Yes, I am done with radiation now. Thank the Lord! It's been one week without having to drive down there and get zapped. I actually got to drive Alex to school, talk to his teachers, talk to the other mothers. I went to the gym and worked out. There is actually life out there in the morning. I don't know what to do with myself. I think I just need to rest for a while.
I had an appointment with a pulminary specialist and he was unimpressed with my previous CT scan that suggested pulminary hypertension. I am not surprised and expected such. He said for me just to follow-up with an eco-cardiogram if I want to be certain.
I am now taking Tamoxofin and will continue to do so for 2 years. I'm supposed to take it 2 times a day. I am not used to taking anything, so this will be a real test to see if I can do it 2X a day. I already forgot once. Tamoxofin is supposed to help diminish the chances of a recurrance by blocking estrogen in the body.
I am looking to get my life back. My eyelashes are back, maybe that's my sign. I am now walking around without a wig and without a hat. It's pretty short, but it's my hair. I figure that this is as short as it will ever be.
Thank you Lord Jesus for getting me through this! Thank you friends and family! I did it. I now join the thousand of survivors who came before me. We did it!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
One more week!
I am so relieved to be in my final week of radiation. Friday I will get my last zap. Last week I finished up the radiation to the entire breast area, and this week I get radiated in just the area around where the tumor was. That is called a boost. I am red and sunburned and itchy and tired and achey all over. I didn't think radiation would be so draining. My energy is zapped and I have been sleeping as much as possible. I get tired very quickly. Could be why I haven't "blogged" in a few weeks. I can't wait to put this chapter behind me.
My aunt Diane had her surgery last week. She opted for a double mastectomy so she could rest at ease not to have to go through this again in a few years. I admire her courage. She's doing great and recovering at my mom's house. She's been one of my biggest cheerleaders and now I want to be hers! You GO Diane!! You are so strong and courageous! I am proud of you.
I went to the gym for the first time since I started radiation. It felt really strange, and my body feels weak still. I haven't felt like this ever. I've always pretty much worked out. Or when I took time off, I felt pretty good starting back, but today I actually felt sick after I worked out. I didn't even do much, just the elliptical trainer. It felt good to work out, I just felt really weak after. I have a lot of work to do and am eager to get back to doing it!
I have many doctor's appointments set up now as follow-up. MRI's, mamogram, bone density, follow-up doctor's appointments. I have a full schedule until Thanksgiving. I can tell you that this Thanksgiving I will be thankful, and that's an understatement.
John and I are going to see Joel Osteen at Madison Square Garden this Thursday. Should be great, but we are sitting in back of the stage (don't tell John-ha ha ha). Thanks Lindsey for your comment on my last post - I LOVE IT!!
My aunt Diane had her surgery last week. She opted for a double mastectomy so she could rest at ease not to have to go through this again in a few years. I admire her courage. She's doing great and recovering at my mom's house. She's been one of my biggest cheerleaders and now I want to be hers! You GO Diane!! You are so strong and courageous! I am proud of you.
I went to the gym for the first time since I started radiation. It felt really strange, and my body feels weak still. I haven't felt like this ever. I've always pretty much worked out. Or when I took time off, I felt pretty good starting back, but today I actually felt sick after I worked out. I didn't even do much, just the elliptical trainer. It felt good to work out, I just felt really weak after. I have a lot of work to do and am eager to get back to doing it!
I have many doctor's appointments set up now as follow-up. MRI's, mamogram, bone density, follow-up doctor's appointments. I have a full schedule until Thanksgiving. I can tell you that this Thanksgiving I will be thankful, and that's an understatement.
John and I are going to see Joel Osteen at Madison Square Garden this Thursday. Should be great, but we are sitting in back of the stage (don't tell John-ha ha ha). Thanks Lindsey for your comment on my last post - I LOVE IT!!
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Freckle Mix-up
FYI - I posted in a previous blog about the radiation techs dotting a freckle and not the tattoo, well the doctor assured me I am fine and it had no effect on my radiation. I am now beginning to have skin rashes from the radiation. He prescribed 2 topical creams that should help with that. He called it "Radiation Dermatitus". One more affliction to dump on the pile. It just itches like crazy! I hope the creams work.
Chaos & Heartache & Hope
This morning was a bit of chaos. I have to get Sophia on the bus at 8:00, Susannah on the bus at 8:50 and in between I usually try to get myself ready and make the drive to my daily shot of radiation. Today was hectic, as I'm sure you all have mornings like that. I didn't have time to get myself ready, spilled a 44 oz cup of water that was sitting on the bathroom floor (don't ask me why it was there), 4 minutes later spilled my own glass and broke it all over the bathroom sink while drying Susannah's hair. I was mad at John for something, and he was mad at me for something, and it was just funny so I just laughed. It was one of those mornings, but it just means that I'm alive and blessed by a busy family, and a wonderful husband who goes to his office each morning and works for his family. - Yes, I love my husband!!
I was up last night and could not sleep. One of those nights when you think of everything, and then try to do positive affirmations to get to sleep. It's hard to sleep when all you think about is this terrible disease. I don't necessarily think of my own cancer, sometimes I do, but also other people whom I meet each day at radiation. It just takes its toll. Yesterday a lady came out of her treatment just crying. I was gowned up and waiting in the ladies lounge waiting for my name to be called. She came into the locker area and then went into the changing room. I could hear her crying in the dressing room. I was very touched. I could feel what she was feeling with her. I was afraid they would call my name and I would miss her when she came out. I felt she needed someone to talk to. She did come out and I asked her if she was okay - No. Did she come with someone - yes, my husband. She said she needed to see the doctor today, that she was in so much pain in radiation and she has to do it twice a day four hours apart. She said she just cries thinking about doing radiation again. She is also going through chemo at the same time. She has in-operable lung cancer and give her a 20% chance of being alive in ten years.
