Day!!

Well, I'm getting used to the hair. I know there are bigger things in life, but when you've been bald for the better part of a year, it just becomes more important. I don't have much to say, Thank God! My next appointment is in April for genetic testing at Sloan Kettering in New York City. Should be fun.

I am just so thankful for every day. I am thankful for days when the word "cancer" doesn't even come to my mind. I remember during my treatments thinking, "will there ever be a day when it's not on my mind." Well, I think those days are coming. Yesterday, I had a great day just doing "Mommy" stuff - getting kids on the bus, picking them up from pre-school, doing laundry, making dinner and being so thankful that I can do it all.... I just had to get up from the computer and threaten one of my children, I love being a mommy!

I will enjoy each and every day without sickness. Those days when that is all you can think about are suffocating. I can now feel like I can breathe. I don't know what to do so it never comes back. I'm not sure there is anything anyone can do. Just try to live as healthy as possible, and enjoy every precious day. Enjoy every day, even the seemingly mundane. It can all turn on a dime.

When I hear the song by Tim McGraw called "Live Like You Were Dying", I just think, "That's not what I'd waste my time doing.. "I'd go sky diving, I'd go Rocky Mountain climbing, I'd go 2.7 seconds on a bull named 'Fu Man Chu'..." I'd just spend every minute with my family doing nothing, watching movies, hanging out, playing games, wrestling my 3 year old. Those days are precious. I love every moment (although I could use a little alone time occasionally, a massage would'nt hurt either - ha ha ha).

Where's Amy?

Hello Everyone! Well, It is appoaching the one year mark since I was diagnosed. I am pretty emotional about it. I'm not sure if that's because of the Prednisone, or just normal. Last year at this time, John and I planned a night at the Waldorf in New York City. The morning of the day we left, I found "the lump" that would change my life. The whole weekend we were supposed to be having fun, I was scared, crying, not sure, hoping it was nothing. Then on Monday, the doctor's appointments started and haven't let up since. (I had two appointments last week!)

Last week I attended a support group meeting at the Support Connection for young survivors. We all have young children and are in varying stages of recovery. It was nice to talk to others in the same situation. I also found out that another mother at the playgroup where Alex goes to school was diagnosed December '04. She's to her one year mark now, only she is stage 4. She has spots on her liver. She also has a 4 year old and a 6 year old. You can add her to your prayers! She has not done any chemo since she is stage 4. I think now for her quality of life is important as well as stopping the spread. Makes my problems now sound so trivial.

I'm having a break-down because of my hair. Or maybe in spite of my hair. Or maybe I'm just breaking down. Everything is catching up with me. Last week I went in to the hair dresser to get a lift. I am feeling blah, and wanted to get some color to make me brighter and sunnier (and hide grey). Anyway, I ended up looking like a man. Now I'm experiencing the trauma of my hair falling out all over again. My hair, which has been blonde my whole life, is now brown and dull. He also asked if he could just "clean it up a little". I said "okay". He trimmed my hair, which was only about an inch long to begin with. I now have shorter, dull brown hair with sideburns. I am traumatized now. Alex looked at me and said, "Mommy, you look like a boy." Can't argue with a 3 year old. Sophia said, "Mommy, what did you do to your hair?" I just wanted to cry.

You just get to a point where you want to feel like yourself. I look in the mirror after gaining so much weight after taking the steriods, and not having any hair and now "man hair", and I wonder where Amy went. I have no time to myself, to do anything I once did. Kids and housework and activities and everything and everyone else comes first. Where did Amy go? When I find out, I'll keep you posted.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Our trip to Nebraska was fantastic. We just got back on New Years Day. Still trying to get everything back to normal. We got in Sunday night, the kids went back to school on Wednesday, and I was admitted to the hosptial on Thursday night with a bowel obstruction. I am now in the hosptial to see if it will clear up on its own, otherwise I will need surgery to clear it up. Hopefully it won't get that far. I have Crohns disease, but have never had much problem with it until now. I think probably something I've been through this past year triggered it.

Now I'm just sitting here in bed with an NG tube in my nose going down my throat to get anything out of my bowels. I can't eat or drink anything and haven't since Thursday night. The nurse just came in and gave me a Cepacol for my throat - what a treat! First thing in 3 days. I'm much better today. My spirits are up and my attitude is great. Today is a new day.

I have never felt pain like this before, bar none. I was laying on the floor unable to move when the EMT's came to get me Thursday night. I was pretty low when I got here, feeling very sick, lots of pain, wondering what's next. Today is a beautiful Sunday morning, I got to see my kids last night, and I got a Cepacol this morning, which I am enjoying as we speak.

It's amazing what you consider a good day after all that I've been through. Forget about pampering, I just want a shower; forget about a big fancy meal, I just want a glass of water; forget about running 3 miles on the treadmill I look forward to walk around the room a few times a day when I'm not hooked up to anything.

Right now I'm looking forward to John bringing the kids up to see me today. They are so sweet and I can just see the concern on their little faces. Alex didn't want to leave last night and was crying, and of course that started me up. They all made me sweet cards and we snuggled in my hospital bed, all four of us. We watched "Annie" with Carol Burnett. I was very touched when they sang, "The Sun Will Come Up, Tomorrow..." Perfect timing.

Anyway, I'll just lay here with my laptop and catch up on my e-mails. Send me messages so I have something to do! John got me a laptop for Christmas. I Love It. God Bless you and your families, have a great New Year!!