Keeping my eyes where they should be...

Busy week planned. Monday are the kids dental appointments, Tuesday is a birthday party, and Lindsey, my niece, comes in to spend two weeks with us, Wednesday CT scans and MRI, Thursday two different doctor appointments (for me), and Friday so far nothing. The days are filling up quickly. I also need to get my eyes checked and get my radiology simulation appointment, and get my colonoscopy. By the time I get done with all this medical treatment, there won't be one square inch of me that hasn't been poked, proded, looked at or medicated in some way. I am so sick of all these doctor's appointments.

I must admit that after my last treatment, I was back to feeling sorry for myself again. I'm feeling like "why me" again. I know it is just the chemo talkin' and can almost set my clock by it. But now I feel energized. I feel indestructable and purposeful and hopeful. This morning I got a kick in the spiritual behind. I realize I have been seeking healing from the world, from doctors. It's easy to do when you are just living from one appointment to another. I'm so sick of hearing about another cancer diagnosis and the hurt and destruction it can do to a family. We are all looking to the medical community to heal us, and I guess got sucked in as well. I need to keep my eyes fixed on God. Modern medicine is good, but God is infinate. I can't let my eyes waiver. I sat in church this morning and jotted a few things down - Apart from God, we can do nothing; I need the Word everyday - spiritual food. Even when we spend a short amount of time away from Him, the devil uses that time to sneak in. Letting in doubt, pity, weakness, hopelessness. I know healing comes from God. I won't let the doubt come in, my healing is in God's hands, I have no control. I ordered myself some Joel Osteen CD's to listen to in the car. He's a great preacher that I love to listen to. Keep your eyes on Him! That's what I need to remember. I let too much of the world in, I need to let more of the WORD in!

Getting Closer - 7 of 8 Behind Me!!

I made it though another round of chemo. One more to go. Mom and Grandma came with me. All went well. My next round is in two weeks. I'm upset about my last appointment though. I usually see the doctor first then go upstairs to the chemo room for my treatment. They bumped my chemo to the next day, so I will see the doctor on Tuesday, then go home and come back the next day to get my treatment. I was so upset! I made this appointment over a month ago so I could get the time I wanted. Now they bump me. They just don't want to see me go I guess.

I am supposed to go in now and get another CT scan of chest and abdomin and get an MRI of my brain. I had a migrain last week with blurred vision, so my oncologist suggested the MRI. I'm sure it will all come out clean. The CT scans are just follow-up. I'm not worried, just a precaution, I guess. I'll keep you posted.

For those of you who haven't already, you have to go to Jessicakaylor.blogspot.com and check out her picture. She looks fantastic. For those of you who don't know her, she is my friend Janette Yetter's neice who was diagnosed with breast cancer about the same time as I. Check out her blog site and you will be as uplifted as I am. Reading her blog has been an inspiration to me since we are going though this at the same time.

Keep praying for a cure for cancer. The prayer list is getting longer. Another relative diagnosed with cancer in Minnesota. Put Rosemary Wirth on your prayer list. She was just diagnosed with metastatic melanoma. She has a 10-15% chance of survival. Pray she will be in the 10-15%!!

Weekend Update

Last Thursday, I checked out the radiologists. What a busy day driving around from one appointment to the next. I think I will continue to go to Sloan-Kettering for radiation. It is a lot of driving everyday, but I am comfortable with the care there and the radiologists. I will have 34 treatments every day and I guess I will start after Labor Day. That will be my new part-time job for about 6 weeks.

I have my next treatment on Tuesday. My mom and grandmother will go with me again. After Tuesday only one more. Thank the Lord! Thank you all for praying for me and with me to get me through this far.

This weekend we went to Mystic, CT (ever heard of the movie "Mystic Pizza"?). It was beautiful. Sunday we stumbled upon an antique boat show on the Mystic River in downtown Mystic. It was so neat, it was a parade of beautiful boats/ships/sail boats/ocean vessels. It was very impressive. (Gene Yetter - you would have loved it! Plan to go next year in July!) It was a fun weekend, however we ended up in traffic getting there and going home. What should have been a 3 hour ride ended up being at least an hour or 2 more each direction.

Had a great weekend - hope you did too. Not looking forward to Tuesday but that means only one more left. Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France again! Awesome! After I'm done with this, I need to work on winning some Tour de-something. I will be pumped and ready to go!!