Another lady who I always saw during chemo was at the radiation suite on Friday. I struck up a conversation with her, how are you?, are you doing radiation also?, when are you done with chemo?. What a friendly person she is, bright smile, always wears a bandana, always alone. She said she will always do chemo, that it must become a part of her life. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in January. She moved here from Texas to live with her sister so she could go to Sloan Kettering. We had a nice conversation. She told me that it is hard to keep her spirits up, sometimes she gets depressed. I can certainly understand. When I left I got to my car and got my Joel Osteen cd's on Keeping Your Joy and brought them in and gave them to her. I don't know if she's a Christian, but she knew Joel Osteen and said "He's from Texas just like me." She said she would listen to them, and even the insurance person from the office she was there to see said she enjoys him, too. (FYI - Joes Osteen is a preacher from TX I like to listen to in my car on the way to radiation. I feel blessed and ready to go after I hear his message.) I need to order that CD again now. I just hope she is as blessed with the message as I was. Get it for yourself on his website at JoelOsteen.com. You won't be disappointed.
Anyway, since I don't have my CD's anymore, I took the advice of Jacque, Janette's sister (also in TX) and rocked out on my way to radiation. I even bought a Van Halen CD on my way home. Sometimes you just have to rock out! It made me think of a simpler time in my life, when who you were going to Homecoming with was your biggest concern, and that felt really good.
Cancer is not fair, it doesn't care how old you are, how much money you have, how many kids you have, what kind of support network you have, how healthy you seem to be, it is ugly and destructive and so many lives are affected by it. This weekend I am going to walk for the Support Connection. The Support Connection is located here in New York. I called them when I was diagnosed, at the suggestion of Janette Yetter. They helped me by talking to other survivors who had gone through the same diagnosis and treatment and even same doctors. The Support Conncection offers counseling, support and activities to women and families affected by breast and ovarian cancers. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just know I want to support the people who supported me.
I mention Janette Yetter so much on this blog. I need to get a picture to post. Any one have a picture of her we can post? Maybe I'll take pictures at the walk this weekend so you can meet her. She's been such a big part of this journey with me, even though we don't see each other all the time. At church a few weeks ago I saw her and just started crying, I don't even know why. This week at church she gave me a pair of socks with the pink ribbon on them. Thanks, Janette. This weekend we're both skipping church since the walk is on Sunday morning. But I'm sure we won't be far from the Lord - just a different location. If you want to support us in our walk, you can send a check to the Support Connection, (check out their address in comments on the previous post), or go to their web site which I beleive is www.Supportconnection.org. If you wish, you may mail a check to me made out to The Support Connection, and I will make sure they get it. My address is Amy Sayegh, 35 Oak Pond Lane, Mahopac, NY 10541.
I was up last night and could not sleep. One of those nights when you think of everything, and then try to do positive affirmations to get to sleep. It's hard to sleep when all you think about is this terrible disease. I don't necessarily think of my own cancer, sometimes I do, but also other people whom I meet each day at radiation. It just takes its toll. Yesterday a lady came out of her treatment just crying. I was gowned up and waiting in the ladies lounge waiting for my name to be called. She came into the locker area and then went into the changing room. I could hear her crying in the dressing room. I was very touched. I could feel what she was feeling with her. I was afraid they would call my name and I would miss her when she came out. I felt she needed someone to talk to. She did come out and I asked her if she was okay - No. Did she come with someone - yes, my husband. She said she needed to see the doctor today, that she was in so much pain in radiation and she has to do it twice a day four hours apart. She said she just cries thinking about doing radiation again. She is also going through chemo at the same time. She has in-operable lung cancer and give her a 20% chance of being alive in ten years.
Another lady who I always saw during chemo was at the radiation suite on Friday. I struck up a conversation with her, how are you?, are you doing radiation also?, when are you done with chemo?. What a friendly person she is, bright smile, always wears a bandana, always alone. She said she will always do chemo, that it must become a part of her life. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in January. She moved here from Texas to live with her sister so she could go to Sloan Kettering. We had a nice conversation. She told me that it is hard to keep her spirits up, sometimes she gets depressed. I can certainly understand. When I left I got to my car and got my Joel Osteen cd's on Keeping Your Joy and brought them in and gave them to her. I don't know if she's a Christian, but she knew Joel Osteen and said "He's from Texas just like me." She said she would listen to them, and even the insurance person from the office she was there to see said she enjoys him, too. (FYI - Joes Osteen is a preacher from TX I like to listen to in my car on the way to radiation. I feel blessed and ready to go after I hear his message.) I need to order that CD again now. I just hope she is as blessed with the message as I was. Get it for yourself on his website at JoelOsteen.com. You won't be disappointed.
Anyway, since I don't have my CD's anymore, I took the advice of Jacque, Janette's sister (also in TX) and rocked out on my way to radiation. I even bought a Van Halen CD on my way home. Sometimes you just have to rock out! It made me think of a simpler time in my life, when who you were going to Homecoming with was your biggest concern, and that felt really good.
Cancer is not fair, it doesn't care how old you are, how much money you have, how many kids you have, what kind of support network you have, how healthy you seem to be, it is ugly and destructive and so many lives are affected by it. This weekend I am going to walk for the Support Connection. The Support Connection is located here in New York. I called them when I was diagnosed, at the suggestion of Janette Yetter. They helped me by talking to other survivors who had gone through the same diagnosis and treatment and even same doctors. The Support Conncection offers counseling, support and activities to women and families affected by breast and ovarian cancers. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just know I want to support the people who supported me.
I mention Janette Yetter so much on this blog. I need to get a picture to post. Any one have a picture of her we can post? Maybe I'll take pictures at the walk this weekend so you can meet her. She's been such a big part of this journey with me, even though we don't see each other all the time. At church a few weeks ago I saw her and just started crying, I don't even know why. This week at church she gave me a pair of socks with the pink ribbon on them. Thanks, Janette. This weekend we're both skipping church since the walk is on Sunday morning. But I'm sure we won't be far from the Lord - just a different location. If you want to support us in our walk, you can send a check to the Support Connection, (check out their address in comments on the previous post), or go to their web site which I beleive is www.Supportconnection.org. If you wish, you may mail a check to me made out to The Support Connection, and I will make sure they get it. My address is Amy Sayegh, 35 Oak Pond Lane, Mahopac, NY 10541.
Monday, September 19, 2005
More on Radiation...
Wow! I haven't posted a comment for a while! Rest assured I'm doing fine. I am so busy with this radiation and 3 children in 3 different schools. On top of that, I'm tired all the time. My radiation should end October 21st. So just one more month of this torture. My skin is holding up just fine. So far, so good.
