Monday, May 30, 2005

Memorial Day

We had a great weekend! Lots of BBQ, time with the kids, John and I got to go away for a night without the kids, and now tomorrow I have another round of chemo. I am slowly getting over my cold, but still have a sore throat and cough. I was hoping to be over it before this treatment. We'll see how it goes.

This will be number 3 of 8 treatments. We're getting there! It's so hard fitting everything in before the next round. I feel like I have to get everything done before I can't do anything again. This time my "Well" time was cut short by this cold. This will be a busy week ahead. Tomorrow is my treatment and Susannah and Sophia's dress rehersal for their dance recital. Wednesday is Susannah's school play, and Thursday is the dance recital. Wednesday and Friday are doctor's appointments. Saturday and Sunday is the Relay for Life. I have a lot to do, and probably not much energy to do it. We'll see how I do. I hope tomorrow goes well. I can't wait to get another one out of the way!

Friday, May 27, 2005


Amy and Aunt Julie

I Live in a Zoo

Yesterday I went to the Bronx Zoo with Susannah's first grade class. What a day! At first I wasn't sure if I should go because I've been fighting off a cold and sore throat. I'm supposed to call if my temperature gets up to 100.5 and it was about 99.7. I didn't want to disappoint Susannah and I felt fine, so I went. We had a great day at the zoo! We had so much fun and I'm so glad I went. It's always good to see all my friends and the other mothers. Great Day!!

When we got home I was exhausted to say the least. I made dinner for Susannah and Alex and Sophia came home via Uncle Mike from their Grandma's house. After dinner I sent the kids to their playroom so I could lie down for 30 minutes. I could not get up. I literally was unable to get off the couch. John was working late, so the kids were running FREE! They had a ball! All I could hear was laughing and screaming. My throat hurt so much I could barely talk, let alone yell at them. I sent them upstairs to get their PJ's on and asked Susannah to help Alex and Sophia. They did go upstairs, but filled up the bathtub and gave themselves a bath. Auntie Mary came to the rescue!!! Mary came over, went upstairs and got them dried off and ready for bed. They thought it was so special to have her tuck them in. (FYI- today I discovered Alex and Sophia also cut each other's hair!)

That was the first time I felt truely helpless. I felt as if I can't even take care of my kids. I can't thank Mary enough for everything. It's hard to accept that you can't do everything, especially when you are young and active. But the morning always comes. The sun will shine again. This is only temporary. Wow, the sun just came outside after a week of cloudy skies - how perfect!
Psalm 30:5 For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night, But Joy comes in the morning.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

In Memory of My Dear Aunt Freda!!!

Good morning! Well, "Good middle of the night!" It's one of those sleepless nights - a million thoughts zooming around and where else shall I vocalize them but to you all! I am getting back to normal again after my last treatment. It seems that I feel wiped out for a week after, and then I pick myself up again for the next week, just in time to get another treatment. Wednesday is one week after, so I'm doing great. I felt a little tired today, (yesterday?), but found time to rest.

This last treatment was true to it's reputation - hair is falling all over. I've been trying to get the kids ready for this because that's what they will really see every day, and I don't want them feeling scared or anything. They are fine with it. I've been trying to get my hair hats (wigs) lined up and ready to go. I brought one home today that I work out in that's just kind of fun. I wear it with a hat. When Alex (my baby, age 3) saw it his whole face lit up and he said, "It's back, your long hair!" He was so excited. He misses my long hair. I got it cut short last fall. He's happy now. The kids have been great. We all wear our hats around the house, and the girls look really cute in hats.

We went out for dinner tonight and sat in the middle round table of a small restraunt full of people (Gino's in Mahopac). I wore my new long hair with a hat. I was feeling a little apprehensive being my first outing with new hair. After dinner the kids were restless (kids can only sit so long) and Alex and Sophia were both on me. Sophia loves hair. Sophia was stroking my hair, and I'm afraid she'll yank it off, and Alex is saying, loudly, "Mommy, is that your wig?! Mommy is that your wig?! " He didn't understand "Be quiet", and wouldn't let up until he got an answer. I'm just trying to quiet him down, but he needed to know, and now I guess so did everyone else in the restraunt.

So don't be surprized if you see me walking around with a blonde wig hanging half on my head or over my eyes. It's just my children's enthusiasm and part of being a mom on chemo. I like to call it my "Aunt Freda hair" in honor of my great aunt Freda!!

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The Peace that Passes Understanding

Prayer request: Phil 4:6 Don't fret about anything but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your request to God. And God's peace, which trenscends all understanding will guard your heart and mind.

Everyone always asks me how I am doing and I usually say, "I'm doing great!" or"Just a little tired, but so far, so good!" As long as I can get a nap in, I'm doing just fine. A few people have commented about how strong I am, or how positive I am, or that something has to be wrong, or I'm just trying to put on a strong facade. If you think I'm strong, I can take none of the credit. My Lord has been carrying me the whole time! My aunt Julie (my age), from Minnesota sent me a book that I just love! It was written by someone from her church who also fought breast cancer. The book is called GRACE FOR EACH HOUR, by Mary J. Nelson. Here is an excerpt from her book that I wish I would have written myself - it is so perfect.

