Happy Easter to everyone. We had a very busy day. Went to church at 8:30, then everyone came to our house for dinner. Had an Easter egg hunt in the yard. Today, I am exhausted. My sweet husband cleaned up the kitchen this morning so I'm going to take it easy today. Last Easter is just so vivid to me. How I felt, the uncertainty for the next year. When I went up to take communion, I glanced up at the chior loft, and saw Elizabeth doing bells. Looking stylish wearing her scarf, in the middle of her chemo. It seems every year there is one more person. It was a bit emotional for me. I'm just a baby.

But here I am a year later, cancer free!!! I got my test results back and they were all negative. I have a bone scan scheduled for Tuesday, but I think I will cancel it. I now know why my joints all ache. I went to Mt. Sinai to visit with a doctor there to discuss my Chrons disease. That's what put me in the hospital in January. I don't want to relive that. Anyway, come to find out, Chrons is simiar to Multiple Sclorosis in that is is an immune disease, and even asked if I had people in my family with MS or lupis. Come to find out, I'm not 100 years old, it affects your joints like arthritis. I also found out that my red, bloodshot eyes is also a sign of active disease. Who knew? Surgery may be in my future for this, and may be the best option. Very informative visit. More to come, I'm sure, as he evaluates my tests, films, etc.

I need a full time secretary to help me manage doctor's appointments. When will it end!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!

I made it through one year. Yesterday was one year since my surgery. It's kind of like my new birthday, only it's like the first step to the rest of your life. I stopped by the see Elizabeth and drop off some baked goods. She's doing great, looks great, and aside from being tired says she feels fine. I think chemo is a little like a lobster being dropped into a cold pot over a flame. You get sicker as you go, only you don't really feel it until you're really sick. Does that make sense? I remember feeling fine during chemo aside from having bad days, but once you have your last treatment you think, wow, I was really sick. It just sneaks up on you and the effect is cummulative.

I'm having Easter at my house this year, and planning Sophia's 6th birthday. Tomorrow is John's 40th!! He didn't want anything special. We are going to Las Vegas at the end of the month. I've been so busy. So much for taking it easy!

Lion's and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!!

That's all I could think of - Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! from The Wizard of Oz yesterday when I saw my oncologist at Sloan Kettering. I told her about some minor pain I've been having around the surgery/radiation site, so she prescribed an MRI, chest x-ray, and bone scan, Oh My! I guess that's all they can do. They have no idea what's causing discomfort, so they use the tools available to them. It's just a pain for me to schedule and go to. It takes a day to get all that done. Then there's the mind games attached to getting the tests and waiting for the reports. I'm sure it is nothing, and the doctor said "I'm sure it's nothing," but my mind tends to wander. They are being cautious, and I guess so am I.

I guess I'm getting geared up for Easter. Last year at Easter, I was just diagnosed, and I think that pain is coming back. I remember on Easter feeling so calm and so confident in the midst of the storm. That's Jesus. I need to keep my eyes on Him. I am strong and confident in Him. There, I feel better already. Thanks for listening to me ramble. I guess this is my therapy.

Long after the treatments are finished, you still feel betrayed by your body, and wonder if you will ever feel safe again. I'm still waiting to get to that point, so until I get there, Thanks for Listening!!

Die Fred, Die!!!

Well, I went to chemo again yesterday. ... With my friend Elizabeth. Those of you who don't know, Elizabeth was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma within the past month. She started chemo on Tuesday, and I along with her mother, accompanied her on her first day. She has 6 total treatments. The goal is to kill Fred (she named her tumor). You must check you her blog at EJBauerlein.blogspot.com. I got to hear cute stories about Elizabeth, and all the grey hairs she gave her mom. About the time she lacerated her liver at a church picnic, when she got lost in the woods when she was about 2 or 3 and they found her walking down the middle of the street, when she had a tea party on the top of a camper, etc. I couldn't help but think about my own children.

We camped out for the day. Her treatment lasted for about 5 hours. Turns out, Elizabeth is doing 2 of the same chemo drugs I did. I finished chemo last August, but it is amazing what you forget, or maybe you just block it out. Unfortunately, Elizabeth now becomes a member of the chemo sisterhood. I hope I can help her in some way. I would love to make it easier for her, but unfortunately, it's something you have to go through yourself.