I did have one "Uh Oh" moment last Thursday. When they line you up and position you on the table before they treat you they dot the tattoos they gave me to make sure they see them when aligning me up with the machine. I usually leave with five black marker dots on my skin. Before I leave, I usually try to remove the dots so I don't go walking around with dots on me. Last week when I was taking off the marker after my treatment, I noticed that they "dotted" a freckle instead of the tattoo. I brought it up to the tech immediately, and she assured me I am fine, and they lined me up properly from the other tattoos. I don't feel assured, and will ask the doctor on my next visit. Obviously, I can't do anything about it now, but I just want to know. I don't think they will be dotting any more freckles.
About radiation: it doesn't hurt, it's just like getting an x-ray. After a while your skin starts to react and brown and then burn (just like being in the sun). I get actual x-rays once a week, and visit the doctor once a week. I get the treatment every day Monday thru Friday. The longest part of the treatment is getting positioned to make sure they radiate the same spot each day, radiating as little of the heart, lungs, or ribs as possible. The actual treatment is about 4 minutes. Everyone is so nice, and I'm in and out pretty quick.
At this point in my treatment, I'm just getting tired of everything. I can't wait to get back to normal, if that's possible. My feet still bother me from the chemo (Taxol). My left foot hurts and feels like it's asleep a lot - something I guess I'll have to bring up to the oncologist. I wonder if you ever really get back to normal or if that's just in the past now. I guess maybe a new "normal". I'm spacing out my doctor's appointments now. Nothing is "life-threatening" (thank the Lord), so I can plan my appointments so I don't have an appointment every day.
FYI, I got an e-mail from the American Cancer Society and they said they are busy getting people affected by Katrina help and treatments elsewhere. That was one of the things I was concerned about, and I get an e-mail about it. If you donate to the American Cancer Society, you can see where the money goes. Check out their web-site at cancer.org, they should have more on their hurricane efforts if you are interested.
Also, I am participating in the Support Connection walk here in NY on October 2. They are the ones who I called when I was diagnosed and I spoke to a few really nice people in the same position as I. It was nice to talk to someone. They gave me lots of info and made me feel like I'm not alone. They offer lots of services to women diagnosed with breast and ovarian cancer. Let me know if you want to sponser or donate. I'm participating because they helped me.
I did have one "Uh Oh" moment last Thursday. When they line you up and position you on the table before they treat you they dot the tattoos they gave me to make sure they see them when aligning me up with the machine. I usually leave with five black marker dots on my skin. Before I leave, I usually try to remove the dots so I don't go walking around with dots on me. Last week when I was taking off the marker after my treatment, I noticed that they "dotted" a freckle instead of the tattoo. I brought it up to the tech immediately, and she assured me I am fine, and they lined me up properly from the other tattoos. I don't feel assured, and will ask the doctor on my next visit. Obviously, I can't do anything about it now, but I just want to know. I don't think they will be dotting any more freckles.
About radiation: it doesn't hurt, it's just like getting an x-ray. After a while your skin starts to react and brown and then burn (just like being in the sun). I get actual x-rays once a week, and visit the doctor once a week. I get the treatment every day Monday thru Friday. The longest part of the treatment is getting positioned to make sure they radiate the same spot each day, radiating as little of the heart, lungs, or ribs as possible. The actual treatment is about 4 minutes. Everyone is so nice, and I'm in and out pretty quick.
At this point in my treatment, I'm just getting tired of everything. I can't wait to get back to normal, if that's possible. My feet still bother me from the chemo (Taxol). My left foot hurts and feels like it's asleep a lot - something I guess I'll have to bring up to the oncologist. I wonder if you ever really get back to normal or if that's just in the past now. I guess maybe a new "normal". I'm spacing out my doctor's appointments now. Nothing is "life-threatening" (thank the Lord), so I can plan my appointments so I don't have an appointment every day.
FYI, I got an e-mail from the American Cancer Society and they said they are busy getting people affected by Katrina help and treatments elsewhere. That was one of the things I was concerned about, and I get an e-mail about it. If you donate to the American Cancer Society, you can see where the money goes. Check out their web-site at cancer.org, they should have more on their hurricane efforts if you are interested.
Also, I am participating in the Support Connection walk here in NY on October 2. They are the ones who I called when I was diagnosed and I spoke to a few really nice people in the same position as I. It was nice to talk to someone. They gave me lots of info and made me feel like I'm not alone. They offer lots of services to women diagnosed with breast and ovarian cancer. Let me know if you want to sponser or donate. I'm participating because they helped me.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Will Work For Gas Money!
My previous post stated that my commute to radiation was 15 miles each way. Correction - 25 miles each way. I am currently taking any donations to fill up my gas tank (just kidding). Last time I filled up it cost me $89.00.
I was just e-mailing a family member, who is also going through cancer treatments. He was saying how he wondered what people did who didn't have friends or family around. I have to agree. You all have no idea how much you help me. I know I say it over and over, but it's true. I wrote back that you really find out how wonderful people can be, but I wish I didn't have to go through this and still thought most people were rotten (ha ha-again, just kidding).
I haven't felt any side effects from the radiation yet except being tired. But I think I was pretty tired before, so nothing new.
I was just e-mailing a family member, who is also going through cancer treatments. He was saying how he wondered what people did who didn't have friends or family around. I have to agree. You all have no idea how much you help me. I know I say it over and over, but it's true. I wrote back that you really find out how wonderful people can be, but I wish I didn't have to go through this and still thought most people were rotten (ha ha-again, just kidding).
I haven't felt any side effects from the radiation yet except being tired. But I think I was pretty tired before, so nothing new.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Rat Race
I had my first round of radiation today. One down 32 to go! I figure I'll be done October 20th. Tomorrow will be the beginning of the rat race for me with Susannah and Sophia starting school on 2 different buses at two different times and then driving Alex to school. Alex doesn't start school until Thursday. I have Elizabeth Bauerlein babysitting in the AM for Alex so I can go get my treatment. Wednesdays will be longer since I see the doctor every Wednesday. The rat race begins - council meetings, back to school nights for two different schools, Susannah's birthday party, lia sophia (jewelry) meeting and shows, Sunday school, kids activities and sports - on top of driving 15 miles each way to radiation everyday! I'm already tired. I guess I'll have time to enjoy my Joel Osteen CD's in the car. One thing I won't forget is to "smell the roses" each day. Thank you, Lord, for all this activity! We just don't know what is in store for us each day. I just thank God that I can enjoy every day I have.