Family History

Back to normal again. I feel great, except it is so hot and humid here in NY. It feels like south Florida. My mom and grandmother and I just hung out today. We were on the computer reading e-mails from Lars, a cousin in Sweden and Diane, my sweet aunt from Omaha. We also read another blog site of a relative who has cancer, too. It is amazing how many people have to go through this. Joannie, a cousin from Minnesota, has ovarian cancer, and Jim, her husband has prostate cancer. We spent a good part of the day reading their blog site and getting caught up on Joannie's fight. I almost couldn't read it. It is so close to home for me and I am so sorry that she and her husband have to go through this, too. We all need to pray for a cure for this horrible disease.

Lars' email got us looking at the Ellis Island website, and it was great talking to my grandmother about family history from Sweden and understanding where we came from and how we got here. Our family members came over here with $20 in thier pockets. My great grandmother came over with her sister Marie, and 3 small children through Ellis Island. Marie is Joannie's grandmother, so we have the same family history. We are cousins down the line. Life is precious. Live it everyday. Our journey is important, no matter how long or how short it is. God has a plan for each of our lives. Trust in Him. And continue to praise His name!!!

One more down, 2 to go!!!

I haven't had a chance to sit down and post anything lately. I had a treatment on Tuesday, last week. My mom and grandmother came with me. My mother has been so worried I thought it would be good to go with her so she can see for herself what goes on. Not a place you ever think you want to take your mom. Sitting in the chemo room we just never imagined we would be sitting there together.

It went fine. I had my mom drive down there so she could get used to driving my Expedition and find her way back home. She ran into the wall of my driveway backing out of the garage. OPPS! No damage, just kind of funny. I slept most of the time getting the treatment while my mom and grandma went to the cafeteria for lunch and walked around. My mom said they checked up on me, but I was still sawing logs. It went smoothly and I got a nice nap. The treatment lasted from about 11:00am-4:00pm. We were home by 5:00 - I drove home.

On Wednesday, I felt so good I worked out in the morning! I even felt fine most of the day on Thursday. Thursday evening is when the leg pain started. It's so weird how that happens. I'm fine, then it hurts to walk. I took it easy most of this weekend. Saturday was our neighborhood block party. I spent most of the day sleeping then ended up at the party. I was hurting Saturday night. I need to take it easy. I did a lot of standing. That's the worst of it though! Not bad. This is so much better than the A/C part of my treatment. This Taxol is "cake" compared to that. I'm sure Monday morning will be even better. My next treatment is Tuesday, July 26th. It's coming fast.

Physically I'm doing fine. Emotionally, I'm making my way through. I am so happy to wake up everyday and take care of my family and just be with my children and husband and mom and grandmother. I can't wait to finish this treatment and radiation and not have to think about cancer every single day. What a load of garbage. Why is this a part of my life? I can't wait to put this behind me. I can't wait to have hair. I can't wait to feel healthy and strong again. It is coming! My dear Lord, help me endure and perservere, and win! I am strong and positive and healthy inside and out. This is only temporary. I know the Lord has sent me to be purified in the furnace and I will come out better than ever! Can I get an "AMEN"!!

Feeling Great!!

Well, my mom and grandmother are here now. My sister and her family also stayed with us this week one night. My mom and grandma will stay for 3 weeks. Yeah!! Then my niece Lindsey will come and stay for about a week. I can't wait. Then I will be over with all this. I only have 3 more treatments. My mom will be here for 2 and Lindsey will be here for one, and then I'm done. Then radiation.

I stopped by the place where I will probably do radiation just to ask some questions. They said I will probably have 28 - 34 treatments. That's every day, Monday thru Friday. My oncologist said it's a law of Physics that they don't have to radiate over the weekend.

I'm feeling great these days. I feel almost back to normal. They weren't kiddin when they said this drug wasn't as bad. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been doing laundry, driving the kids all over, making dinner, cleaning the house, I feel great! I love "normal" life. I am so blessed. I say that over and over, but it is true. I pray that the worst is over.

I know that it is because of your prayers that I feel so good. Thanks a million!!

Happy 4th of July!!

I am trying to figure out how to post pictures. I hope you like the pictures of my babies! They were taken exactly one month ago at Susannah and Sophia's dance recital. I was really out of it since it was 2 days after a treatment. I'm just glad I made it at all. For all of you in other states who haven't seen me - how do you like the new "doo"?

