No News Is Good News

I've been really bad about posting news. Thank God, nothing to report. I had a follow-up ultra-sound to see the cyst on my overie, but it was gone. The tech said that's good and there was just a bit of fluid which probably means it burst and that is normal. I can breath a sigh of relief.

Now the Christmas season begins. Lots to accomplish, bake, shop, wrap, decorate, pack. I find joy in everything, even though it is a bit stressful. Yesterday, I was taking laundry down the stairs (my comforter from my bed that Alex had an "accident" on) and I tripped over a bucket which sent an army of small toys flying. I'm always telling the kids not to play on the stairs. I could have gotten mad, (I did, for about 2 seconds), but then I just thanked God for my children.

Thank you baby Jesus for coming to save us.

The Power of Prayer

It has been so long since my last post. I think because when I finished, I just didn't want to think about it anymore. It's kind of like my husband John, who when he is sick of talking on the phone, when he hangs up, he almost throws the phone to get it away from his ear. I guess I feel the same about cancer treatment, so I just had nothing to say.

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. We did. John and I hosted Thanksgiving at our house this year. I really have a lot to be thankful for. We had 24 people for dinner. It was really a lot of fun. Thanksgiving morning the kids woke up to snow on the ground. They were so excited. It was really a great day. The only thing missing was my family since they are in Nebraska, but I was with them in spirit! My daughter, Susannah said. "This is the best day of my life!" We all have a lot to be thankful for.

As a part of Outreach for our church, I am trying to start an active prayer group to pray for our community, leaders, our prayer list, whatever we are lead to pray for. Any church members reading this, please give me a call and we can get this started in January. Anyway, this journey has taught me the importance of prayer and how important it is to pray for others.

When I was first diagnosed, there was a breast surgeon in New York City who was struck and killed by an ambulance as she was crossing the street. The story went on that she was a pioneer in the field of breast cancer, and what a great loss it was. I was so moved, I began praying for her family, and also her patients. I could not imagine if she were my doctor, and then suddenly killed while trying to save my life. A few weeks ago, I was pampering myself getting a pedicure. I was reading an article in a magazine about a women who had breast cancer and how she is getting on with her life. I was so touched and fighting back tears with my feet soaking when I read that she was one of the people I had prayed for. She said it was her doctor who was stuck by an ambulance all those months earlier. I felt like, wow, full circle, prayer comes back. You never know who will be covered by your prayers, and how you can touch others and be touched.

I have so many other stories about how prayer has touched others and touched me. You never know where your prayers will take you and how God moves to answer them. Sometimes they are answered for the people you pray for and sometimes they are answered for you. Not my will, Lord, but yours.

I ask you all to keep praying for healing for Jessica Kaylor who has breast cancer, for Rosemary Wirth in Minnesota with Melanoma, for Diane Taylor, my aunt who is recovering from her double mastectomy, for Lois, Kristin Severino's mom, for Joan, stage 4 ovarian, and Jim, prostate cancer in Minnesota, and myself. I have another CT scan next week as a follow-up. Just pray that it will be clean! Even though I am done with my treatment and my prognosis is very good, you always have that fear with every pain you have. I have been having some weird abdominal pains that my doctor wants me to check out, so off I go for another CT scan. I'll keep you posted.

Support Connection Walk in October

This is Janette Yetter and myself finishing the walk in October. Janette was with me at the beginning of this journey and it was fitting that we finished together as well.









It was overwhelming how many people were at the event. Many walking in memory of mother's, sisters, aunts, friends who lost their battle. Janette and I were walking for survivors! For myself, my aunt Diane and for Jessica, Janette's neice in Texas who is still battling this terrible disease. Please continue to pray for Jessica! She has been in remission with stage 4 breast cancer, and at her recent scan they found a few more spots of cancer. We will pray for total healing for Jessica!!

All Done!!

Yes, I am done with radiation now. Thank the Lord! It's been one week without having to drive down there and get zapped. I actually got to drive Alex to school, talk to his teachers, talk to the other mothers. I went to the gym and worked out. There is actually life out there in the morning. I don't know what to do with myself. I think I just need to rest for a while.

I had an appointment with a pulminary specialist and he was unimpressed with my previous CT scan that suggested pulminary hypertension. I am not surprised and expected such. He said for me just to follow-up with an eco-cardiogram if I want to be certain.

I am now taking Tamoxofin and will continue to do so for 2 years. I'm supposed to take it 2 times a day. I am not used to taking anything, so this will be a real test to see if I can do it 2X a day. I already forgot once. Tamoxofin is supposed to help diminish the chances of a recurrance by blocking estrogen in the body.

I am looking to get my life back. My eyelashes are back, maybe that's my sign. I am now walking around without a wig and without a hat. It's pretty short, but it's my hair. I figure that this is as short as it will ever be.

Thank you Lord Jesus for getting me through this! Thank you friends and family! I did it. I now join the thousand of survivors who came before me. We did it!

One more week!

I am so relieved to be in my final week of radiation. Friday I will get my last zap. Last week I finished up the radiation to the entire breast area, and this week I get radiated in just the area around where the tumor was. That is called a boost. I am red and sunburned and itchy and tired and achey all over. I didn't think radiation would be so draining. My energy is zapped and I have been sleeping as much as possible. I get tired very quickly. Could be why I haven't "blogged" in a few weeks. I can't wait to put this chapter behind me.

My aunt Diane had her surgery last week. She opted for a double mastectomy so she could rest at ease not to have to go through this again in a few years. I admire her courage. She's doing great and recovering at my mom's house. She's been one of my biggest cheerleaders and now I want to be hers! You GO Diane!! You are so strong and courageous! I am proud of you.

I went to the gym for the first time since I started radiation. It felt really strange, and my body feels weak still. I haven't felt like this ever. I've always pretty much worked out. Or when I took time off, I felt pretty good starting back, but today I actually felt sick after I worked out. I didn't even do much, just the elliptical trainer. It felt good to work out, I just felt really weak after. I have a lot of work to do and am eager to get back to doing it!

I have many doctor's appointments set up now as follow-up. MRI's, mamogram, bone density, follow-up doctor's appointments. I have a full schedule until Thanksgiving. I can tell you that this Thanksgiving I will be thankful, and that's an understatement.

John and I are going to see Joel Osteen at Madison Square Garden this Thursday. Should be great, but we are sitting in back of the stage (don't tell John-ha ha ha). Thanks Lindsey for your comment on my last post - I LOVE IT!!

Freckle Mix-up

FYI - I posted in a previous blog about the radiation techs dotting a freckle and not the tattoo, well the doctor assured me I am fine and it had no effect on my radiation. I am now beginning to have skin rashes from the radiation. He prescribed 2 topical creams that should help with that. He called it "Radiation Dermatitus". One more affliction to dump on the pile. It just itches like crazy! I hope the creams work.

Chaos & Heartache & Hope

This morning was a bit of chaos. I have to get Sophia on the bus at 8:00, Susannah on the bus at 8:50 and in between I usually try to get myself ready and make the drive to my daily shot of radiation. Today was hectic, as I'm sure you all have mornings like that. I didn't have time to get myself ready, spilled a 44 oz cup of water that was sitting on the bathroom floor (don't ask me why it was there), 4 minutes later spilled my own glass and broke it all over the bathroom sink while drying Susannah's hair. I was mad at John for something, and he was mad at me for something, and it was just funny so I just laughed. It was one of those mornings, but it just means that I'm alive and blessed by a busy family, and a wonderful husband who goes to his office each morning and works for his family. - Yes, I love my husband!!