My hair is definately coming in now. My kids call me Fuzzy Wuzzy. We have fun saying that rhyme, "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he." I guess you had to be there. Say a prayer for those affected by Katrina!
My hair is definately coming in now. My kids call me Fuzzy Wuzzy. We have fun saying that rhyme, "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he." I guess you had to be there. Say a prayer for those affected by Katrina!
Friday, September 02, 2005
Vacation Pics
Are these girls right out of a postcard or what! 
I can't believe I have the guts to publish this picture. I do have hair, you just can't see it because it's baby hair!
I can't believe I have the guts to publish this picture. I do have hair, you just can't see it because it's baby hair!
Thursday, September 01, 2005
How Lucky We All Are
I am back from vacationing in Virgin Gorda, British Virgin Islands, and getting back to normal life. Lots of laundry and doctor's appointments this week. We had a fantastic time and welcomed the opportunity to do nothing but relax at the pool and beach.
This week was a follow-up visit with the oncologist, a radiology visit, and a colonoscopy - everyone should do one. All is well. I feel great and ready to move on to the next phase of my healing process. Radiology begins next Tuesday for 33 treatments. My biggest problem is timing my visits between bus schedules and pre-school. I welcome these kind of challenges.
Doesn't it just kind of shrink your problems just seeing those poor people affected by the hurricane? I just can't help thinking about the women in New Orleans or Mississippi who is going through this same process now who also has to worry about her home, family, and when and if she can continue treatments and where she goes from here. I'm sure there are lots of people who are affected by this terrible hurricane who also have other trauma's to deal with in their lives. What about the woman who is just going through her diagnosis and now all her records have been washed away. Where do you go from here? How can we help, I don't know. I guess the best thing right now is to pray for these people and send money to the Red Cross or whatever charity can help. I think we all must help, however big or small.
From what I've seen in my little micro part of the world, you are all out there already, ready to help. I have seen so much out pouring of people wanting to help, and seeing me through my crisis, I just know that we will all pull together to help those affected by Katrina. Maybe you can't see what you can do, but I can. All of us pulling together, one by one, we all make a difference. With me, every phone call, every note, every silent prayer, every smile and how are you doing, every meal delivered to my door, every e-mail, and on and on, each little act of kindness helped me through this terrible time in my life. As a nation, if we all do whatever we can, we can help our fellow Americans through this terrible disaster. I have experienced it first hand! Thank you all!!!
This week was a follow-up visit with the oncologist, a radiology visit, and a colonoscopy - everyone should do one. All is well. I feel great and ready to move on to the next phase of my healing process. Radiology begins next Tuesday for 33 treatments. My biggest problem is timing my visits between bus schedules and pre-school. I welcome these kind of challenges.
Doesn't it just kind of shrink your problems just seeing those poor people affected by the hurricane? I just can't help thinking about the women in New Orleans or Mississippi who is going through this same process now who also has to worry about her home, family, and when and if she can continue treatments and where she goes from here. I'm sure there are lots of people who are affected by this terrible hurricane who also have other trauma's to deal with in their lives. What about the woman who is just going through her diagnosis and now all her records have been washed away. Where do you go from here? How can we help, I don't know. I guess the best thing right now is to pray for these people and send money to the Red Cross or whatever charity can help. I think we all must help, however big or small.
From what I've seen in my little micro part of the world, you are all out there already, ready to help. I have seen so much out pouring of people wanting to help, and seeing me through my crisis, I just know that we will all pull together to help those affected by Katrina. Maybe you can't see what you can do, but I can. All of us pulling together, one by one, we all make a difference. With me, every phone call, every note, every silent prayer, every smile and how are you doing, every meal delivered to my door, every e-mail, and on and on, each little act of kindness helped me through this terrible time in my life. As a nation, if we all do whatever we can, we can help our fellow Americans through this terrible disaster. I have experienced it first hand! Thank you all!!!
Friday, August 19, 2005
Simulation Today
I went to Sloan-Kettering today for my radiation simulation. They basically mapped out the radiation, and how they will do it and where. They made a mold of me so I lie in the same position each time. I layed on the table and they took X-rays to see where my ribs and lungs and heart are so they radiate as little as possible. I guess I passed. They said I have very little that will be radiated except what they wanted to. I got tatooed, also. I guess that is so they know exactly where to radiate each time. I got home today and I had marker all over me! It looked like they were playing tic-tac-toe on my chest. After I got all marked up, and molded, they sent me upstairs for a CT scan to pinpoint exactly where my internal organs are so they can steer any radiation away from the area.
It felt a little overwhelming sitting on the table. One more step in this journey. The final one!! After a while you just get so sick of hospital settings, the sterol environments, the routineness of the process to the doctors and nurses. It is such a life altering experience for me, but to them, I am one of many coming through the door. I felt embarassased that I wanted to cry just lying there with the technician buzzing around, another tech measuring me, the doctor popping in and out to draw on me. I held it together. One step at a time. I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me!!!
After the simulation I had to go to the mall to pick up a few things since we are going on vacation tomorrow. My friend Janette called me on my cell. She told me that her neice, Jessica's scan results came back with no evidence of cancer in her whole body!!! She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer the same time I was diagnosed stage 2. I was shaking and crying and so happy just standing there in front of "The Children's Place" at the JV Mall. God worked a miricle in Jessica. I am so very happy for her!! I knew with every fiber of me that God was going to use Jessica to show His glory - and HE HAS! You must check out her blog site! Jessicakaylor.blogspot.com!!! PRAISE GOD!! (Check out comments from me on her blog from last week when Jake talking about life being Boring). God is good, and he has only the best plans for our life.
I will write more when we get back on vacation. Remember when I first began this blog I was dreaming of "Some beach, somewhere...", well, we are going tomorrow. We are going away with our good friends Molly and Ari Straus, and their 3 children. We are so looking forward to it! We'll be at the British Virgin Islands, at Ari's parent's house. The house is appropriatly named "Beach Dreams".