This last treatment was different. I am feeling alot of pain going down my legs and in my feet. Kind of like electric shock. I'm walking and my legs can sort of buckle up. This drug I am taking now involves a lot of nerve side effects - tingling in the hands and feet and bone pain. I am feeling better than the last drug, just different. I'm not sick to my stomach, though, which is nice. We'll see how this progresses. I'm hoping it gets better. Last time I was out for at least 5 days after a treatment. It's now been 4 days, and I am feeling better today, just the leg and lower back pain. I can take Tylenol for that. Yesterday I did not go out much at all and took a nap part of the day. I really needed that. Today we went out the entire day at Mona's house for a pool party/BBQ. I'm fine in a chair, although right now I'm a bit tired.

The 4th we have no plans. It will be nice to hang out with my family and do nothing. Hope everyone has a fantastic 4th of July. I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!! I'M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!! GOD BLESS THE USA!!

Alex is one handsome boy! 

Sophia, the superstar, with Amy and Alex! 

My beautiful Susannah at her dance recital. 

5 Down, 3 To Go

I did it!! I got my first Taxol round. I was there from 10:45 until 5:30. Anne Marie went with me and we had a nice time in the chemo room until I was knocked out with the Benedryl. We watched "Hitch" and I slept half way through. It's now 2 days after and I'm not feeling quite so sick. This isn't as bad as the previous 4 rounds. Everything is going fine.

Pastor - I read your posting and you reminded me to take my antibiotics! Thanks. I am so humbled by the fact that you pray for me at such historical Christian sites in Bethlehem, places where Christ himself walked. It is a reminder to me that Christ has healed me through His wounds, and I have nothing to fear. Have a safe trip!!

That fear has a way of sneaking in, though. Just talking to people around me in the chemo room makes me fearful. One lady about my age was there getting her chemo, we struck up a conversation and she's doing chemo for the second time. The first time was four years ago for breast cancer and now it's metasticized. I know there are so many more good stories and victories, and that's what I need to see.

I am also feeling guilty. I don't know why. I guess I feel like I'm coming up short for my husband and children. When you get married you vow to love each other in sickness and health, but I guess I thought I would be doing the caretaking. It's hard to be the one that needs to be cared for. Did I mention that one of the side-effects of these drugs is moodiness? Yeah, I guess I'm feeling a little of that now.

I am doing fine, though. Thanks again to all who keep me in their prayers. Only 3 more rounds and then radiation. I will be glad to put this behind me and look forward to running a marathon, or climbing a mountain, or just being a mom and wife again.

Here is a card I loved that my friend Kristin sent me, I had to share it with you:
A Coping Poem
"Into each life some rain must fall," Some brilliant person said.
Too bad that person's not here now-- I'd hit him on the head!
It isn't very comforting to know that life is hard,
But I want to let you know I care --
That's why I bought you this card.

I love that. It came in the mail and made me smile just when I needed it. Everything makes me cry, too. I was reading one of the drug card fact sheets and a side effect is mood changes. The card came on one of my weepy days, so a smile was just what I needed. Thanks Kristin.

Last week I was overly tired. It was hard to get moving. I wasn't going to do anything on my birthday because John was working, but Elizbeth came over and said "We're taking you out, and we already have the babysitter covered." How could I resist. Elizabeth, Carol, Janette, Marta, Susan, Lynn, and Christine took me out to dinner. It was so nice to sit on the lake and hang out with the girls. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Ladies!! Janette, you are next!!! (We missed you Kristin.) We definately need to do that more often.

John's birthday present for me was supposed to be a convertible for the summer, but the deal didn't happen, so he got me a portable DVD so I can watch movies during my treatments. That will really come in handy now that my treatments are going to be about 4 hours long now.

I have really been tired and I have another sore throat. I went in on Friday so they could get a throat culture and a blood sample. Turns out my red blood count is low (not the white) and I am going to get another shot for that so it doesn't fall below a certain level. The nurse said if it gets real low I would need a blood transfusion. I'll take the shot!! At least I now know why I've been so overly tired. It also turns out that I have another bacterial infection called H-flu. I am on more antibiotics. I must pick up every bug that floats by my face. My kids are all healthy and no one I know of has been sick. There's always something!!!

Tomorrow is my next treatment. It will be number 5 of 8. I start a new drug called Taxol. Taxol takes about 3 hours, but before I get an IV of Benedryl to help eliminate any allergic reations. Tonight and tomorrow morning I take a steriod. The doctor keeps saying that this is not as bad as the previous drugs. I hope so. I've spoken to other people and they say the worst part was numbness in the fingers and toes. Oh goody. Sounds great.

My sister-in-law, Anne Marie is going with me. We'll watch movies and have lunch and be home by 4:00. Anne Marie's 4 kids and my 3 will all be at my house with my mother-in-law for the day, so be praying for her!