I was up last night and could not sleep. One of those nights when you think of everything, and then try to do positive affirmations to get to sleep. It's hard to sleep when all you think about is this terrible disease. I don't necessarily think of my own cancer, sometimes I do, but also other people whom I meet each day at radiation. It just takes its toll. Yesterday a lady came out of her treatment just crying. I was gowned up and waiting in the ladies lounge waiting for my name to be called. She came into the locker area and then went into the changing room. I could hear her crying in the dressing room. I was very touched. I could feel what she was feeling with her. I was afraid they would call my name and I would miss her when she came out. I felt she needed someone to talk to. She did come out and I asked her if she was okay - No. Did she come with someone - yes, my husband. She said she needed to see the doctor today, that she was in so much pain in radiation and she has to do it twice a day four hours apart. She said she just cries thinking about doing radiation again. She is also going through chemo at the same time. She has in-operable lung cancer and give her a 20% chance of being alive in ten years.

Another lady who I always saw during chemo was at the radiation suite on Friday. I struck up a conversation with her, how are you?, are you doing radiation also?, when are you done with chemo?. What a friendly person she is, bright smile, always wears a bandana, always alone. She said she will always do chemo, that it must become a part of her life. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in January. She moved here from Texas to live with her sister so she could go to Sloan Kettering. We had a nice conversation. She told me that it is hard to keep her spirits up, sometimes she gets depressed. I can certainly understand. When I left I got to my car and got my Joel Osteen cd's on Keeping Your Joy and brought them in and gave them to her. I don't know if she's a Christian, but she knew Joel Osteen and said "He's from Texas just like me." She said she would listen to them, and even the insurance person from the office she was there to see said she enjoys him, too. (FYI - Joes Osteen is a preacher from TX I like to listen to in my car on the way to radiation. I feel blessed and ready to go after I hear his message.) I need to order that CD again now. I just hope she is as blessed with the message as I was. Get it for yourself on his website at JoelOsteen.com. You won't be disappointed.

Anyway, since I don't have my CD's anymore, I took the advice of Jacque, Janette's sister (also in TX) and rocked out on my way to radiation. I even bought a Van Halen CD on my way home. Sometimes you just have to rock out! It made me think of a simpler time in my life, when who you were going to Homecoming with was your biggest concern, and that felt really good.

Cancer is not fair, it doesn't care how old you are, how much money you have, how many kids you have, what kind of support network you have, how healthy you seem to be, it is ugly and destructive and so many lives are affected by it. This weekend I am going to walk for the Support Connection. The Support Connection is located here in New York. I called them when I was diagnosed, at the suggestion of Janette Yetter. They helped me by talking to other survivors who had gone through the same diagnosis and treatment and even same doctors. The Support Conncection offers counseling, support and activities to women and families affected by breast and ovarian cancers. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just know I want to support the people who supported me.

I mention Janette Yetter so much on this blog. I need to get a picture to post. Any one have a picture of her we can post? Maybe I'll take pictures at the walk this weekend so you can meet her. She's been such a big part of this journey with me, even though we don't see each other all the time. At church a few weeks ago I saw her and just started crying, I don't even know why. This week at church she gave me a pair of socks with the pink ribbon on them. Thanks, Janette. This weekend we're both skipping church since the walk is on Sunday morning. But I'm sure we won't be far from the Lord - just a different location. If you want to support us in our walk, you can send a check to the Support Connection, (check out their address in comments on the previous post), or go to their web site which I beleive is www.Supportconnection.org. If you wish, you may mail a check to me made out to The Support Connection, and I will make sure they get it. My address is Amy Sayegh, 35 Oak Pond Lane, Mahopac, NY 10541.

More on Radiation...

Wow! I haven't posted a comment for a while! Rest assured I'm doing fine. I am so busy with this radiation and 3 children in 3 different schools. On top of that, I'm tired all the time. My radiation should end October 21st. So just one more month of this torture. My skin is holding up just fine. So far, so good.

I did have one "Uh Oh" moment last Thursday. When they line you up and position you on the table before they treat you they dot the tattoos they gave me to make sure they see them when aligning me up with the machine. I usually leave with five black marker dots on my skin. Before I leave, I usually try to remove the dots so I don't go walking around with dots on me. Last week when I was taking off the marker after my treatment, I noticed that they "dotted" a freckle instead of the tattoo. I brought it up to the tech immediately, and she assured me I am fine, and they lined me up properly from the other tattoos. I don't feel assured, and will ask the doctor on my next visit. Obviously, I can't do anything about it now, but I just want to know. I don't think they will be dotting any more freckles.

About radiation: it doesn't hurt, it's just like getting an x-ray. After a while your skin starts to react and brown and then burn (just like being in the sun). I get actual x-rays once a week, and visit the doctor once a week. I get the treatment every day Monday thru Friday. The longest part of the treatment is getting positioned to make sure they radiate the same spot each day, radiating as little of the heart, lungs, or ribs as possible. The actual treatment is about 4 minutes. Everyone is so nice, and I'm in and out pretty quick.

At this point in my treatment, I'm just getting tired of everything. I can't wait to get back to normal, if that's possible. My feet still bother me from the chemo (Taxol). My left foot hurts and feels like it's asleep a lot - something I guess I'll have to bring up to the oncologist. I wonder if you ever really get back to normal or if that's just in the past now. I guess maybe a new "normal". I'm spacing out my doctor's appointments now. Nothing is "life-threatening" (thank the Lord), so I can plan my appointments so I don't have an appointment every day.

FYI, I got an e-mail from the American Cancer Society and they said they are busy getting people affected by Katrina help and treatments elsewhere. That was one of the things I was concerned about, and I get an e-mail about it. If you donate to the American Cancer Society, you can see where the money goes. Check out their web-site at cancer.org, they should have more on their hurricane efforts if you are interested.

Also, I am participating in the Support Connection walk here in NY on October 2. They are the ones who I called when I was diagnosed and I spoke to a few really nice people in the same position as I. It was nice to talk to someone. They gave me lots of info and made me feel like I'm not alone. They offer lots of services to women diagnosed with breast and ovarian cancer. Let me know if you want to sponser or donate. I'm participating because they helped me.

Will Work For Gas Money!

My previous post stated that my commute to radiation was 15 miles each way. Correction - 25 miles each way. I am currently taking any donations to fill up my gas tank (just kidding). Last time I filled up it cost me $89.00.

I was just e-mailing a family member, who is also going through cancer treatments. He was saying how he wondered what people did who didn't have friends or family around. I have to agree. You all have no idea how much you help me. I know I say it over and over, but it's true. I wrote back that you really find out how wonderful people can be, but I wish I didn't have to go through this and still thought most people were rotten (ha ha-again, just kidding).

I haven't felt any side effects from the radiation yet except being tired. But I think I was pretty tired before, so nothing new.

Rat Race

I had my first round of radiation today. One down 32 to go! I figure I'll be done October 20th. Tomorrow will be the beginning of the rat race for me with Susannah and Sophia starting school on 2 different buses at two different times and then driving Alex to school. Alex doesn't start school until Thursday. I have Elizabeth Bauerlein babysitting in the AM for Alex so I can go get my treatment. Wednesdays will be longer since I see the doctor every Wednesday. The rat race begins - council meetings, back to school nights for two different schools, Susannah's birthday party, lia sophia (jewelry) meeting and shows, Sunday school, kids activities and sports - on top of driving 15 miles each way to radiation everyday! I'm already tired. I guess I'll have time to enjoy my Joel Osteen CD's in the car. One thing I won't forget is to "smell the roses" each day. Thank you, Lord, for all this activity! We just don't know what is in store for us each day. I just thank God that I can enjoy every day I have.

My hair is definately coming in now. My kids call me Fuzzy Wuzzy. We have fun saying that rhyme, "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he." I guess you had to be there. Say a prayer for those affected by Katrina!

Vacation Pics

Are these girls right out of a postcard or what!


























I can't believe I have the guts to publish this picture. I do have hair, you just can't see it because it's baby hair!