Elizabeth is not mushy, but I am. I will publish the mushy parts on my blog. For all you mother's out there, say a special prayer for those with sick children. Even if those children are 27, 30, or 41. This one's for you Judy, Mil, Mom... It is hard for a mother to see her child have to go through something like this. That was the only time yesterday during the treatment when tears were shed. Elizabeth's mom, Mil, had to watch as her daughter was hooked up to chemo drugs to kill "Fred" hiding in her neck. Mil said she would go through this instead of her in a heartbeat. I understand that totally. I have said all along that I would rather go through this than any of my kids. It must be painful to watch your child struggle with an illness like cancer. Hats off to you mom, you are my strength; hats off to you, Mil, you will get through this, too. Just think, next year at this time Fred will be long gone, and Elizabeth with have yet another cute hairstyle.

Grace Touches My Life

The following is the "temple talk" I gave at my church, Grace Lutheran, here in NY. I thought it was appropriate to reprint in my blog since it applies to all of you as well as you were apart of my journey and healing through breast cancer. My task was to discuss what my church means to me and how it touches my life. I am not one for public speaking, and it scares me, but once I started, it was hard to turn it off. I have had such a great support throughout this whole "adventure", and I had the opportunity to thank the entire congregation publicly. Thank you to all of you, and thank you for your prayers, thoughts, and support.

John and I were asked today to speak about how Grace has touched our lives. If you heard Kathy Sherer last week, you will hear some similarities in our stories about how we came to Grace. I grew up in a Lutheran church in Omaha. I was raised in Sunday school, youth group, all my best friends were friends from church. I went on ski trips, canoe trips, retreats. I had a great experience growing up, and I’ve always dreamt to pass that on to my children.

John grew up Catholic, but since I agreed to move to New York, and leave my family in Nebraska, John agreed to attend the Lutheran church. After going to another Lutheran church in the area, and meeting with the pastor there, we both felt something was missing. I can’t remember one person who spoke to us, or one face. We probably attended every protestant church in the area until we found Grace. Unlike other churches, I remember the faces and the people who said Hello. One of the first people I remember going out of her way to say hello was Maria Hughes. That was just the beginning of a wonder friendship, and a series of friendships to come. That is how Grace touches my life.

Pastor’s first visit to our humble condo I remember telling him that John and I just found out I was preganant with our first baby, Susannah. I think that was probably in Januray 1998. Soon after John and I joined the church officially, and that was just the beginning. John and I attended regularly and soon I met another pregnant women even larger than me, Nancy Wood, (which was unusual since Susannah was 11lb 3oz.) , of course she was pregnant with twins. Soon we developed friendships that would last and become more meaningful as the years went by, the Yetters, Woods, Stefuneks, Bauerleins, Hughes, Brabans, and on and on. That is how Grace Touches my life.

I remember just getting invited to a girls night out, and not really knowing anyone. This was going to be the first time to go out with the ladies. Sue Dunn called me a few days before to cancel saying the Rudolf’s house had burned down. The church rallied and helped to raise money to get them back on their feet. That was my first time I saw the church in action, to make a difference, to help a part of our church family through a terrible ordeal, through prayer, donations, and genuine concern. That is how Grace touches my life.

When John and I joined the church we sat on the right side of the church about four rows back every Sunday. Behind us sat Marion Rudolph and her daughter Sue, every Sunday. Susannah and Mrs. Rudolph developed a relationship, flirting over the pews, and Mrs. Rudolph would bring Susannah something for Christmas and Easter. Soon she continued the tradition when Sophia was born. When Mrs. Rudoph died, Sue told me that when her mother was dying in the hospital she would tell her to think of holding the girls hands, and think of their tiny fingers holding hers and that was a sweet thought in her final days. That is how Grace touchs my life.

Soon after, Sue took up the tradition and would buy all three of my children something for Christmas and Easter. She was a special lady. When Sue herself was dying of cancer at Northern Westchester, John and I would take the kids to visit. She always looked forward to seeing them. The last time I saw Sue, I was taking her communion as part of the Eucharistic ministry. She died not more that a week later. That is how Grace touches my life.