Sue Citerella, a friend from St. John's Playgroup, sent around a letter, so now I have people from St. John's bringing dinner for me. We live in such a great community. Everyone pulls together to help. The dinner's really help, especially because I'm so tired. I'm wiped out by the end of the day. Even shopping wipes me out. I think dinner is covered for this week of my treatment. Thank you everyone!!! I'm lucky I get to see first hand how great people are.

I'll keep you posted on this next treatment. I'm not sure what to expect yet. I'll let you know!!

Good Morning!!

I'm feeling well today, finally. I plan to just be outside today and play with the kids. There's nothing else I would want to do today. I'm going to take it easy and love my babies. Alex and Sophia are home today and Susannah has school. I can't believe she is still in school- that's enough already! I always remember as a kid in Nebraska being out of school way before my birthday. My birthday is Wednesday and Susannah isn't out until Friday! John has something planned for my birthday. Every once in a while I catch him giggling. He's so bad a surprises. He can hardly keep it in. I'll keep you posted...

Off to the ER - False Alarm

I am now approaching the worst days of the chemo cycle. I am sick and tired and burnt out. I feel like all the joy has been yanked from underneth me. I know it will get better. I just read my previous blog and just reading those words outloud gives me strenth.

I so looked forward to the spring this year because we had such a long winter. I never thought it would mean the worst spring of my life. Maybe this will teach me to enjoy all the seasons of my life a little more.

I had my treatment on Tuesday and then on Wednesday I go in for a shot of Neulasta to boost up my white blood count. The nurse asked me "So how are you feeling?" I said fine, I just felt like I had some heart palpations earlier, but I went out for a walk and got fresh air and felt fine. - Big mistake. She felt she should mention it to the doctor and of course the doctor thought I should get checked out. So off I went to the emergency room for an EKG. I thought, that's not so bad I'll be in and out - wrong. They want to do every check they can think of, all the while I say I'm doing fine. I didn't get out of there until about 9:00pm and I got there at 5:00pm. Poor Brian Prazenka our friend and babysitter was stuck with the kids until John got home. Thank you Brian!!! I don't know what I'd do without you! I can't help worry about the kids while I'm being poked and prodded. It all turned out as expected, they could not find anything wrong except a high white blood count due to the Neulasta.

So now today, I'm just trying to get over this last round of chemo, and hoping the next won't be so bad. Thanks to all for praying. Your comments mean the world to me. Your strength gives me strength. - The door bell just rang - Food from Sue Prezanka delivered by the Stefuneks. Of course more tears for me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! I just can't help and look around me and see the great community we are all apart of. You guys are the greatest. From New York to Nebraska to Texas to Minnesota to Missouri and all the way to Sweden and Jordan, I know you are all there for me! It's amazing!!

Prayer request: "Are any among you sick? They should call for the elders of the church and have them pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord. And their prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make them well" (James 5:14-15)

Well, today I go in for #4. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, although I am happy to be half way done. Today is also the last dose of these particular kind of drugs. The doctor keeps telling me that this is the worst part. I hope it does get easier. I'm still in shock and can't beleive I have to do this at all. I'm just sick to my stomach thinking about it. At this point in the treatment, I think it's harder on my spirit.

The following is the medicine I need to get through the day. You can help me, too, by praying these things for me:

"If you do these things, your salvation will come like the dawn. Yes, your healing will come quickly. Your godliness will lead you forward, and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind" (Isaiah 58:8)

"'I will give you back your health and heal your wounds,' says the Lord" (Psalm 30:2)

"Praise the Lord I tell myself, and never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases" (Psalm 103:2-3)

"He personally carried away our sins in his own body on the cross so we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. You have been healed by his wounds" (1Peter 2:24)

I need to be reminded of these things each day. Sometimes I have a little pity party and think "Why me?" but I forget that I am already healed. I know the Lord has great things in store for me. I believe His promises for me. Every once in a while the self pity sneaks in.

Those are the words I will take with me to Sloan Kettering today. I have been healed by His wounds!

I have a few minutes, so I'll blog at you! You should know the drill by now. I'm feeling great! My last treatment knocked me out and now I'm on the upswing. (It was last week). What a busy week! I made it through. Now I'm looking forward to just planting my flowers under a floppy hat with lots of sunscreen!

I think the hair thing is already getting old. It is hot and I feel so weird wearing it. I think the hair is only for airconditioning. We went on Sunday to get annuals at the nursery, and immediately after getting in the car I whipped off the hair and replaced it with a ball cap. Then we saw Mike and Mary in the car and I whipped off the ball cap and I threw on the wig (hopefully no one saw the exchange - now that would be funny). I can't seem to make up my mind. You just may see me walking around like GI Jane - Dash-It-All!!