How Lucky We All Are

I am back from vacationing in Virgin Gorda, British Virgin Islands, and getting back to normal life. Lots of laundry and doctor's appointments this week. We had a fantastic time and welcomed the opportunity to do nothing but relax at the pool and beach.

This week was a follow-up visit with the oncologist, a radiology visit, and a colonoscopy - everyone should do one. All is well. I feel great and ready to move on to the next phase of my healing process. Radiology begins next Tuesday for 33 treatments. My biggest problem is timing my visits between bus schedules and pre-school. I welcome these kind of challenges.

Doesn't it just kind of shrink your problems just seeing those poor people affected by the hurricane? I just can't help thinking about the women in New Orleans or Mississippi who is going through this same process now who also has to worry about her home, family, and when and if she can continue treatments and where she goes from here. I'm sure there are lots of people who are affected by this terrible hurricane who also have other trauma's to deal with in their lives. What about the woman who is just going through her diagnosis and now all her records have been washed away. Where do you go from here? How can we help, I don't know. I guess the best thing right now is to pray for these people and send money to the Red Cross or whatever charity can help. I think we all must help, however big or small.

From what I've seen in my little micro part of the world, you are all out there already, ready to help. I have seen so much out pouring of people wanting to help, and seeing me through my crisis, I just know that we will all pull together to help those affected by Katrina. Maybe you can't see what you can do, but I can. All of us pulling together, one by one, we all make a difference. With me, every phone call, every note, every silent prayer, every smile and how are you doing, every meal delivered to my door, every e-mail, and on and on, each little act of kindness helped me through this terrible time in my life. As a nation, if we all do whatever we can, we can help our fellow Americans through this terrible disaster. I have experienced it first hand! Thank you all!!!

Simulation Today

I went to Sloan-Kettering today for my radiation simulation. They basically mapped out the radiation, and how they will do it and where. They made a mold of me so I lie in the same position each time. I layed on the table and they took X-rays to see where my ribs and lungs and heart are so they radiate as little as possible. I guess I passed. They said I have very little that will be radiated except what they wanted to. I got tatooed, also. I guess that is so they know exactly where to radiate each time. I got home today and I had marker all over me! It looked like they were playing tic-tac-toe on my chest. After I got all marked up, and molded, they sent me upstairs for a CT scan to pinpoint exactly where my internal organs are so they can steer any radiation away from the area.

It felt a little overwhelming sitting on the table. One more step in this journey. The final one!! After a while you just get so sick of hospital settings, the sterol environments, the routineness of the process to the doctors and nurses. It is such a life altering experience for me, but to them, I am one of many coming through the door. I felt embarassased that I wanted to cry just lying there with the technician buzzing around, another tech measuring me, the doctor popping in and out to draw on me. I held it together. One step at a time. I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me!!!

After the simulation I had to go to the mall to pick up a few things since we are going on vacation tomorrow. My friend Janette called me on my cell. She told me that her neice, Jessica's scan results came back with no evidence of cancer in her whole body!!! She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer the same time I was diagnosed stage 2. I was shaking and crying and so happy just standing there in front of "The Children's Place" at the JV Mall. God worked a miricle in Jessica. I am so very happy for her!! I knew with every fiber of me that God was going to use Jessica to show His glory - and HE HAS! You must check out her blog site! Jessicakaylor.blogspot.com!!! PRAISE GOD!! (Check out comments from me on her blog from last week when Jake talking about life being Boring). God is good, and he has only the best plans for our life.

I will write more when we get back on vacation. Remember when I first began this blog I was dreaming of "Some beach, somewhere...", well, we are going tomorrow. We are going away with our good friends Molly and Ari Straus, and their 3 children. We are so looking forward to it! We'll be at the British Virgin Islands, at Ari's parent's house. The house is appropriatly named "Beach Dreams".

All is going well for me! I know now that I am done with all the heavy drugs I will get healthier and stronger. I am so blessed and so happy to be done with this. I am looking forward to finishing radiation. I go in this week to get the simulation, which is just setting me up and mapping out the radiation. They want to radiate as little of the heart/lungs/ribs as possible so they need to do a CT scan and map out the best positioning. I know when this part is over I never have to do this again. It only gets better from here!!

I do have to finish all the other testing now, but that's only testing and that will just show that I am as healthy as ever and only getting better. I can't wait to work out on a regular basis, not to be interupted by chemo. I am ready to live the rest of my life.

Small Miracle Today!!!

Yesterday I went in and my blood count was too low to do chemo. My doctor said my blood counts were not good and she would not let me get the chemo if it was scheduled for that day. I needed to get another blood test today before my chemo to see if I could even get my last dose dense treatment. I was so worried about not being able to get my last treatment, I forgot to take my pre-meds (steroids) before I went to bed. Two strikes against me!!

I asked everyone I saw and talked to yesterday to pray for good blood counts so I can get my chemo. I woke up today feeling really tired, and forgot to take my pre-meds last night, so I was sure they wouldn't let me. I got there and the nurse said, lets just do the blood work, and see. I got all ready for my treatment, she took the blood and came back and showed me the report. In order for me to get chemo my blood count needed to be over 1.5, mine was 1.6. She also said the doctor said I could do IV steroids and still do my treatment. I believe in prayer!! Thank you all for this small miracle. I was so excited to get my last treatment. NO MORE CHEMO!!!!

I really thank God for this. I was sure I knew his will for my last treatment. I was sure He wanted me to get my chemo next week because of these last obstacles. One more little miracle and gift of love. He is with me and monitoring me every step of the way. I feel really silly for having been so upset. Hand your daily troubles to HIM! He will take them and make you strong and relaxed so you can live for Him and Him alone - no worries! He talks to me through these little trials.

Now on the the next phase - radiation and follow-up testing.

Tomorrow is my last treatment... maybe, maybe not...

I need a vacation! I have had so many doctor's appointments, and have so many planned, I can't keep up. Last week I had my CT scans and a brain MRI. Everything is clear! Yeah, I didn't expect anything else. They did note some other colon issues which I knew about, but evidently it got worse since the last scan. So now I have a small bowel series, and a colonoscopy scheduled with a GI specialist. The scan also noted a protrusion in my pulminary artery, so I need to see a pulminary specialist. I need to see my primary physician first so she can refer me to the other specialists. Can you understand any of this, because I'm totally confused and not sure which doctor to see next! This is all in addition to radiation and chemo.

I have my treatment scheduled for tomorrow morning. I should say it is scheduled, but it may not happen. Today, I had my doctor visit where they take blood and check you out to make sure you can get the chemo. Well, Dr. Mills said that my blood counts are not good, and if I were scheduled for today she would send me home until next week. I will go in tomorrow before my treatment and they will do another blood test. I will be praying for some miracle that my blood levels raise over night. I hope you will be praying, too. I was stunned! I thought I was feeling pretty good. I guess I am just getting used to being tired all the time. I have been working out, and John has been juicing for me everyday. I drink a veggie/fruit concoction that John comes up with that contains tomatoes, cabbage, melon, grapes, apples and whatever else he can get in there. My body is just tired of getting these drugs!

I am scheduled to start radiation the week of August 26th. I will also be taking Tamoxafin. I'm not thrilled about the drugs. I do not want to take any long-term drugs. She says I will be on it for 2 years, and then switch to something else. Not thrilled with that!

Okay, here goes, more bad news. Everytime someone asks me if anyone in my family had breast cancer, I say no, well I can't say that anymore. My aunt Diane, whom you all know if you read my blog and comments, was just diagnosed today with Non-Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (DCIS). Non-invasive means it hasn't spread and is contained in a duct. It is a non-life threatening type of cancer which is very good. It is, however a type of cancer that may (or may not) be a precurser to an invasive cancer, so they can treat it the same as invasive cancer. Be praying for Diane. It is still early in the prognosis, she still needs surgery, and then I guess treatment options can be discussed from there. I think she is still in shock and doesn't know how to react. ** Hang in there Diane! It's okay to be upset or scared and cry, but know that everything is going to be alright, and you have a lot of people supporting you!! All our prayers are going up for you!! **

I can't believe I'm coming to the end of my treatment as Diane is just starting.