I remember Susannah’s first Christmas pageant. She was a sheep as were all the pre-schoolers in the play. She stood next to Mark Yetter, who was a cow, and they were singing and swaying to the music. Soon the swaying became bumping into one another. The bumping into one another became, hitting, and then a leg and then Richard Hoover, their shepherd had to break up the brawl between the sweet little lamb and the adorable little cow. That became part of one of Pastor’s sermons, and after reminiscing about that all these years later, people still remember the pageant when the lamb and the cow went at it during the pageant. That is how Grace touchs my life.

Everyone in this church is a part of our extended family. Our first baby-sitter was Erica Bauerlein, and then Elizabeth Bauerlein. My kids loved them and we felt comfortable leaving our children to them. When I found out I was pregnant with Alex, I remember asking Elizabeth how much she would charge for babysitting three children. Her reaction I will remember forever. She was so happy for us, and I was so touched. The Bauerleins became an extension of our own family and Janette Yetter and I kid them that we want to be an adopted sister since both our families are in other states. I think we did become honorary sisters after all. The first Easter egg hunt Susannah attended at the Bauerleins was when Sophia was born. My cousin visiting from Sweden took her while I recouperated from giving birth just days before. Last year, I was recovering from surgery, and Bill Prazenka came to my house to find out why my kids weren’t there and he and Brian and Evan DeMarzo proceded to take them to the Easter Egg hunt. I was looking at the video recently and trying to figure out who’s voice that was taking the video, and when this was that Katrina was taking the kids Easter egg hunting. I realized quickly that it was of course Bill’s voice, and he was following my kids around with Katrina taking video so I could see them. This is how Grace touches my life.

It was exactly one year ago when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. What a year. Some of the darkest days I’ve ever known, and some of the brightest. I remember e-mailing Pastor as soon as I found out. Soon there after, the emails, letters, prayers, meals, began. I could not have imagined the outpouring I received, and I can never say thank you enough. Words can’t say thank you enough. I remember Pastor’s sermon on Easter morning last year about how life can stop on a dime. We sat in the front of the church, and I could hear the sniffles all around me and I felt like Pastor was speaking directly to me. This is how Grace touches my life.

Last year not long after, I attended the Relay for Life, and outreach for Grace at Mahopac High school. It was difficult since I just had a treatment two days before, and I just lost my hair and was a little embarrassed to be wearing a wig. I didn’t know if I would have the strength to walk around the track for the survivor’s lap, emotionally. I did the lap with Elenor Vogel on one side and Carol Hoover on the other and everyone else cheering from the bleechers. I had the strength. It seems that every year one more person from our church walks that survivors lap, and we are all there to support one another. That is how Grace touches my life.

You brought me meals so my family could eat. You took me to chemo treatments. You took my children under your wing. You prayed for me and my family. You baby –sat my children so I could sleep. You took time out of your busy lives to send a card to let me know you are thinking about me and my family and praying. You sent flowers. People tell me they admire how strong I am. That I made it through the most difficult time in my life because of some inner strength. They are wrong. I made it through because of the strength I got from The Lord, that continuing relationship that began all those years ago in Sunday School and Youth Group as a child, and the strength I got from you, Pastor and my family. You prayed when I couldn’t, you cooked when I couldn’t, you drove me when I couldn’t, you took care of my children when I couldn’t. I could not have done it without all of you. That is how Grace touches my life.

Now I am so thankful for you, my church family, more than you know. I just hope I can give back as much as you have given me. And I pray that my children will grow up with the happy memories as I have had. For them, their life-long walk with Christ begins today, in this church. This church practices what Jesus first taught us, love your neighbor as yourself. Treat others as you want to be treated. We are not perfect, but I do know that if you are looking for Jesus, you will find him at Grace. That is how Grace touches my life.

Thankful for Every Day!!

Well, I'm getting used to the hair. I know there are bigger things in life, but when you've been bald for the better part of a year, it just becomes more important. I don't have much to say, Thank God! My next appointment is in April for genetic testing at Sloan Kettering in New York City. Should be fun.