"As I opened my eyes in the recovery room, I could barely make out the face of the surgeon who had removed the cancerous lump from my breast. She tenderly reported the bad news. They found cancer in two lymph nodes under my arm. This unforeseen setback would add five months of chemotherapy to the six weeks of radiation treatments I had opted for instead of total removal of the breast.

This was not the news we wanted to hear, not the news we'd hoped and prayed for. But I went into surgery lifted by the prayers of an army of the faithful and righteous. Family and friends, prayer ministers from my church community, and people I'd never even met all covered me with prayer. They sent prayers in cards and letters. They e-mailed prayer. They called me and prayed with me over the phone. I was so lifted by prayer and filled with the Holy Spirit that with the bad news that day came and indescribable calmness... a peace far more wonderful than my human mind could understand (Philippians 4:6-7). Their prayers continued throughout my entire treatment. When my doctors, friends, and family commented on my "positive attitude," I knew it wasn't me. It was the peace and contentment of Christ showing through in answer to their prayers. It was Jesus who carried me safely through the valley in His arms and lifted me high above my physical circumstances. "

I can't do this alone. It is only with my husband, family and friends faithfully praying and lifting my name before God that I am making my way through this. Just keep in mind that I do get down, and I am tired, and I have been sick to my stomach, but life is so good! I have many blessings in my life! Maybe reality hasn't sunk in yet. Yes, it does, bit by bit, but that's where prayer helps. I need that peace that passes understanding more than ever in my life. And it has more meaning to me than ever before. I never understood that song from Bible school when I was a child "I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart! Where? Down in my heart!" Boy do I get it now!! It is peaceful and serenene and healing right when you need it!
Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

A Bad Hair Day

PRAYER REQUEST: Pray that I will fly right through this treatment. No complications!

On Wedesnday I have my second treatment. I feel like I'm trying to get everything done before I hit the wall. Today is a day of errands and laundry. I feel a little apprehensive. This is the one where people say you usually lose your hair. It doesn't sound that bad until you actually are faced with it. I'm not sure how I will be.

Janette Yetter will go with me tomorrow. We'll have a little party in the chemo room, try to liven things up. There's nothing fun about chemo. Maybe we can find something so it's not so bad.

Yesterday I heard that eating a low fat diet has been proven to help reduce the likelyhood of a relapse of breast cancer. I guess what comes around, goes around. I always used to eat low-fat until I got married. Then something happened. Now I guess I'll get back to that.

I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow. I will try to put out an update when I get back. Thanks Diane and Grandma for the "Do Rag" - love it!!! Thanks Sue C. for the soup - Looks great!

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Life As Normal

What a great weekend. I've been telling everyone that I must be in denial because everytime someone asks me how I am I say, "Great!!!" So far so good. I can't believe I'm going through chemo. Life goes on as normal.

I worked out last week and it felt great! I'm hoping to continue my workouts throughout this summer. I think it helps with the stress and fatigue. After my workout, Alex and Sophia and I went up the the Cafe at the gym. Alex and Sophia took up with another 4 and 5 year old brother/sister combo eating lunch with their "Nana". It was like a little party. The kids were all talking and eating and the big sister said to her brother, "You can't do that! You're sick. " Then she told us that her brother has lukemia. He's 4 and just finished his chemo. That blew me away. He's a normal kid, running around, full of energy. His grandmother said he's been a trooper and his prognosis is very good. I have no complaints, I would take this anyday. God gives you what you can bear.

We finally got our new refrigerator. We have been living without the refrigerator for 2 weeks now. Thanks to Billy and Mona, we had their old one in the garage the whole time. It's nice not to have to go to the garage for milk. One good thing, if I collapsed in the garage after my workout I could at least make myself a sandwich!

Thursday was Alex's birthday party. He had it at Kids Castle here in Mahopac. They had a great time. After the party I went to the wig salon. We still need to work out the kinks and cut it. After my next treatment, I will probably have the big unveiling and everyone can see my "new hair". I think it's pretty comical. I kind of look at it as a hat of hair. Everyone knows it's not your own hair (except probably a few people off the street). I am going to have fun with it. How many of you get to pick out your own hair? That's what I thought! Should be a fun summer of hats, wigs and scarves. I may get funky with it - you'll just have to wait and see.

Today was the Multiple Sclerosis Walk in Carmel. We walked with the kids and had a real fun day. Lots of Sayegh's in attendance. I can't believe Mona is telling me what a great attitude I have. You are amazing yourself, my dear. I know you don't like the spotlight, but we were all there to show you our love and support!

Saturday night we went out to dinner with the Yetter's and Stefunek's. What a great time. It is so nice to feel normal and to have a good dinner with good friends.

I am basking in the "normalness" of everyday life. Each day is a beautiful gift from God. Friday I cleaned out the garage. I love a clean garage. Thank you God!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

ALEX'S BIRTHDAY

Today is my little Alex's 3rd Birthday. Poor baby has alergies so bad, he looks like Rocky Balboa. Birthday pictures should be cute! We are having a party tomorrow at Kids Castle. He wants a dinasour party! He has been talking about Kids Castle for months! He's very excitied! Hope to see you all there!!!