Keeping my eyes where they should be...

Busy week planned. Monday are the kids dental appointments, Tuesday is a birthday party, and Lindsey, my niece, comes in to spend two weeks with us, Wednesday CT scans and MRI, Thursday two different doctor appointments (for me), and Friday so far nothing. The days are filling up quickly. I also need to get my eyes checked and get my radiology simulation appointment, and get my colonoscopy. By the time I get done with all this medical treatment, there won't be one square inch of me that hasn't been poked, proded, looked at or medicated in some way. I am so sick of all these doctor's appointments.

I must admit that after my last treatment, I was back to feeling sorry for myself again. I'm feeling like "why me" again. I know it is just the chemo talkin' and can almost set my clock by it. But now I feel energized. I feel indestructable and purposeful and hopeful. This morning I got a kick in the spiritual behind. I realize I have been seeking healing from the world, from doctors. It's easy to do when you are just living from one appointment to another. I'm so sick of hearing about another cancer diagnosis and the hurt and destruction it can do to a family. We are all looking to the medical community to heal us, and I guess got sucked in as well. I need to keep my eyes fixed on God. Modern medicine is good, but God is infinate. I can't let my eyes waiver. I sat in church this morning and jotted a few things down - Apart from God, we can do nothing; I need the Word everyday - spiritual food. Even when we spend a short amount of time away from Him, the devil uses that time to sneak in. Letting in doubt, pity, weakness, hopelessness. I know healing comes from God. I won't let the doubt come in, my healing is in God's hands, I have no control. I ordered myself some Joel Osteen CD's to listen to in the car. He's a great preacher that I love to listen to. Keep your eyes on Him! That's what I need to remember. I let too much of the world in, I need to let more of the WORD in!

Getting Closer - 7 of 8 Behind Me!!

I made it though another round of chemo. One more to go. Mom and Grandma came with me. All went well. My next round is in two weeks. I'm upset about my last appointment though. I usually see the doctor first then go upstairs to the chemo room for my treatment. They bumped my chemo to the next day, so I will see the doctor on Tuesday, then go home and come back the next day to get my treatment. I was so upset! I made this appointment over a month ago so I could get the time I wanted. Now they bump me. They just don't want to see me go I guess.

I am supposed to go in now and get another CT scan of chest and abdomin and get an MRI of my brain. I had a migrain last week with blurred vision, so my oncologist suggested the MRI. I'm sure it will all come out clean. The CT scans are just follow-up. I'm not worried, just a precaution, I guess. I'll keep you posted.

For those of you who haven't already, you have to go to Jessicakaylor.blogspot.com and check out her picture. She looks fantastic. For those of you who don't know her, she is my friend Janette Yetter's neice who was diagnosed with breast cancer about the same time as I. Check out her blog site and you will be as uplifted as I am. Reading her blog has been an inspiration to me since we are going though this at the same time.

Keep praying for a cure for cancer. The prayer list is getting longer. Another relative diagnosed with cancer in Minnesota. Put Rosemary Wirth on your prayer list. She was just diagnosed with metastatic melanoma. She has a 10-15% chance of survival. Pray she will be in the 10-15%!!

Weekend Update

Last Thursday, I checked out the radiologists. What a busy day driving around from one appointment to the next. I think I will continue to go to Sloan-Kettering for radiation. It is a lot of driving everyday, but I am comfortable with the care there and the radiologists. I will have 34 treatments every day and I guess I will start after Labor Day. That will be my new part-time job for about 6 weeks.

I have my next treatment on Tuesday. My mom and grandmother will go with me again. After Tuesday only one more. Thank the Lord! Thank you all for praying for me and with me to get me through this far.

This weekend we went to Mystic, CT (ever heard of the movie "Mystic Pizza"?). It was beautiful. Sunday we stumbled upon an antique boat show on the Mystic River in downtown Mystic. It was so neat, it was a parade of beautiful boats/ships/sail boats/ocean vessels. It was very impressive. (Gene Yetter - you would have loved it! Plan to go next year in July!) It was a fun weekend, however we ended up in traffic getting there and going home. What should have been a 3 hour ride ended up being at least an hour or 2 more each direction.

Had a great weekend - hope you did too. Not looking forward to Tuesday but that means only one more left. Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France again! Awesome! After I'm done with this, I need to work on winning some Tour de-something. I will be pumped and ready to go!!

Family History

Back to normal again. I feel great, except it is so hot and humid here in NY. It feels like south Florida. My mom and grandmother and I just hung out today. We were on the computer reading e-mails from Lars, a cousin in Sweden and Diane, my sweet aunt from Omaha. We also read another blog site of a relative who has cancer, too. It is amazing how many people have to go through this. Joannie, a cousin from Minnesota, has ovarian cancer, and Jim, her husband has prostate cancer. We spent a good part of the day reading their blog site and getting caught up on Joannie's fight. I almost couldn't read it. It is so close to home for me and I am so sorry that she and her husband have to go through this, too. We all need to pray for a cure for this horrible disease.

Lars' email got us looking at the Ellis Island website, and it was great talking to my grandmother about family history from Sweden and understanding where we came from and how we got here. Our family members came over here with $20 in thier pockets. My great grandmother came over with her sister Marie, and 3 small children through Ellis Island. Marie is Joannie's grandmother, so we have the same family history. We are cousins down the line. Life is precious. Live it everyday. Our journey is important, no matter how long or how short it is. God has a plan for each of our lives. Trust in Him. And continue to praise His name!!!

One more down, 2 to go!!!

I haven't had a chance to sit down and post anything lately. I had a treatment on Tuesday, last week. My mom and grandmother came with me. My mother has been so worried I thought it would be good to go with her so she can see for herself what goes on. Not a place you ever think you want to take your mom. Sitting in the chemo room we just never imagined we would be sitting there together.

It went fine. I had my mom drive down there so she could get used to driving my Expedition and find her way back home. She ran into the wall of my driveway backing out of the garage. OPPS! No damage, just kind of funny. I slept most of the time getting the treatment while my mom and grandma went to the cafeteria for lunch and walked around. My mom said they checked up on me, but I was still sawing logs. It went smoothly and I got a nice nap. The treatment lasted from about 11:00am-4:00pm. We were home by 5:00 - I drove home.

On Wednesday, I felt so good I worked out in the morning! I even felt fine most of the day on Thursday. Thursday evening is when the leg pain started. It's so weird how that happens. I'm fine, then it hurts to walk. I took it easy most of this weekend. Saturday was our neighborhood block party. I spent most of the day sleeping then ended up at the party. I was hurting Saturday night. I need to take it easy. I did a lot of standing. That's the worst of it though! Not bad. This is so much better than the A/C part of my treatment. This Taxol is "cake" compared to that. I'm sure Monday morning will be even better. My next treatment is Tuesday, July 26th. It's coming fast.

Physically I'm doing fine. Emotionally, I'm making my way through. I am so happy to wake up everyday and take care of my family and just be with my children and husband and mom and grandmother. I can't wait to finish this treatment and radiation and not have to think about cancer every single day. What a load of garbage. Why is this a part of my life? I can't wait to put this behind me. I can't wait to have hair. I can't wait to feel healthy and strong again. It is coming! My dear Lord, help me endure and perservere, and win! I am strong and positive and healthy inside and out. This is only temporary. I know the Lord has sent me to be purified in the furnace and I will come out better than ever! Can I get an "AMEN"!!

Feeling Great!!

Well, my mom and grandmother are here now. My sister and her family also stayed with us this week one night. My mom and grandma will stay for 3 weeks. Yeah!! Then my niece Lindsey will come and stay for about a week. I can't wait. Then I will be over with all this. I only have 3 more treatments. My mom will be here for 2 and Lindsey will be here for one, and then I'm done. Then radiation.