I am just so thankful for every day. I am thankful for days when the word "cancer" doesn't even come to my mind. I remember during my treatments thinking, "will there ever be a day when it's not on my mind." Well, I think those days are coming. Yesterday, I had a great day just doing "Mommy" stuff - getting kids on the bus, picking them up from pre-school, doing laundry, making dinner and being so thankful that I can do it all.... I just had to get up from the computer and threaten one of my children, I love being a mommy!

I will enjoy each and every day without sickness. Those days when that is all you can think about are suffocating. I can now feel like I can breathe. I don't know what to do so it never comes back. I'm not sure there is anything anyone can do. Just try to live as healthy as possible, and enjoy every precious day. Enjoy every day, even the seemingly mundane. It can all turn on a dime.

When I hear the song by Tim McGraw called "Live Like You Were Dying", I just think, "That's not what I'd waste my time doing.. "I'd go sky diving, I'd go Rocky Mountain climbing, I'd go 2.7 seconds on a bull named 'Fu Man Chu'..." I'd just spend every minute with my family doing nothing, watching movies, hanging out, playing games, wrestling my 3 year old. Those days are precious. I love every moment (although I could use a little alone time occasionally, a massage would'nt hurt either - ha ha ha).

Where's Amy?

Hello Everyone! Well, It is appoaching the one year mark since I was diagnosed. I am pretty emotional about it. I'm not sure if that's because of the Prednisone, or just normal. Last year at this time, John and I planned a night at the Waldorf in New York City. The morning of the day we left, I found "the lump" that would change my life. The whole weekend we were supposed to be having fun, I was scared, crying, not sure, hoping it was nothing. Then on Monday, the doctor's appointments started and haven't let up since. (I had two appointments last week!)

Last week I attended a support group meeting at the Support Connection for young survivors. We all have young children and are in varying stages of recovery. It was nice to talk to others in the same situation. I also found out that another mother at the playgroup where Alex goes to school was diagnosed December '04. She's to her one year mark now, only she is stage 4. She has spots on her liver. She also has a 4 year old and a 6 year old. You can add her to your prayers! She has not done any chemo since she is stage 4. I think now for her quality of life is important as well as stopping the spread. Makes my problems now sound so trivial.

I'm having a break-down because of my hair. Or maybe in spite of my hair. Or maybe I'm just breaking down. Everything is catching up with me. Last week I went in to the hair dresser to get a lift. I am feeling blah, and wanted to get some color to make me brighter and sunnier (and hide grey). Anyway, I ended up looking like a man. Now I'm experiencing the trauma of my hair falling out all over again. My hair, which has been blonde my whole life, is now brown and dull. He also asked if he could just "clean it up a little". I said "okay". He trimmed my hair, which was only about an inch long to begin with. I now have shorter, dull brown hair with sideburns. I am traumatized now. Alex looked at me and said, "Mommy, you look like a boy." Can't argue with a 3 year old. Sophia said, "Mommy, what did you do to your hair?" I just wanted to cry.

You just get to a point where you want to feel like yourself. I look in the mirror after gaining so much weight after taking the steriods, and not having any hair and now "man hair", and I wonder where Amy went. I have no time to myself, to do anything I once did. Kids and housework and activities and everything and everyone else comes first. Where did Amy go? When I find out, I'll keep you posted.

Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Our trip to Nebraska was fantastic. We just got back on New Years Day. Still trying to get everything back to normal. We got in Sunday night, the kids went back to school on Wednesday, and I was admitted to the hosptial on Thursday night with a bowel obstruction. I am now in the hosptial to see if it will clear up on its own, otherwise I will need surgery to clear it up. Hopefully it won't get that far. I have Crohns disease, but have never had much problem with it until now. I think probably something I've been through this past year triggered it.

Now I'm just sitting here in bed with an NG tube in my nose going down my throat to get anything out of my bowels. I can't eat or drink anything and haven't since Thursday night. The nurse just came in and gave me a Cepacol for my throat - what a treat! First thing in 3 days. I'm much better today. My spirits are up and my attitude is great. Today is a new day.

I have never felt pain like this before, bar none. I was laying on the floor unable to move when the EMT's came to get me Thursday night. I was pretty low when I got here, feeling very sick, lots of pain, wondering what's next. Today is a beautiful Sunday morning, I got to see my kids last night, and I got a Cepacol this morning, which I am enjoying as we speak.