I'LL BE GLAD IN IT!!

During the diagnosis stage, waiting for the next test was excruciating. All I could think of was, "I'm going to die, my kids won't have a mother, I wonder if John will get re-married." (Of course, that sounds silly now.) Then I realized that God has a plan for me and that He actually answered my prayers through my agony.

I'm sure most mother's at some point say something through clenched teeth like, "Lord, please let me appreciate my children." Or maybe you're like me and say, "Lord, please give me my sanity so I can appreciate them more." I also had the neglected housewife syndrome (however real or imaginary) and said, "Please let my husband appreciate me and what I do." Usually I just say that directly to John, it usually goes over pretty well, (ha, ha). It's amazing how your outlook can change when going through a trial like this. My kids suddenly were absolutley true joy, my husband was my knight in shining armor.

And I said to God, "Thank you for this trial in my life. If I didn't go through this scare, I wouldn't have this appreciation in my life. Okay, God, I get it. Now I've learned my lesson, now the results will come back and be negative and I can get on with my life having learned my lesson."

"Sorry, it's invasive lobular carcinoma".

"Okay, God, but it's not in the lymph nodes. I've learned my lesson. This trial has brought me closer to You, my husband, family, friends. I can have surgery, radiation and be a "survivor.

"Sorry, you have it in one of the lymph nodes. You should do chemo."

It just seemed that I was shot down every step of the way. Throw all that you know out the window. I have no control. So here I am. Waiting for my hair to fall out. And you know what? I'LL BE GLAD IN IT!!!! God is working fantastic feats in my life everyday and I am BLESSED!!!

I was watching Saturday morning TV with my kids this past Saturday on TBN (Trinity Broadcast Network). Alot of those morning cartoons are too violent or scarey for my taste so I try to put it on Christian TV for the kids whenever it is on (of course they want to watch Power Rangers and Rugrats). Between all the screaming and jumping and fighting I actually got to watch some of the show. (Obviously, they didn't. ) The lesson was "I'll be glad in it". These days, I feel everything is taylor made for me. I'LL BE GLAD IN IT!!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Happy Mother's Day, Everyone!

Three years ago, I was in the hospital for Mother's Day. I had just had my little Alex on Saturday, and I was going home on Sunday, Mother's Day. What a special blessing. I had a special day this year just getting spoiled by my family. Susannah, Sophia, and Alex all had homemade projects they made from school and cute little cards. After church, John just let me lay on the couch all day and I watched the Food Network and talked on the phone to family members. Later we went to my mother-in-laws house for a BBQ. I am still tired, but I feel pretty good considering.

So far, so good. Keep up your prayers! Say a little prayer for my friend Jessica. She spent Mother's day in the hospital away from her 3 girls.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Only 7 More Left

Today I completed one of the 8 chemo treatments. Yeah! Not so bad. I definately feel like I had a few glasses of wine, but so far so good. I'm a bit drugged up so I don't know if any of this makes sense.

John went with me while my mother-in-law stayed with the kids. John had to close his office today, so I felt bad. He said he didn't think twice about it and he wouldn't be anywhere else. He doesn't close his office for anything. He's a great husband. ...In sickness and in health all the way. We had a great day together. It's rare that we get much together time with no kids, we had a nice time. We laughed all day. We played cards, and read magazines. The nurse was fantastic. Her name was Sanaa, she did a great job and made me feel so comfortable.

I started the morning singing "Oh Crappy Day" ("Oh Happy Day"), with my admiting nurse and dancing down the hall with her. It was funny, I guess you just had to be there. No one wants to go through chemo, so it feels good to laugh. All you can do is smile and thank the Lord for all the little blessings in your life - especially laughter.

My friend Christine took the girls for a playdate, Carol & John Stefunek made dinner tonight (Thanks, Carol), and I guess I won't have to cook the rest of this week. I have many blessings in my life.

I'm going to sleep now, I'll check in so keep checking the web site for updates! I Love You ALL!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Big Day

On Wednesday I begin chemo at Sloan Kettering at Phelps Memorial Hospital. What a decision. How do you know if you made the right one? Leave it in God's hands. I decided to go at this cancer with both barrels firing so I will begin dose dense chemo for 16 weeks. That means I will get chemo every 2 weeks instead of every 3. That also means more toxicity. I'm not sure what to expect right now.

The treatment should last for 2 hours. The chemo room doesn't have a TV or music or anything, so John said he would buy me a portable DVD player to pass the time. I'm not sure if that's for me or him since he will be going with me. I guess we'll finally have time to catch up on all those movies we missed when they came to the theaters.

Thanks to everyone again. There are so many good people in this world. I am convinced. Only the bad people get the press, but it is you good folks out there that make all the difference. Thanks a million times for all your support. I'm sure I will be saying that a lot. You all mean so much to me, I can't say it enough. I'll check in to let you know how it went!!

My children are excited because I said we could go on vacation when mommy's done taking her medicine. Some beach, some where...