I stopped by the place where I will probably do radiation just to ask some questions. They said I will probably have 28 - 34 treatments. That's every day, Monday thru Friday. My oncologist said it's a law of Physics that they don't have to radiate over the weekend.

I'm feeling great these days. I feel almost back to normal. They weren't kiddin when they said this drug wasn't as bad. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been doing laundry, driving the kids all over, making dinner, cleaning the house, I feel great! I love "normal" life. I am so blessed. I say that over and over, but it is true. I pray that the worst is over.

I know that it is because of your prayers that I feel so good. Thanks a million!!

Happy 4th of July!!

I am trying to figure out how to post pictures. I hope you like the pictures of my babies! They were taken exactly one month ago at Susannah and Sophia's dance recital. I was really out of it since it was 2 days after a treatment. I'm just glad I made it at all. For all of you in other states who haven't seen me - how do you like the new "doo"?

This last treatment was different. I am feeling alot of pain going down my legs and in my feet. Kind of like electric shock. I'm walking and my legs can sort of buckle up. This drug I am taking now involves a lot of nerve side effects - tingling in the hands and feet and bone pain. I am feeling better than the last drug, just different. I'm not sick to my stomach, though, which is nice. We'll see how this progresses. I'm hoping it gets better. Last time I was out for at least 5 days after a treatment. It's now been 4 days, and I am feeling better today, just the leg and lower back pain. I can take Tylenol for that. Yesterday I did not go out much at all and took a nap part of the day. I really needed that. Today we went out the entire day at Mona's house for a pool party/BBQ. I'm fine in a chair, although right now I'm a bit tired.

The 4th we have no plans. It will be nice to hang out with my family and do nothing. Hope everyone has a fantastic 4th of July. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!! I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!! GOD BLESS THE USA!!

Alex is one handsome boy! 

Sophia, the superstar, with Amy and Alex! 

My beautiful Susannah at her dance recital. 

5 Down, 3 To Go

I did it!! I got my first Taxol round. I was there from 10:45 until 5:30. Anne Marie went with me and we had a nice time in the chemo room until I was knocked out with the Benedryl. We watched "Hitch" and I slept half way through. It's now 2 days after and I'm not feeling quite so sick. This isn't as bad as the previous 4 rounds. Everything is going fine.

Pastor - I read your posting and you reminded me to take my antibiotics! Thanks. I am so humbled by the fact that you pray for me at such historical Christian sites in Bethlehem, places where Christ himself walked. It is a reminder to me that Christ has healed me through His wounds, and I have nothing to fear. Have a safe trip!!

That fear has a way of sneaking in, though. Just talking to people around me in the chemo room makes me fearful. One lady about my age was there getting her chemo, we struck up a conversation and she's doing chemo for the second time. The first time was four years ago for breast cancer and now it's metasticized. I know there are so many more good stories and victories, and that's what I need to see.

I am also feeling guilty. I don't know why. I guess I feel like I'm coming up short for my husband and children. When you get married you vow to love each other in sickness and health, but I guess I thought I would be doing the caretaking. It's hard to be the one that needs to be cared for. Did I mention that one of the side-effects of these drugs is moodiness? Yeah, I guess I'm feeling a little of that now.

I am doing fine, though. Thanks again to all who keep me in their prayers. Only 3 more rounds and then radiation. I will be glad to put this behind me and look forward to running a marathon, or climbing a mountain, or just being a mom and wife again.

Here is a card I loved that my friend Kristin sent me, I had to share it with you:
A Coping Poem
"Into each life some rain must fall," Some brilliant person said.
Too bad that person's not here now-- I'd hit him on the head!
It isn't very comforting to know that life is hard,
But I want to let you know I care --
That's why I bought you this card.

I love that. It came in the mail and made me smile just when I needed it. Everything makes me cry, too. I was reading one of the drug card fact sheets and a side effect is mood changes. The card came on one of my weepy days, so a smile was just what I needed. Thanks Kristin.

Last week I was overly tired. It was hard to get moving. I wasn't going to do anything on my birthday because John was working, but Elizbeth came over and said "We're taking you out, and we already have the babysitter covered." How could I resist. Elizabeth, Carol, Janette, Marta, Susan, Lynn, and Christine took me out to dinner. It was so nice to sit on the lake and hang out with the girls. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ladies!! Janette, you are next!!! (We missed you Kristin.) We definately need to do that more often.

John's birthday present for me was supposed to be a convertible for the summer, but the deal didn't happen, so he got me a portable DVD so I can watch movies during my treatments. That will really come in handy now that my treatments are going to be about 4 hours long now.

I have really been tired and I have another sore throat. I went in on Friday so they could get a throat culture and a blood sample. Turns out my red blood count is low (not the white) and I am going to get another shot for that so it doesn't fall below a certain level. The nurse said if it gets real low I would need a blood transfusion. I'll take the shot!! At least I now know why I've been so overly tired. It also turns out that I have another bacterial infection called H-flu. I am on more antibiotics. I must pick up every bug that floats by my face. My kids are all healthy and no one I know of has been sick. There's always something!!!

Tomorrow is my next treatment. It will be number 5 of 8. I start a new drug called Taxol. Taxol takes about 3 hours, but before I get an IV of Benedryl to help eliminate any allergic reations. Tonight and tomorrow morning I take a steriod. The doctor keeps saying that this is not as bad as the previous drugs. I hope so. I've spoken to other people and they say the worst part was numbness in the fingers and toes. Oh goody. Sounds great.

My sister-in-law, Anne Marie is going with me. We'll watch movies and have lunch and be home by 4:00. Anne Marie's 4 kids and my 3 will all be at my house with my mother-in-law for the day, so be praying for her!

Sue Citerella, a friend from St. John's Playgroup, sent around a letter, so now I have people from St. John's bringing dinner for me. We live in such a great community. Everyone pulls together to help. The dinner's really help, especially because I'm so tired. I'm wiped out by the end of the day. Even shopping wipes me out. I think dinner is covered for this week of my treatment. Thank you everyone!!! I'm lucky I get to see first hand how great people are.

I'll keep you posted on this next treatment. I'm not sure what to expect yet. I'll let you know!!

Good Morning!!

I'm feeling well today, finally. I plan to just be outside today and play with the kids. There's nothing else I would want to do today. I'm going to take it easy and love my babies. Alex and Sophia are home today and Susannah has school. I can't believe she is still in school- that's enough already! I always remember as a kid in Nebraska being out of school way before my birthday. My birthday is Wednesday and Susannah isn't out until Friday! John has something planned for my birthday. Every once in a while I catch him giggling. He's so bad a surprises. He can hardly keep it in. I'll keep you posted...

Off to the ER - False Alarm

I am now approaching the worst days of the chemo cycle. I am sick and tired and burnt out. I feel like all the joy has been yanked from underneth me. I know it will get better. I just read my previous blog and just reading those words outloud gives me strenth.

I so looked forward to the spring this year because we had such a long winter. I never thought it would mean the worst spring of my life. Maybe this will teach me to enjoy all the seasons of my life a little more.

I had my treatment on Tuesday and then on Wednesday I go in for a shot of Neulasta to boost up my white blood count. The nurse asked me "So how are you feeling?" I said fine, I just felt like I had some heart palpations earlier, but I went out for a walk and got fresh air and felt fine. - Big mistake. She felt she should mention it to the doctor and of course the doctor thought I should get checked out. So off I went to the emergency room for an EKG. I thought, that's not so bad I'll be in and out - wrong. They want to do every check they can think of, all the while I say I'm doing fine. I didn't get out of there until about 9:00pm and I got there at 5:00pm. Poor Brian Prazenka our friend and babysitter was stuck with the kids until John got home. Thank you Brian!!! I don't know what I'd do without you! I can't help worry about the kids while I'm being poked and prodded. It all turned out as expected, they could not find anything wrong except a high white blood count due to the Neulasta.