It felt a little overwhelming sitting on the table. One more step in this journey. The final one!! After a while you just get so sick of hospital settings, the sterol environments, the routineness of the process to the doctors and nurses. It is such a life altering experience for me, but to them, I am one of many coming through the door. I felt embarassased that I wanted to cry just lying there with the technician buzzing around, another tech measuring me, the doctor popping in and out to draw on me. I held it together. One step at a time. I can do this. I can do all things through Christ who strenthens me!!!
After the simulation I had to go to the mall to pick up a few things since we are going on vacation tomorrow. My friend Janette called me on my cell. She told me that her neice, Jessica's scan results came back with no evidence of cancer in her whole body!!! She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer the same time I was diagnosed stage 2. I was shaking and crying and so happy just standing there in front of "The Children's Place" at the JV Mall. God worked a miricle in Jessica. I am so very happy for her!! I knew with every fiber of me that God was going to use Jessica to show His glory - and HE HAS! You must check out her blog site! Jessicakaylor.blogspot.com!!! PRAISE GOD!! (Check out comments from me on her blog from last week when Jake talking about life being Boring). God is good, and he has only the best plans for our life.
I will write more when we get back on vacation. Remember when I first began this blog I was dreaming of "Some beach, somewhere...", well, we are going tomorrow. We are going away with our good friends Molly and Ari Straus, and their 3 children. We are so looking forward to it! We'll be at the British Virgin Islands, at Ari's parent's house. The house is appropriatly named "Beach Dreams".
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
All is going well for me! I know now that I am done with all the heavy drugs I will get healthier and stronger. I am so blessed and so happy to be done with this. I am looking forward to finishing radiation. I go in this week to get the simulation, which is just setting me up and mapping out the radiation. They want to radiate as little of the heart/lungs/ribs as possible so they need to do a CT scan and map out the best positioning. I know when this part is over I never have to do this again. It only gets better from here!!
I do have to finish all the other testing now, but that's only testing and that will just show that I am as healthy as ever and only getting better. I can't wait to work out on a regular basis, not to be interupted by chemo. I am ready to live the rest of my life.
I do have to finish all the other testing now, but that's only testing and that will just show that I am as healthy as ever and only getting better. I can't wait to work out on a regular basis, not to be interupted by chemo. I am ready to live the rest of my life.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Small Miracle Today!!!
Yesterday I went in and my blood count was too low to do chemo. My doctor said my blood counts were not good and she would not let me get the chemo if it was scheduled for that day. I needed to get another blood test today before my chemo to see if I could even get my last dose dense treatment. I was so worried about not being able to get my last treatment, I forgot to take my pre-meds (steroids) before I went to bed. Two strikes against me!!
I asked everyone I saw and talked to yesterday to pray for good blood counts so I can get my chemo. I woke up today feeling really tired, and forgot to take my pre-meds last night, so I was sure they wouldn't let me. I got there and the nurse said, lets just do the blood work, and see. I got all ready for my treatment, she took the blood and came back and showed me the report. In order for me to get chemo my blood count needed to be over 1.5, mine was 1.6. She also said the doctor said I could do IV steroids and still do my treatment. I believe in prayer!! Thank you all for this small miracle. I was so excited to get my last treatment. NO MORE CHEMO!!!!
I really thank God for this. I was sure I knew his will for my last treatment. I was sure He wanted me to get my chemo next week because of these last obstacles. One more little miracle and gift of love. He is with me and monitoring me every step of the way. I feel really silly for having been so upset. Hand your daily troubles to HIM! He will take them and make you strong and relaxed so you can live for Him and Him alone - no worries! He talks to me through these little trials.
Now on the the next phase - radiation and follow-up testing.
I asked everyone I saw and talked to yesterday to pray for good blood counts so I can get my chemo. I woke up today feeling really tired, and forgot to take my pre-meds last night, so I was sure they wouldn't let me. I got there and the nurse said, lets just do the blood work, and see. I got all ready for my treatment, she took the blood and came back and showed me the report. In order for me to get chemo my blood count needed to be over 1.5, mine was 1.6. She also said the doctor said I could do IV steroids and still do my treatment. I believe in prayer!! Thank you all for this small miracle. I was so excited to get my last treatment. NO MORE CHEMO!!!!
I really thank God for this. I was sure I knew his will for my last treatment. I was sure He wanted me to get my chemo next week because of these last obstacles. One more little miracle and gift of love. He is with me and monitoring me every step of the way. I feel really silly for having been so upset. Hand your daily troubles to HIM! He will take them and make you strong and relaxed so you can live for Him and Him alone - no worries! He talks to me through these little trials.
Now on the the next phase - radiation and follow-up testing.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Tomorrow is my last treatment... maybe, maybe not...
I need a vacation! I have had so many doctor's appointments, and have so many planned, I can't keep up. Last week I had my CT scans and a brain MRI. Everything is clear! Yeah, I didn't expect anything else. They did note some other colon issues which I knew about, but evidently it got worse since the last scan. So now I have a small bowel series, and a colonoscopy scheduled with a GI specialist. The scan also noted a protrusion in my pulminary artery, so I need to see a pulminary specialist. I need to see my primary physician first so she can refer me to the other specialists. Can you understand any of this, because I'm totally confused and not sure which doctor to see next! This is all in addition to radiation and chemo.
I have my treatment scheduled for tomorrow morning. I should say it is scheduled, but it may not happen. Today, I had my doctor visit where they take blood and check you out to make sure you can get the chemo. Well, Dr. Mills said that my blood counts are not good, and if I were scheduled for today she would send me home until next week. I will go in tomorrow before my treatment and they will do another blood test. I will be praying for some miracle that my blood levels raise over night. I hope you will be praying, too. I was stunned! I thought I was feeling pretty good. I guess I am just getting used to being tired all the time. I have been working out, and John has been juicing for me everyday. I drink a veggie/fruit concoction that John comes up with that contains tomatoes, cabbage, melon, grapes, apples and whatever else he can get in there. My body is just tired of getting these drugs!
I am scheduled to start radiation the week of August 26th. I will also be taking Tamoxafin. I'm not thrilled about the drugs. I do not want to take any long-term drugs. She says I will be on it for 2 years, and then switch to something else. Not thrilled with that!
