5 Down, 3 To Go

I did it!! I got my first Taxol round. I was there from 10:45 until 5:30. Anne Marie went with me and we had a nice time in the chemo room until I was knocked out with the Benedryl. We watched "Hitch" and I slept half way through. It's now 2 days after and I'm not feeling quite so sick. This isn't as bad as the previous 4 rounds. Everything is going fine.

Pastor - I read your posting and you reminded me to take my antibiotics! Thanks. I am so humbled by the fact that you pray for me at such historical Christian sites in Bethlehem, places where Christ himself walked. It is a reminder to me that Christ has healed me through His wounds, and I have nothing to fear. Have a safe trip!!

That fear has a way of sneaking in, though. Just talking to people around me in the chemo room makes me fearful. One lady about my age was there getting her chemo, we struck up a conversation and she's doing chemo for the second time. The first time was four years ago for breast cancer and now it's metasticized. I know there are so many more good stories and victories, and that's what I need to see.

I am also feeling guilty. I don't know why. I guess I feel like I'm coming up short for my husband and children. When you get married you vow to love each other in sickness and health, but I guess I thought I would be doing the caretaking. It's hard to be the one that needs to be cared for. Did I mention that one of the side-effects of these drugs is moodiness? Yeah, I guess I'm feeling a little of that now.

I am doing fine, though. Thanks again to all who keep me in their prayers. Only 3 more rounds and then radiation. I will be glad to put this behind me and look forward to running a marathon, or climbing a mountain, or just being a mom and wife again.

Here is a card I loved that my friend Kristin sent me, I had to share it with you:
A Coping Poem
"Into each life some rain must fall," Some brilliant person said.
Too bad that person's not here now-- I'd hit him on the head!
It isn't very comforting to know that life is hard,
But I want to let you know I care --
That's why I bought you this card.

I love that. It came in the mail and made me smile just when I needed it. Everything makes me cry, too. I was reading one of the drug card fact sheets and a side effect is mood changes. The card came on one of my weepy days, so a smile was just what I needed. Thanks Kristin.

Last week I was overly tired. It was hard to get moving. I wasn't going to do anything on my birthday because John was working, but Elizbeth came over and said "We're taking you out, and we already have the babysitter covered." How could I resist. Elizabeth, Carol, Janette, Marta, Susan, Lynn, and Christine took me out to dinner. It was so nice to sit on the lake and hang out with the girls. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ladies!! Janette, you are next!!! (We missed you Kristin.) We definately need to do that more often.

John's birthday present for me was supposed to be a convertible for the summer, but the deal didn't happen, so he got me a portable DVD so I can watch movies during my treatments. That will really come in handy now that my treatments are going to be about 4 hours long now.

I have really been tired and I have another sore throat. I went in on Friday so they could get a throat culture and a blood sample. Turns out my red blood count is low (not the white) and I am going to get another shot for that so it doesn't fall below a certain level. The nurse said if it gets real low I would need a blood transfusion. I'll take the shot!! At least I now know why I've been so overly tired. It also turns out that I have another bacterial infection called H-flu. I am on more antibiotics. I must pick up every bug that floats by my face. My kids are all healthy and no one I know of has been sick. There's always something!!!

Tomorrow is my next treatment. It will be number 5 of 8. I start a new drug called Taxol. Taxol takes about 3 hours, but before I get an IV of Benedryl to help eliminate any allergic reations. Tonight and tomorrow morning I take a steriod. The doctor keeps saying that this is not as bad as the previous drugs. I hope so. I've spoken to other people and they say the worst part was numbness in the fingers and toes. Oh goody. Sounds great.

My sister-in-law, Anne Marie is going with me. We'll watch movies and have lunch and be home by 4:00. Anne Marie's 4 kids and my 3 will all be at my house with my mother-in-law for the day, so be praying for her!

Sue Citerella, a friend from St. John's Playgroup, sent around a letter, so now I have people from St. John's bringing dinner for me. We live in such a great community. Everyone pulls together to help. The dinner's really help, especially because I'm so tired. I'm wiped out by the end of the day. Even shopping wipes me out. I think dinner is covered for this week of my treatment. Thank you everyone!!! I'm lucky I get to see first hand how great people are.

I'll keep you posted on this next treatment. I'm not sure what to expect yet. I'll let you know!!

Good Morning!!

I'm feeling well today, finally. I plan to just be outside today and play with the kids. There's nothing else I would want to do today. I'm going to take it easy and love my babies. Alex and Sophia are home today and Susannah has school. I can't believe she is still in school- that's enough already! I always remember as a kid in Nebraska being out of school way before my birthday. My birthday is Wednesday and Susannah isn't out until Friday! John has something planned for my birthday. Every once in a while I catch him giggling. He's so bad a surprises. He can hardly keep it in. I'll keep you posted...

Off to the ER - False Alarm

I am now approaching the worst days of the chemo cycle. I am sick and tired and burnt out. I feel like all the joy has been yanked from underneth me. I know it will get better. I just read my previous blog and just reading those words outloud gives me strenth.

I so looked forward to the spring this year because we had such a long winter. I never thought it would mean the worst spring of my life. Maybe this will teach me to enjoy all the seasons of my life a little more.