So now today, I'm just trying to get over this last round of chemo, and hoping the next won't be so bad. Thanks to all for praying. Your comments mean the world to me. Your strength gives me strength. - The door bell just rang - Food from Sue Prezanka delivered by the Stefuneks. Of course more tears for me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! I just can't help and look around me and see the great community we are all apart of. You guys are the greatest. From New York to Nebraska to Texas to Minnesota to Missouri and all the way to Sweden and Jordan, I know you are all there for me! It's amazing!!

Prayer request: "Are any among you sick? They should call for the elders of the church and have them pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord. And their prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make them well" (James 5:14-15)

Well, today I go in for #4. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, although I am happy to be half way done. Today is also the last dose of these particular kind of drugs. The doctor keeps telling me that this is the worst part. I hope it does get easier. I'm still in shock and can't beleive I have to do this at all. I'm just sick to my stomach thinking about it. At this point in the treatment, I think it's harder on my spirit.

The following is the medicine I need to get through the day. You can help me, too, by praying these things for me:

"If you do these things, your salvation will come like the dawn. Yes, your healing will come quickly. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind" (Isaiah 58:8)

"'I will give you back your health and heal your wounds,' says the Lord" (Psalm 30:2)

"Praise the Lord I tell myself, and never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases" (Psalm 103:2-3)

"He personally carried away our sins in his own body on the cross so we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. You have been healed by his wounds" (1Peter 2:24)

I need to be reminded of these things each day. Sometimes I have a little pity party and think "Why me?" but I forget that I am already healed. I know the Lord has great things in store for me. I believe His promises for me. Every once in a while the self pity sneaks in.

Those are the words I will take with me to Sloan Kettering today. I have been healed by His wounds!

I have a few minutes, so I'll blog at you! You should know the drill by now. I'm feeling great! My last treatment knocked me out and now I'm on the upswing. (It was last week). What a busy week! I made it through. Now I'm looking forward to just planting my flowers under a floppy hat with lots of sunscreen!

I think the hair thing is already getting old. It is hot and I feel so weird wearing it. I think the hair is only for airconditioning. We went on Sunday to get annuals at the nursery, and immediately after getting in the car I whipped off the hair and replaced it with a ball cap. Then we saw Mike and Mary in the car and I whipped off the ball cap and I threw on the wig (hopefully no one saw the exchange - now that would be funny). I can't seem to make up my mind. You just may see me walking around like GI Jane - Dash-It-All!!

Now, I am losing my sense of taste. Everything tastes strange and I'm a little nauseous. I know every mother can relate. It's alot like pregnancy, only this is just for four months, and not the weight gain, so I guess I should be thankful(?). I just can't figure out now why last years summer clothes fit so snug. I just can't win.

Life goes on...chemo or not!

Well, I made it through another one on Tuesday. I'm just tired. My energy is zapped. I did find out that I did have a bacteria last time and that is why I got so sick. I had homopholous influenza, whatever that is. All I know is that I was sick and had a terrible sore throat. Now I'm taking antibiotics for it. I'm much better now. I guess I'm getting into the swing of this. I just make plans for when I'm feeling good, however that doesn't always work. Tuesday was Susannah and Sophia's dress rehersal for dance, Wednesday was Susannah's school play, tonight is their recital, this weekend is the Relay for Life and Sunday is the Sunday school breakfast (I taught Susannah's first grade Sunday school class this year along with my partner in crime Elizabeth Bauerlein).

This weekend is the Relay for Life that benefits the American Cancer Socitey. It is here in Mahopac at the high school and it is an all night relay to raise money. I will try to be there. I ordered several copies of the book that gives me inspiration, and I've mentioned it before, "Grace for Each Hour" by Mary J. Nelson. I think it's a great outreach for our church, and for me. The book gives inspiration and solid scripture to help you heal. I doesn't concern itself with the medical side, and that's refreshing. I don't know how I would make it through this without a church family helping me along, so now I want to reach out to others and offer a warm embrace and a welcome heart or just words of encouragement.

I am on my church council and selected to be on the outreach/evangelism committee. At first I didn't have a clear vision. I think my vision is coming piece by piece. I just need an actual committee. Maybe some of my fellow members of Grace can join me in this endeavor. E-mail me if interested (aymie@aol.com). More info coming soon in "Grace Notes".

Sunday is the Sunday school breakfast! See you there!

Memorial Day

We had a great weekend! Lots of BBQ, time with the kids, John and I got to go away for a night without the kids, and now tomorrow I have another round of chemo. I am slowly getting over my cold, but still have a sore throat and cough. I was hoping to be over it before this treatment. We'll see how it goes.

This will be number 3 of 8 treatments. We're getting there! It's so hard fitting everything in before the next round. I feel like I have to get everything done before I can't do anything again. This time my "Well" time was cut short by this cold. This will be a busy week ahead. Tomorrow is my treatment and Susannah and Sophia's dress rehersal for their dance recital. Wednesday is Susannah's school play, and Thursday is the dance recital. Wednesday and Friday are doctor's appointments. Saturday and Sunday is the Relay for Life. I have a lot to do, and probably not much energy to do it. We'll see how I do. I hope tomorrow goes well. I can't wait to get another one out of the way!

Amy and Aunt Julie

I Live in a Zoo

Yesterday I went to the Bronx Zoo with Susannah's first grade class. What a day! At first I wasn't sure if I should go because I've been fighting off a cold and sore throat. I'm supposed to call if my temperature gets up to 100.5 and it was about 99.7. I didn't want to disappoint Susannah and I felt fine, so I went. We had a great day at the zoo! We had so much fun and I'm so glad I went. It's always good to see all my friends and the other mothers. Great Day!!

When we got home I was exhausted to say the least. I made dinner for Susannah and Alex and Sophia came home via Uncle Mike from their Grandma's house. After dinner I sent the kids to their playroom so I could lie down for 30 minutes. I could not get up. I literally was unable to get off the couch. John was working late, so the kids were running FREE! They had a ball! All I could hear was laughing and screaming. My throat hurt so much I could barely talk, let alone yell at them. I sent them upstairs to get their PJ's on and asked Susannah to help Alex and Sophia. They did go upstairs, but filled up the bathtub and gave themselves a bath. Auntie Mary came to the rescue!!! Mary came over, went upstairs and got them dried off and ready for bed. They thought it was so special to have her tuck them in. (FYI- today I discovered Alex and Sophia also cut each other's hair!)

That was the first time I felt truely helpless. I felt as if I can't even take care of my kids. I can't thank Mary enough for everything. It's hard to accept that you can't do everything, especially when you are young and active. But the morning always comes. The sun will shine again. This is only temporary. Wow, the sun just came outside after a week of cloudy skies - how perfect!
Psalm 30:5 For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night, But Joy comes in the morning.

In Memory of My Dear Aunt Freda!!!

Good morning! Well, "Good middle of the night!" It's one of those sleepless nights - a million thoughts zooming around and where else shall I vocalize them but to you all! I am getting back to normal again after my last treatment. It seems that I feel wiped out for a week after, and then I pick myself up again for the next week, just in time to get another treatment. Wednesday is one week after, so I'm doing great. I felt a little tired today, (yesterday?), but found time to rest.

This last treatment was true to it's reputation - hair is falling all over. I've been trying to get the kids ready for this because that's what they will really see every day, and I don't want them feeling scared or anything. They are fine with it. I've been trying to get my hair hats (wigs) lined up and ready to go. I brought one home today that I work out in that's just kind of fun. I wear it with a hat. When Alex (my baby, age 3) saw it his whole face lit up and he said, "It's back, your long hair!" He was so excited. He misses my long hair. I got it cut short last fall. He's happy now. The kids have been great. We all wear our hats around the house, and the girls look really cute in hats.