Okay, here goes, more bad news. Everytime someone asks me if anyone in my family had breast cancer, I say no, well I can't say that anymore. My aunt Diane, whom you all know if you read my blog and comments, was just diagnosed today with Non-Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (DCIS). Non-invasive means it hasn't spread and is contained in a duct. It is a non-life threatening type of cancer which is very good. It is, however a type of cancer that may (or may not) be a precurser to an invasive cancer, so they can treat it the same as invasive cancer. Be praying for Diane. It is still early in the prognosis, she still needs surgery, and then I guess treatment options can be discussed from there. I think she is still in shock and doesn't know how to react. ** Hang in there Diane! It's okay to be upset or scared and cry, but know that everything is going to be alright, and you have a lot of people supporting you!! All our prayers are going up for you!! **
I can't believe I'm coming to the end of my treatment as Diane is just starting.
I have my treatment scheduled for tomorrow morning. I should say it is scheduled, but it may not happen. Today, I had my doctor visit where they take blood and check you out to make sure you can get the chemo. Well, Dr. Mills said that my blood counts are not good, and if I were scheduled for today she would send me home until next week. I will go in tomorrow before my treatment and they will do another blood test. I will be praying for some miracle that my blood levels raise over night. I hope you will be praying, too. I was stunned! I thought I was feeling pretty good. I guess I am just getting used to being tired all the time. I have been working out, and John has been juicing for me everyday. I drink a veggie/fruit concoction that John comes up with that contains tomatoes, cabbage, melon, grapes, apples and whatever else he can get in there. My body is just tired of getting these drugs!
I am scheduled to start radiation the week of August 26th. I will also be taking Tamoxafin. I'm not thrilled about the drugs. I do not want to take any long-term drugs. She says I will be on it for 2 years, and then switch to something else. Not thrilled with that!
Okay, here goes, more bad news. Everytime someone asks me if anyone in my family had breast cancer, I say no, well I can't say that anymore. My aunt Diane, whom you all know if you read my blog and comments, was just diagnosed today with Non-Invasive Ductal Carcinoma (DCIS). Non-invasive means it hasn't spread and is contained in a duct. It is a non-life threatening type of cancer which is very good. It is, however a type of cancer that may (or may not) be a precurser to an invasive cancer, so they can treat it the same as invasive cancer. Be praying for Diane. It is still early in the prognosis, she still needs surgery, and then I guess treatment options can be discussed from there. I think she is still in shock and doesn't know how to react. ** Hang in there Diane! It's okay to be upset or scared and cry, but know that everything is going to be alright, and you have a lot of people supporting you!! All our prayers are going up for you!! **
I can't believe I'm coming to the end of my treatment as Diane is just starting.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Keeping my eyes where they should be...
Busy week planned. Monday are the kids dental appointments, Tuesday is a birthday party, and Lindsey, my niece, comes in to spend two weeks with us, Wednesday CT scans and MRI, Thursday two different doctor appointments (for me), and Friday so far nothing. The days are filling up quickly. I also need to get my eyes checked and get my radiology simulation appointment, and get my colonoscopy. By the time I get done with all this medical treatment, there won't be one square inch of me that hasn't been poked, proded, looked at or medicated in some way. I am so sick of all these doctor's appointments.
I must admit that after my last treatment, I was back to feeling sorry for myself again. I'm feeling like "why me" again. I know it is just the chemo talkin' and can almost set my clock by it. But now I feel energized. I feel indestructable and purposeful and hopeful. This morning I got a kick in the spiritual behind. I realize I have been seeking healing from the world, from doctors. It's easy to do when you are just living from one appointment to another. I'm so sick of hearing about another cancer diagnosis and the hurt and destruction it can do to a family. We are all looking to the medical community to heal us, and I guess got sucked in as well. I need to keep my eyes fixed on God. Modern medicine is good, but God is infinate. I can't let my eyes waiver. I sat in church this morning and jotted a few things down - Apart from God, we can do nothing; I need the Word everyday - spiritual food. Even when we spend a short amount of time away from Him, the devil uses that time to sneak in. Letting in doubt, pity, weakness, hopelessness. I know healing comes from God. I won't let the doubt come in, my healing is in God's hands, I have no control. I ordered myself some Joel Osteen CD's to listen to in the car. He's a great preacher that I love to listen to. Keep your eyes on Him! That's what I need to remember. I let too much of the world in, I need to let more of the WORD in!
I must admit that after my last treatment, I was back to feeling sorry for myself again. I'm feeling like "why me" again. I know it is just the chemo talkin' and can almost set my clock by it. But now I feel energized. I feel indestructable and purposeful and hopeful. This morning I got a kick in the spiritual behind. I realize I have been seeking healing from the world, from doctors. It's easy to do when you are just living from one appointment to another. I'm so sick of hearing about another cancer diagnosis and the hurt and destruction it can do to a family. We are all looking to the medical community to heal us, and I guess got sucked in as well. I need to keep my eyes fixed on God. Modern medicine is good, but God is infinate. I can't let my eyes waiver. I sat in church this morning and jotted a few things down - Apart from God, we can do nothing; I need the Word everyday - spiritual food. Even when we spend a short amount of time away from Him, the devil uses that time to sneak in. Letting in doubt, pity, weakness, hopelessness. I know healing comes from God. I won't let the doubt come in, my healing is in God's hands, I have no control. I ordered myself some Joel Osteen CD's to listen to in the car. He's a great preacher that I love to listen to. Keep your eyes on Him! That's what I need to remember. I let too much of the world in, I need to let more of the WORD in!
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Getting Closer - 7 of 8 Behind Me!!
I made it though another round of chemo. One more to go. Mom and Grandma came with me. All went well. My next round is in two weeks. I'm upset about my last appointment though. I usually see the doctor first then go upstairs to the chemo room for my treatment. They bumped my chemo to the next day, so I will see the doctor on Tuesday, then go home and come back the next day to get my treatment. I was so upset! I made this appointment over a month ago so I could get the time I wanted. Now they bump me. They just don't want to see me go I guess.
I am supposed to go in now and get another CT scan of chest and abdomin and get an MRI of my brain. I had a migrain last week with blurred vision, so my oncologist suggested the MRI. I'm sure it will all come out clean. The CT scans are just follow-up. I'm not worried, just a precaution, I guess. I'll keep you posted.