Now, I am losing my sense of taste. Everything tastes strange and I'm a little nauseous. I know every mother can relate. It's alot like pregnancy, only this is just for four months, and not the weight gain, so I guess I should be thankful(?). I just can't figure out now why last years summer clothes fit so snug. I just can't win.

Life goes on...chemo or not!

Well, I made it through another one on Tuesday. I'm just tired. My energy is zapped. I did find out that I did have a bacteria last time and that is why I got so sick. I had homopholous influenza, whatever that is. All I know is that I was sick and had a terrible sore throat. Now I'm taking antibiotics for it. I'm much better now. I guess I'm getting into the swing of this. I just make plans for when I'm feeling good, however that doesn't always work. Tuesday was Susannah and Sophia's dress rehersal for dance, Wednesday was Susannah's school play, tonight is their recital, this weekend is the Relay for Life and Sunday is the Sunday school breakfast (I taught Susannah's first grade Sunday school class this year along with my partner in crime Elizabeth Bauerlein).

This weekend is the Relay for Life that benefits the American Cancer Socitey. It is here in Mahopac at the high school and it is an all night relay to raise money. I will try to be there. I ordered several copies of the book that gives me inspiration, and I've mentioned it before, "Grace for Each Hour" by Mary J. Nelson. I think it's a great outreach for our church, and for me. The book gives inspiration and solid scripture to help you heal. I doesn't concern itself with the medical side, and that's refreshing. I don't know how I would make it through this without a church family helping me along, so now I want to reach out to others and offer a warm embrace and a welcome heart or just words of encouragement.

I am on my church council and selected to be on the outreach/evangelism committee. At first I didn't have a clear vision. I think my vision is coming piece by piece. I just need an actual committee. Maybe some of my fellow members of Grace can join me in this endeavor. E-mail me if interested (aymie@aol.com). More info coming soon in "Grace Notes".

Sunday is the Sunday school breakfast! See you there!

Memorial Day

We had a great weekend! Lots of BBQ, time with the kids, John and I got to go away for a night without the kids, and now tomorrow I have another round of chemo. I am slowly getting over my cold, but still have a sore throat and cough. I was hoping to be over it before this treatment. We'll see how it goes.

This will be number 3 of 8 treatments. We're getting there! It's so hard fitting everything in before the next round. I feel like I have to get everything done before I can't do anything again. This time my "Well" time was cut short by this cold. This will be a busy week ahead. Tomorrow is my treatment and Susannah and Sophia's dress rehersal for their dance recital. Wednesday is Susannah's school play, and Thursday is the dance recital. Wednesday and Friday are doctor's appointments. Saturday and Sunday is the Relay for Life. I have a lot to do, and probably not much energy to do it. We'll see how I do. I hope tomorrow goes well. I can't wait to get another one out of the way!

Amy and Aunt Julie

I Live in a Zoo

Yesterday I went to the Bronx Zoo with Susannah's first grade class. What a day! At first I wasn't sure if I should go because I've been fighting off a cold and sore throat. I'm supposed to call if my temperature gets up to 100.5 and it was about 99.7. I didn't want to disappoint Susannah and I felt fine, so I went. We had a great day at the zoo! We had so much fun and I'm so glad I went. It's always good to see all my friends and the other mothers. Great Day!!

When we got home I was exhausted to say the least. I made dinner for Susannah and Alex and Sophia came home via Uncle Mike from their Grandma's house. After dinner I sent the kids to their playroom so I could lie down for 30 minutes. I could not get up. I literally was unable to get off the couch. John was working late, so the kids were running FREE! They had a ball! All I could hear was laughing and screaming. My throat hurt so much I could barely talk, let alone yell at them. I sent them upstairs to get their PJ's on and asked Susannah to help Alex and Sophia. They did go upstairs, but filled up the bathtub and gave themselves a bath. Auntie Mary came to the rescue!!! Mary came over, went upstairs and got them dried off and ready for bed. They thought it was so special to have her tuck them in. (FYI- today I discovered Alex and Sophia also cut each other's hair!)

That was the first time I felt truely helpless. I felt as if I can't even take care of my kids. I can't thank Mary enough for everything. It's hard to accept that you can't do everything, especially when you are young and active. But the morning always comes. The sun will shine again. This is only temporary. Wow, the sun just came outside after a week of cloudy skies - how perfect!
Psalm 30:5 For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night, But Joy comes in the morning.