We went out for dinner tonight and sat in the middle round table of a small restraunt full of people (Gino's in Mahopac). I wore my new long hair with a hat. I was feeling a little apprehensive being my first outing with new hair. After dinner the kids were restless (kids can only sit so long) and Alex and Sophia were both on me. Sophia loves hair. Sophia was stroking my hair, and I'm afraid she'll yank it off, and Alex is saying, loudly, "Mommy, is that your wig?! Mommy is that your wig?! " He didn't understand "Be quiet", and wouldn't let up until he got an answer. I'm just trying to quiet him down, but he needed to know, and now I guess so did everyone else in the restraunt.

So don't be surprized if you see me walking around with a blonde wig hanging half on my head or over my eyes. It's just my children's enthusiasm and part of being a mom on chemo. I like to call it my "Aunt Freda hair" in honor of my great aunt Freda!!

The Peace that Passes Understanding

Prayer request: Phil 4:6 Don't fret about anything but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your request to God. And God's peace, which trenscends all understanding will guard your heart and mind.

Everyone always asks me how I am doing and I usually say, "I'm doing great!" or"Just a little tired, but so far, so good!" As long as I can get a nap in, I'm doing just fine. A few people have commented about how strong I am, or how positive I am, or that something has to be wrong, or I'm just trying to put on a strong facade. If you think I'm strong, I can take none of the credit. My Lord has been carrying me the whole time! My aunt Julie (my age), from Minnesota sent me a book that I just love! It was written by someone from her church who also fought breast cancer. The book is called GRACE FOR EACH HOUR, by Mary J. Nelson. Here is an excerpt from her book that I wish I would have written myself - it is so perfect.

"As I opened my eyes in the recovery room, I could barely make out the face of the surgeon who had removed the cancerous lump from my breast. She tenderly reported the bad news. They found cancer in two lymph nodes under my arm. This unforeseen setback would add five months of chemotherapy to the six weeks of radiation treatments I had opted for instead of total removal of the breast.

This was not the news we wanted to hear, not the news we'd hoped and prayed for. But I went into surgery lifted by the prayers of an army of the faithful and righteous. Family and friends, prayer ministers from my church community, and people I'd never even met all covered me with prayer. They sent prayers in cards and letters. They e-mailed prayer. They called me and prayed with me over the phone. I was so lifted by prayer and filled with the Holy Spirit that with the bad news that day came and indescribable calmness... a peace far more wonderful than my human mind could understand (Philippians 4:6-7). Their prayers continued throughout my entire treatment. When my doctors, friends, and family commented on my "positive attitude," I knew it wasn't me. It was the peace and contentment of Christ showing through in answer to their prayers. It was Jesus who carried me safely through the valley in His arms and lifted me high above my physical circumstances. "

I can't do this alone. It is only with my husband, family and friends faithfully praying and lifting my name before God that I am making my way through this. Just keep in mind that I do get down, and I am tired, and I have been sick to my stomach, but life is so good! I have many blessings in my life! Maybe reality hasn't sunk in yet. Yes, it does, bit by bit, but that's where prayer helps. I need that peace that passes understanding more than ever in my life. And it has more meaning to me than ever before. I never understood that song from Bible school when I was a child "I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart!" Boy do I get it now!! It is peaceful and serenene and healing right when you need it!
Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

A Bad Hair Day

PRAYER REQUEST: Pray that I will fly right through this treatment. No complications!

On Wedesnday I have my second treatment. I feel like I'm trying to get everything done before I hit the wall. Today is a day of errands and laundry. I feel a little apprehensive. This is the one where people say you usually lose your hair. It doesn't sound that bad until you actually are faced with it. I'm not sure how I will be.

Janette Yetter will go with me tomorrow. We'll have a little party in the chemo room, try to liven things up. There's nothing fun about chemo. Maybe we can find something so it's not so bad.

Yesterday I heard that eating a low fat diet has been proven to help reduce the likelyhood of a relapse of breast cancer. I guess what comes around, goes around. I always used to eat low-fat until I got married. Then something happened. Now I guess I'll get back to that.

I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow. I will try to put out an update when I get back. Thanks Diane and Grandma for the "Do Rag" - love it!!! Thanks Sue C. for the soup - Looks great!

Life As Normal

What a great weekend. I've been telling everyone that I must be in denial because everytime someone asks me how I am I say, "Great!!!" So far so good. I can't believe I'm going through chemo. Life goes on as normal.

I worked out last week and it felt great! I'm hoping to continue my workouts throughout this summer. I think it helps with the stress and fatigue. After my workout, Alex and Sophia and I went up the the Cafe at the gym. Alex and Sophia took up with another 4 and 5 year old brother/sister combo eating lunch with their "Nana". It was like a little party. The kids were all talking and eating and the big sister said to her brother, "You can't do that! You're sick. " Then she told us that her brother has lukemia. He's 4 and just finished his chemo. That blew me away. He's a normal kid, running around, full of energy. His grandmother said he's been a trooper and his prognosis is very good. I have no complaints, I would take this anyday. God gives you what you can bear.

We finally got our new refrigerator. We have been living without the refrigerator for 2 weeks now. Thanks to Billy and Mona, we had their old one in the garage the whole time. It's nice not to have to go to the garage for milk. One good thing, if I collapsed in the garage after my workout I could at least make myself a sandwich!

Thursday was Alex's birthday party. He had it at Kids Castle here in Mahopac. They had a great time. After the party I went to the wig salon. We still need to work out the kinks and cut it. After my next treatment, I will probably have the big unveiling and everyone can see my "new hair". I think it's pretty comical. I kind of look at it as a hat of hair. Everyone knows it's not your own hair (except probably a few people off the street). I am going to have fun with it. How many of you get to pick out your own hair? That's what I thought! Should be a fun summer of hats, wigs and scarves. I may get funky with it - you'll just have to wait and see.

Today was the Multiple Sclerosis Walk in Carmel. We walked with the kids and had a real fun day. Lots of Sayegh's in attendance. I can't believe Mona is telling me what a great attitude I have. You are amazing yourself, my dear. I know you don't like the spotlight, but we were all there to show you our love and support!

Saturday night we went out to dinner with the Yetter's and Stefunek's. What a great time. It is so nice to feel normal and to have a good dinner with good friends.

I am basking in the "normalness" of everyday life. Each day is a beautiful gift from God. Friday I cleaned out the garage. I love a clean garage. Thank you God!

ALEX'S BIRTHDAY

Today is my little Alex's 3rd Birthday. Poor baby has alergies so bad, he looks like Rocky Balboa. Birthday pictures should be cute! We are having a party tomorrow at Kids Castle. He wants a dinasour party! He has been talking about Kids Castle for months! He's very excitied! Hope to see you all there!!!

I'LL BE GLAD IN IT!!

During the diagnosis stage, waiting for the next test was excruciating. All I could think of was, "I'm going to die, my kids won't have a mother, I wonder if John will get re-married." (Of course, that sounds silly now.) Then I realized that God has a plan for me and that He actually answered my prayers through my agony.

I'm sure most mother's at some point say something through clenched teeth like, "Lord, please let me appreciate my children." Or maybe you're like me and say, "Lord, please give me my sanity so I can appreciate them more." I also had the neglected housewife syndrome (however real or imaginary) and said, "Please let my husband appreciate me and what I do." Usually I just say that directly to John, it usually goes over pretty well, (ha, ha). It's amazing how your outlook can change when going through a trial like this. My kids suddenly were absolutley true joy, my husband was my knight in shining armor.

And I said to God, "Thank you for this trial in my life. If I didn't go through this scare, I wouldn't have this appreciation in my life. Okay, God, I get it. Now I've learned my lesson, now the results will come back and be negative and I can get on with my life having learned my lesson."