For those of you who haven't already, you have to go to Jessicakaylor.blogspot.com and check out her picture. She looks fantastic. For those of you who don't know her, she is my friend Janette Yetter's neice who was diagnosed with breast cancer about the same time as I. Check out her blog site and you will be as uplifted as I am. Reading her blog has been an inspiration to me since we are going though this at the same time.
Keep praying for a cure for cancer. The prayer list is getting longer. Another relative diagnosed with cancer in Minnesota. Put Rosemary Wirth on your prayer list. She was just diagnosed with metastatic melanoma. She has a 10-15% chance of survival. Pray she will be in the 10-15%!!
I am supposed to go in now and get another CT scan of chest and abdomin and get an MRI of my brain. I had a migrain last week with blurred vision, so my oncologist suggested the MRI. I'm sure it will all come out clean. The CT scans are just follow-up. I'm not worried, just a precaution, I guess. I'll keep you posted.
For those of you who haven't already, you have to go to Jessicakaylor.blogspot.com and check out her picture. She looks fantastic. For those of you who don't know her, she is my friend Janette Yetter's neice who was diagnosed with breast cancer about the same time as I. Check out her blog site and you will be as uplifted as I am. Reading her blog has been an inspiration to me since we are going though this at the same time.
Keep praying for a cure for cancer. The prayer list is getting longer. Another relative diagnosed with cancer in Minnesota. Put Rosemary Wirth on your prayer list. She was just diagnosed with metastatic melanoma. She has a 10-15% chance of survival. Pray she will be in the 10-15%!!
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Weekend Update
Last Thursday, I checked out the radiologists. What a busy day driving around from one appointment to the next. I think I will continue to go to Sloan-Kettering for radiation. It is a lot of driving everyday, but I am comfortable with the care there and the radiologists. I will have 34 treatments every day and I guess I will start after Labor Day. That will be my new part-time job for about 6 weeks.
I have my next treatment on Tuesday. My mom and grandmother will go with me again. After Tuesday only one more. Thank the Lord! Thank you all for praying for me and with me to get me through this far.
This weekend we went to Mystic, CT (ever heard of the movie "Mystic Pizza"?). It was beautiful. Sunday we stumbled upon an antique boat show on the Mystic River in downtown Mystic. It was so neat, it was a parade of beautiful boats/ships/sail boats/ocean vessels. It was very impressive. (Gene Yetter - you would have loved it! Plan to go next year in July!) It was a fun weekend, however we ended up in traffic getting there and going home. What should have been a 3 hour ride ended up being at least an hour or 2 more each direction.
Had a great weekend - hope you did too. Not looking forward to Tuesday but that means only one more left. Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France again! Awesome! After I'm done with this, I need to work on winning some Tour de-something. I will be pumped and ready to go!!
I have my next treatment on Tuesday. My mom and grandmother will go with me again. After Tuesday only one more. Thank the Lord! Thank you all for praying for me and with me to get me through this far.
This weekend we went to Mystic, CT (ever heard of the movie "Mystic Pizza"?). It was beautiful. Sunday we stumbled upon an antique boat show on the Mystic River in downtown Mystic. It was so neat, it was a parade of beautiful boats/ships/sail boats/ocean vessels. It was very impressive. (Gene Yetter - you would have loved it! Plan to go next year in July!) It was a fun weekend, however we ended up in traffic getting there and going home. What should have been a 3 hour ride ended up being at least an hour or 2 more each direction.
Had a great weekend - hope you did too. Not looking forward to Tuesday but that means only one more left. Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France again! Awesome! After I'm done with this, I need to work on winning some Tour de-something. I will be pumped and ready to go!!
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Family History
Back to normal again. I feel great, except it is so hot and humid here in NY. It feels like south Florida. My mom and grandmother and I just hung out today. We were on the computer reading e-mails from Lars, a cousin in Sweden and Diane, my sweet aunt from Omaha. We also read another blog site of a relative who has cancer, too. It is amazing how many people have to go through this. Joannie, a cousin from Minnesota, has ovarian cancer, and Jim, her husband has prostate cancer. We spent a good part of the day reading their blog site and getting caught up on Joannie's fight. I almost couldn't read it. It is so close to home for me and I am so sorry that she and her husband have to go through this, too. We all need to pray for a cure for this horrible disease.
Lars' email got us looking at the Ellis Island website, and it was great talking to my grandmother about family history from Sweden and understanding where we came from and how we got here. Our family members came over here with $20 in thier pockets. My great grandmother came over with her sister Marie, and 3 small children through Ellis Island. Marie is Joannie's grandmother, so we have the same family history. We are cousins down the line. Life is precious. Live it everyday. Our journey is important, no matter how long or how short it is. God has a plan for each of our lives. Trust in Him. And continue to praise His name!!!
Lars' email got us looking at the Ellis Island website, and it was great talking to my grandmother about family history from Sweden and understanding where we came from and how we got here. Our family members came over here with $20 in thier pockets. My great grandmother came over with her sister Marie, and 3 small children through Ellis Island. Marie is Joannie's grandmother, so we have the same family history. We are cousins down the line. Life is precious. Live it everyday. Our journey is important, no matter how long or how short it is. God has a plan for each of our lives. Trust in Him. And continue to praise His name!!!
Sunday, July 17, 2005
One more down, 2 to go!!!
I haven't had a chance to sit down and post anything lately. I had a treatment on Tuesday, last week. My mom and grandmother came with me. My mother has been so worried I thought it would be good to go with her so she can see for herself what goes on. Not a place you ever think you want to take your mom. Sitting in the chemo room we just never imagined we would be sitting there together.
It went fine. I had my mom drive down there so she could get used to driving my Expedition and find her way back home. She ran into the wall of my driveway backing out of the garage. OPPS! No damage, just kind of funny. I slept most of the time getting the treatment while my mom and grandma went to the cafeteria for lunch and walked around. My mom said they checked up on me, but I was still sawing logs. It went smoothly and I got a nice nap. The treatment lasted from about 11:00am-4:00pm. We were home by 5:00 - I drove home.
