Chaos & Heartache & Hope

This morning was a bit of chaos. I have to get Sophia on the bus at 8:00, Susannah on the bus at 8:50 and in between I usually try to get myself ready and make the drive to my daily shot of radiation. Today was hectic, as I'm sure you all have mornings like that. I didn't have time to get myself ready, spilled a 44 oz cup of water that was sitting on the bathroom floor (don't ask me why it was there), 4 minutes later spilled my own glass and broke it all over the bathroom sink while drying Susannah's hair. I was mad at John for something, and he was mad at me for something, and it was just funny so I just laughed. It was one of those mornings, but it just means that I'm alive and blessed by a busy family, and a wonderful husband who goes to his office each morning and works for his family. - Yes, I love my husband!!

I was up last night and could not sleep. One of those nights when you think of everything, and then try to do positive affirmations to get to sleep. It's hard to sleep when all you think about is this terrible disease. I don't necessarily think of my own cancer, sometimes I do, but also other people whom I meet each day at radiation. It just takes its toll. Yesterday a lady came out of her treatment just crying. I was gowned up and waiting in the ladies lounge waiting for my name to be called. She came into the locker area and then went into the changing room. I could hear her crying in the dressing room. I was very touched. I could feel what she was feeling with her. I was afraid they would call my name and I would miss her when she came out. I felt she needed someone to talk to. She did come out and I asked her if she was okay - No. Did she come with someone - yes, my husband. She said she needed to see the doctor today, that she was in so much pain in radiation and she has to do it twice a day four hours apart. She said she just cries thinking about doing radiation again. She is also going through chemo at the same time. She has in-operable lung cancer and give her a 20% chance of being alive in ten years.

Another lady who I always saw during chemo was at the radiation suite on Friday. I struck up a conversation with her, how are you?, are you doing radiation also?, when are you done with chemo?. What a friendly person she is, bright smile, always wears a bandana, always alone. She said she will always do chemo, that it must become a part of her life. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in January. She moved here from Texas to live with her sister so she could go to Sloan Kettering. We had a nice conversation. She told me that it is hard to keep her spirits up, sometimes she gets depressed. I can certainly understand. When I left I got to my car and got my Joel Osteen cd's on Keeping Your Joy and brought them in and gave them to her. I don't know if she's a Christian, but she knew Joel Osteen and said "He's from Texas just like me." She said she would listen to them, and even the insurance person from the office she was there to see said she enjoys him, too. (FYI - Joes Osteen is a preacher from TX I like to listen to in my car on the way to radiation. I feel blessed and ready to go after I hear his message.) I need to order that CD again now. I just hope she is as blessed with the message as I was. Get it for yourself on his website at JoelOsteen.com. You won't be disappointed.

Anyway, since I don't have my CD's anymore, I took the advice of Jacque, Janette's sister (also in TX) and rocked out on my way to radiation. I even bought a Van Halen CD on my way home. Sometimes you just have to rock out! It made me think of a simpler time in my life, when who you were going to Homecoming with was your biggest concern, and that felt really good.

Cancer is not fair, it doesn't care how old you are, how much money you have, how many kids you have, what kind of support network you have, how healthy you seem to be, it is ugly and destructive and so many lives are affected by it. This weekend I am going to walk for the Support Connection. The Support Connection is located here in New York. I called them when I was diagnosed, at the suggestion of Janette Yetter. They helped me by talking to other survivors who had gone through the same diagnosis and treatment and even same doctors. The Support Conncection offers counseling, support and activities to women and families affected by breast and ovarian cancers. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just know I want to support the people who supported me.

I mention Janette Yetter so much on this blog. I need to get a picture to post. Any one have a picture of her we can post? Maybe I'll take pictures at the walk this weekend so you can meet her. She's been such a big part of this journey with me, even though we don't see each other all the time. At church a few weeks ago I saw her and just started crying, I don't even know why. This week at church she gave me a pair of socks with the pink ribbon on them. Thanks, Janette. This weekend we're both skipping church since the walk is on Sunday morning. But I'm sure we won't be far from the Lord - just a different location. If you want to support us in our walk, you can send a check to the Support Connection, (check out their address in comments on the previous post), or go to their web site which I beleive is www.Supportconnection.org. If you wish, you may mail a check to me made out to The Support Connection, and I will make sure they get it. My address is Amy Sayegh, 35 Oak Pond Lane, Mahopac, NY 10541.