"Sorry, it's invasive lobular carcinoma".

"Okay, God, but it's not in the lymph nodes. I've learned my lesson. This trial has brought me closer to You, my husband, family, friends. I can have surgery, radiation and be a "survivor.

"Sorry, you have it in one of the lymph nodes. You should do chemo."

It just seemed that I was shot down every step of the way. Throw all that you know out the window. I have no control. So here I am. Waiting for my hair to fall out. And you know what? I'LL BE GLAD IN IT!!!! God is working fantastic feats in my life everyday and I am BLESSED!!!

I was watching Saturday morning TV with my kids this past Saturday on TBN (Trinity Broadcast Network). Alot of those morning cartoons are too violent or scarey for my taste so I try to put it on Christian TV for the kids whenever it is on (of course they want to watch Power Rangers and Rugrats). Between all the screaming and jumping and fighting I actually got to watch some of the show. (Obviously, they didn't. ) The lesson was "I'll be glad in it". These days, I feel everything is taylor made for me. I'LL BE GLAD IN IT!!

Happy Mother's Day, Everyone!

Three years ago, I was in the hospital for Mother's Day. I had just had my little Alex on Saturday, and I was going home on Sunday, Mother's Day. What a special blessing. I had a special day this year just getting spoiled by my family. Susannah, Sophia, and Alex all had homemade projects they made from school and cute little cards. After church, John just let me lay on the couch all day and I watched the Food Network and talked on the phone to family members. Later we went to my mother-in-laws house for a BBQ. I am still tired, but I feel pretty good considering.

So far, so good. Keep up your prayers! Say a little prayer for my friend Jessica. She spent Mother's day in the hospital away from her 3 girls.

Only 7 More Left

Today I completed one of the 8 chemo treatments. Yeah! Not so bad. I definately feel like I had a few glasses of wine, but so far so good. I'm a bit drugged up so I don't know if any of this makes sense.

John went with me while my mother-in-law stayed with the kids. John had to close his office today, so I felt bad. He said he didn't think twice about it and he wouldn't be anywhere else. He doesn't close his office for anything. He's a great husband. ...In sickness and in health all the way. We had a great day together. It's rare that we get much together time with no kids, we had a nice time. We laughed all day. We played cards, and read magazines. The nurse was fantastic. Her name was Sanaa, she did a great job and made me feel so comfortable.

I started the morning singing "Oh Crappy Day" ("Oh Happy Day"), with my admiting nurse and dancing down the hall with her. It was funny, I guess you just had to be there. No one wants to go through chemo, so it feels good to laugh. All you can do is smile and thank the Lord for all the little blessings in your life - especially laughter.

My friend Christine took the girls for a playdate, Carol & John Stefunek made dinner tonight (Thanks, Carol), and I guess I won't have to cook the rest of this week. I have many blessings in my life.

I'm going to sleep now, I'll check in so keep checking the web site for updates! I Love You ALL!

Big Day

On Wednesday I begin chemo at Sloan Kettering at Phelps Memorial Hospital. What a decision. How do you know if you made the right one? Leave it in God's hands. I decided to go at this cancer with both barrels firing so I will begin dose dense chemo for 16 weeks. That means I will get chemo every 2 weeks instead of every 3. That also means more toxicity. I'm not sure what to expect right now.

The treatment should last for 2 hours. The chemo room doesn't have a TV or music or anything, so John said he would buy me a portable DVD player to pass the time. I'm not sure if that's for me or him since he will be going with me. I guess we'll finally have time to catch up on all those movies we missed when they came to the theaters.

Thanks to everyone again. There are so many good people in this world. I am convinced. Only the bad people get the press, but it is you good folks out there that make all the difference. Thanks a million times for all your support. I'm sure I will be saying that a lot. You all mean so much to me, I can't say it enough. I'll check in to let you know how it went!!

My children are excited because I said we could go on vacation when mommy's done taking her medicine. Some beach, some where...

Hi Everyone!!

I have had so many people call, send cards, flowers and pray for me. And I know you are all concerned and wish to follow all the "latest" info. I am following the lead of another fellow blogger, Jessica Kaylor, who is also going on the same breast cancer journey I am. She and her husband set up a web site so people could follow her progress - what a great idea! Thanks for the idea. God Bless you Jessica! You are an inspiration!!

IN A NUTSHELL
About a month ago I found a small lump, and went to the OBGYN first thing that Monday morning (3/7/05). After several MRI's, ultrasounds, biosies, CT scans, bone scans, doctor visits I found out I had an invasive lobular carcinoma. I had lumpectomy surgery April 6th to remove it and 9 lymphnodes. The tumor was less than 1 cm, and only one node had 3 microscopic clusters of cells. Now, I am shopping oncologist's and determining the rest of treatment which will probably include chemo and most definately radiation and tamoxiphin. I have tentatively set up treatment at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center at Phelps Hospital. We'll see, so far I've spoken to 3 different doctors with 3 different courses of treatment. It's very frustrating.

I AM BLESSED
There are no words that can describe how it felt when the radiologist called and told me the diagnosis. I was at home with Alex (2yrs) taking a nap, and Sophia (4yrs) playing in her toy room, John was working. I had to write it down so I could remember what she told me because I think I stepped out of my body at that moment. A few moments later I had to stand on the corner and wait for Susannah (6yrs) to get off the bus. I had to try not to cry because I didn't want Susannah to know anything was wrong.

It was that day that I first told my family, and then sent an e-mail to Pastor Kennedy. My request was to please just pray. The outpouring has been incredible. You have all been a lifesaver to me. I beleive in the power of prayer, I have sunk myself into the Bible to make it through each day. I don't know how you would get through the dark days without the Light. Jesus is my light! The verses you have sent me, the prayers, books, the flowers, the help. The food. When my mom came to visit during my surgery she nor I had to cook. My church family made dinner every night. My aunt and grandmother mailed dinner (w/recipes enclosed)! My mother-in-law cooked. I can't tell you what that means to me. My poor mother did laundry almost every day she was here!! I am not the type to ask for help, nor will I admit when I need it. You all just did it. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!!

WALKING HAND IN HAND WITH JESUS
My life before it was touched by cancer was pretty great. I have a 4 foot wooden sign in my kitchen that says "Just Another Day In Paradise". I thanked God everyday for His blessings. I never thought I would be thanking Him even more even though I have cancer. I don't take anything for granted. When I found out I had breast cancer, I just fell to my knees and prayed, and I haven't stopped. He is faithful to me. I can see Him more clearly everyday in my life. He whispers in my ear, "It's going to be alright". He holds my hand at doctor's appointments and shows up unexpectly when I'm ready to break down. I can do this!! I can do this!! Thank you, God, Thank you.

WHAT'S NEXT
Now I just need to decide on a treatment and buy lots of hats. I plan to blast this cancer into oblivion, hopefully without any longterm side effects. I pray every day that the surgery got it all, and there are no more cells in my body. I believe that to be true. I do have a prescription for a cranial prosthesis. I plan to shop for one. I like what Jessica Kaylor said on her blog page that God has all the hairs on her cranial prosthesis numbered. I'm laughing through my tears. When I told my children I need to go to the hospital and get medicine so my boo boo doesn't come back, and the medicine will make my hair fall out, my oldest (6yrs old), Susannah, said she would go with me and that we need to go when I still have hair so they can make it look just the same. She's fantastic.

I started working out again. I hope to keep it up as much as possible during chemo. I just don't know what to expect. I have spent my whole life staying away from drugs, even over the counter, now I am going to take toxic combinations hoping not to do any long term damage and I'm saying, "Bring it on!" Pastors message on Easter Sunday was about life turning on a dime, Oh, how true!! The Lord works in mysterious ways! One thing I do know for sure - I have no control. I give it all up to you, Lord! I could not be in better hands! I am confident in whatever the future brings to me.