On Wednesday, I felt so good I worked out in the morning! I even felt fine most of the day on Thursday. Thursday evening is when the leg pain started. It's so weird how that happens. I'm fine, then it hurts to walk. I took it easy most of this weekend. Saturday was our neighborhood block party. I spent most of the day sleeping then ended up at the party. I was hurting Saturday night. I need to take it easy. I did a lot of standing. That's the worst of it though! Not bad. This is so much better than the A/C part of my treatment. This Taxol is "cake" compared to that. I'm sure Monday morning will be even better. My next treatment is Tuesday, July 26th. It's coming fast.
Physically I'm doing fine. Emotionally, I'm making my way through. I am so happy to wake up everyday and take care of my family and just be with my children and husband and mom and grandmother. I can't wait to finish this treatment and radiation and not have to think about cancer every single day. What a load of garbage. Why is this a part of my life? I can't wait to put this behind me. I can't wait to have hair. I can't wait to feel healthy and strong again. It is coming! My dear Lord, help me endure and perservere, and win! I am strong and positive and healthy inside and out. This is only temporary. I know the Lord has sent me to be purified in the furnace and I will come out better than ever! Can I get an "AMEN"!!
It went fine. I had my mom drive down there so she could get used to driving my Expedition and find her way back home. She ran into the wall of my driveway backing out of the garage. OPPS! No damage, just kind of funny. I slept most of the time getting the treatment while my mom and grandma went to the cafeteria for lunch and walked around. My mom said they checked up on me, but I was still sawing logs. It went smoothly and I got a nice nap. The treatment lasted from about 11:00am-4:00pm. We were home by 5:00 - I drove home.
On Wednesday, I felt so good I worked out in the morning! I even felt fine most of the day on Thursday. Thursday evening is when the leg pain started. It's so weird how that happens. I'm fine, then it hurts to walk. I took it easy most of this weekend. Saturday was our neighborhood block party. I spent most of the day sleeping then ended up at the party. I was hurting Saturday night. I need to take it easy. I did a lot of standing. That's the worst of it though! Not bad. This is so much better than the A/C part of my treatment. This Taxol is "cake" compared to that. I'm sure Monday morning will be even better. My next treatment is Tuesday, July 26th. It's coming fast.
Physically I'm doing fine. Emotionally, I'm making my way through. I am so happy to wake up everyday and take care of my family and just be with my children and husband and mom and grandmother. I can't wait to finish this treatment and radiation and not have to think about cancer every single day. What a load of garbage. Why is this a part of my life? I can't wait to put this behind me. I can't wait to have hair. I can't wait to feel healthy and strong again. It is coming! My dear Lord, help me endure and perservere, and win! I am strong and positive and healthy inside and out. This is only temporary. I know the Lord has sent me to be purified in the furnace and I will come out better than ever! Can I get an "AMEN"!!
Friday, July 08, 2005
Feeling Great!!
Well, my mom and grandmother are here now. My sister and her family also stayed with us this week one night. My mom and grandma will stay for 3 weeks. Yeah!! Then my niece Lindsey will come and stay for about a week. I can't wait. Then I will be over with all this. I only have 3 more treatments. My mom will be here for 2 and Lindsey will be here for one, and then I'm done. Then radiation.
I stopped by the place where I will probably do radiation just to ask some questions. They said I will probably have 28 - 34 treatments. That's every day, Monday thru Friday. My oncologist said it's a law of Physics that they don't have to radiate over the weekend.
I'm feeling great these days. I feel almost back to normal. They weren't kiddin when they said this drug wasn't as bad. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been doing laundry, driving the kids all over, making dinner, cleaning the house, I feel great! I love "normal" life. I am so blessed. I say that over and over, but it is true. I pray that the worst is over.
I know that it is because of your prayers that I feel so good. Thanks a million!!
I stopped by the place where I will probably do radiation just to ask some questions. They said I will probably have 28 - 34 treatments. That's every day, Monday thru Friday. My oncologist said it's a law of Physics that they don't have to radiate over the weekend.
I'm feeling great these days. I feel almost back to normal. They weren't kiddin when they said this drug wasn't as bad. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been doing laundry, driving the kids all over, making dinner, cleaning the house, I feel great! I love "normal" life. I am so blessed. I say that over and over, but it is true. I pray that the worst is over.
I know that it is because of your prayers that I feel so good. Thanks a million!!
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Happy 4th of July!!
I am trying to figure out how to post pictures. I hope you like the pictures of my babies! They were taken exactly one month ago at Susannah and Sophia's dance recital. I was really out of it since it was 2 days after a treatment. I'm just glad I made it at all. For all of you in other states who haven't seen me - how do you like the new "doo"?
This last treatment was different. I am feeling alot of pain going down my legs and in my feet. Kind of like electric shock. I'm walking and my legs can sort of buckle up. This drug I am taking now involves a lot of nerve side effects - tingling in the hands and feet and bone pain. I am feeling better than the last drug, just different. I'm not sick to my stomach, though, which is nice. We'll see how this progresses. I'm hoping it gets better. Last time I was out for at least 5 days after a treatment. It's now been 4 days, and I am feeling better today, just the leg and lower back pain. I can take Tylenol for that. Yesterday I did not go out much at all and took a nap part of the day. I really needed that. Today we went out the entire day at Mona's house for a pool party/BBQ. I'm fine in a chair, although right now I'm a bit tired.
The 4th we have no plans. It will be nice to hang out with my family and do nothing. Hope everyone has a fantastic 4th of July. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!! I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!! GOD BLESS THE USA!!
This last treatment was different. I am feeling alot of pain going down my legs and in my feet. Kind of like electric shock. I'm walking and my legs can sort of buckle up. This drug I am taking now involves a lot of nerve side effects - tingling in the hands and feet and bone pain. I am feeling better than the last drug, just different. I'm not sick to my stomach, though, which is nice. We'll see how this progresses. I'm hoping it gets better. Last time I was out for at least 5 days after a treatment. It's now been 4 days, and I am feeling better today, just the leg and lower back pain. I can take Tylenol for that. Yesterday I did not go out much at all and took a nap part of the day. I really needed that. Today we went out the entire day at Mona's house for a pool party/BBQ. I'm fine in a chair, although right now I'm a bit tired.
The 4th we have no plans. It will be nice to hang out with my family and do nothing. Hope everyone has a fantastic 4th of July. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!! I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!! GOD BLESS THE USA!!
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