I had my treatment on Tuesday and then on Wednesday I go in for a shot of Neulasta to boost up my white blood count. The nurse asked me "So how are you feeling?" I said fine, I just felt like I had some heart palpations earlier, but I went out for a walk and got fresh air and felt fine. - Big mistake. She felt she should mention it to the doctor and of course the doctor thought I should get checked out. So off I went to the emergency room for an EKG. I thought, that's not so bad I'll be in and out - wrong. They want to do every check they can think of, all the while I say I'm doing fine. I didn't get out of there until about 9:00pm and I got there at 5:00pm. Poor Brian Prazenka our friend and babysitter was stuck with the kids until John got home. Thank you Brian!!! I don't know what I'd do without you! I can't help worry about the kids while I'm being poked and prodded. It all turned out as expected, they could not find anything wrong except a high white blood count due to the Neulasta.

So now today, I'm just trying to get over this last round of chemo, and hoping the next won't be so bad. Thanks to all for praying. Your comments mean the world to me. Your strength gives me strength. - The door bell just rang - Food from Sue Prezanka delivered by the Stefuneks. Of course more tears for me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! I just can't help and look around me and see the great community we are all apart of. You guys are the greatest. From New York to Nebraska to Texas to Minnesota to Missouri and all the way to Sweden and Jordan, I know you are all there for me! It's amazing!!

Prayer request: "Are any among you sick? They should call for the elders of the church and have them pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord. And their prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make them well" (James 5:14-15)

Well, today I go in for #4. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, although I am happy to be half way done. Today is also the last dose of these particular kind of drugs. The doctor keeps telling me that this is the worst part. I hope it does get easier. I'm still in shock and can't beleive I have to do this at all. I'm just sick to my stomach thinking about it. At this point in the treatment, I think it's harder on my spirit.

The following is the medicine I need to get through the day. You can help me, too, by praying these things for me:

"If you do these things, your salvation will come like the dawn. Yes, your healing will come quickly. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind" (Isaiah 58:8)

"'I will give you back your health and heal your wounds,' says the Lord" (Psalm 30:2)

"Praise the Lord I tell myself, and never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases" (Psalm 103:2-3)

"He personally carried away our sins in his own body on the cross so we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. You have been healed by his wounds" (1Peter 2:24)

I need to be reminded of these things each day. Sometimes I have a little pity party and think "Why me?" but I forget that I am already healed. I know the Lord has great things in store for me. I believe His promises for me. Every once in a while the self pity sneaks in.

Those are the words I will take with me to Sloan Kettering today. I have been healed by His wounds!

I have a few minutes, so I'll blog at you! You should know the drill by now. I'm feeling great! My last treatment knocked me out and now I'm on the upswing. (It was last week). What a busy week! I made it through. Now I'm looking forward to just planting my flowers under a floppy hat with lots of sunscreen!

I think the hair thing is already getting old. It is hot and I feel so weird wearing it. I think the hair is only for airconditioning. We went on Sunday to get annuals at the nursery, and immediately after getting in the car I whipped off the hair and replaced it with a ball cap. Then we saw Mike and Mary in the car and I whipped off the ball cap and I threw on the wig (hopefully no one saw the exchange - now that would be funny). I can't seem to make up my mind. You just may see me walking around like GI Jane - Dash-It-All!!

Now, I am losing my sense of taste. Everything tastes strange and I'm a little nauseous. I know every mother can relate. It's alot like pregnancy, only this is just for four months, and not the weight gain, so I guess I should be thankful(?). I just can't figure out now why last years summer clothes fit so snug. I just can't win.

Life goes on...chemo or not!

Well, I made it through another one on Tuesday. I'm just tired. My energy is zapped. I did find out that I did have a bacteria last time and that is why I got so sick. I had homopholous influenza, whatever that is. All I know is that I was sick and had a terrible sore throat. Now I'm taking antibiotics for it. I'm much better now. I guess I'm getting into the swing of this. I just make plans for when I'm feeling good, however that doesn't always work. Tuesday was Susannah and Sophia's dress rehersal for dance, Wednesday was Susannah's school play, tonight is their recital, this weekend is the Relay for Life and Sunday is the Sunday school breakfast (I taught Susannah's first grade Sunday school class this year along with my partner in crime Elizabeth Bauerlein).

This weekend is the Relay for Life that benefits the American Cancer Socitey. It is here in Mahopac at the high school and it is an all night relay to raise money. I will try to be there. I ordered several copies of the book that gives me inspiration, and I've mentioned it before, "Grace for Each Hour" by Mary J. Nelson. I think it's a great outreach for our church, and for me. The book gives inspiration and solid scripture to help you heal. I doesn't concern itself with the medical side, and that's refreshing. I don't know how I would make it through this without a church family helping me along, so now I want to reach out to others and offer a warm embrace and a welcome heart or just words of encouragement.

I am on my church council and selected to be on the outreach/evangelism committee. At first I didn't have a clear vision. I think my vision is coming piece by piece. I just need an actual committee. Maybe some of my fellow members of Grace can join me in this endeavor. E-mail me if interested (aymie@aol.com). More info coming soon in "Grace Notes".

Sunday is the Sunday school breakfast! See you there!