It's amazing what you consider a good day after all that I've been through. Forget about pampering, I just want a shower; forget about a big fancy meal, I just want a glass of water; forget about running 3 miles on the treadmill I look forward to walk around the room a few times a day when I'm not hooked up to anything.

Right now I'm looking forward to John bringing the kids up to see me today. They are so sweet and I can just see the concern on their little faces. Alex didn't want to leave last night and was crying, and of course that started me up. They all made me sweet cards and we snuggled in my hospital bed, all four of us. We watched "Annie" with Carol Burnett. I was very touched when they sang, "The Sun Will Come Up, Tomorrow..." Perfect timing.

Anyway, I'll just lay here with my laptop and catch up on my e-mails. Send me messages so I have something to do! John got me a laptop for Christmas. I Love It. God Bless you and your families, have a great New Year!!

No News Is Good News

I've been really bad about posting news. Thank God, nothing to report. I had a follow-up ultra-sound to see the cyst on my overie, but it was gone. The tech said that's good and there was just a bit of fluid which probably means it burst and that is normal. I can breath a sigh of relief.

Now the Christmas season begins. Lots to accomplish, bake, shop, wrap, decorate, pack. I find joy in everything, even though it is a bit stressful. Yesterday, I was taking laundry down the stairs (my comforter from my bed that Alex had an "accident" on) and I tripped over a bucket which sent an army of small toys flying. I'm always telling the kids not to play on the stairs. I could have gotten mad, (I did, for about 2 seconds), but then I just thanked God for my children.

Thank you baby Jesus for coming to save us.

The Power of Prayer

It has been so long since my last post. I think because when I finished, I just didn't want to think about it anymore. It's kind of like my husband John, who when he is sick of talking on the phone, when he hangs up, he almost throws the phone to get it away from his ear. I guess I feel the same about cancer treatment, so I just had nothing to say.

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. We did. John and I hosted Thanksgiving at our house this year. I really have a lot to be thankful for. We had 24 people for dinner. It was really a lot of fun. Thanksgiving morning the kids woke up to snow on the ground. They were so excited. It was really a great day. The only thing missing was my family since they are in Nebraska, but I was with them in spirit! My daughter, Susannah said. "This is the best day of my life!" We all have a lot to be thankful for.

As a part of Outreach for our church, I am trying to start an active prayer group to pray for our community, leaders, our prayer list, whatever we are lead to pray for. Any church members reading this, please give me a call and we can get this started in January. Anyway, this journey has taught me the importance of prayer and how important it is to pray for others.

When I was first diagnosed, there was a breast surgeon in New York City who was struck and killed by an ambulance as she was crossing the street. The story went on that she was a pioneer in the field of breast cancer, and what a great loss it was. I was so moved, I began praying for her family, and also her patients. I could not imagine if she were my doctor, and then suddenly killed while trying to save my life. A few weeks ago, I was pampering myself getting a pedicure. I was reading an article in a magazine about a women who had breast cancer and how she is getting on with her life. I was so touched and fighting back tears with my feet soaking when I read that she was one of the people I had prayed for. She said it was her doctor who was stuck by an ambulance all those months earlier. I felt like, wow, full circle, prayer comes back. You never know who will be covered by your prayers, and how you can touch others and be touched.

I have so many other stories about how prayer has touched others and touched me. You never know where your prayers will take you and how God moves to answer them. Sometimes they are answered for the people you pray for and sometimes they are answered for you. Not my will, Lord, but yours.

I ask you all to keep praying for healing for Jessica Kaylor who has breast cancer, for Rosemary Wirth in Minnesota with Melanoma, for Diane Taylor, my aunt who is recovering from her double mastectomy, for Lois, Kristin Severino's mom, for Joan, stage 4 ovarian, and Jim, prostate cancer in Minnesota, and myself. I have another CT scan next week as a follow-up. Just pray that it will be clean! Even though I am done with my treatment and my prognosis is very good, you always have that fear with every pain you have. I have been having some weird abdominal pains that my doctor wants me to check out, so off I go for another CT scan. I'll keep you posted.

Support Connection Walk in October

This is Janette Yetter and myself finishing the walk in October. Janette was with me at the beginning of this journey and it was fitting that we finished together as well.









It was overwhelming how many people were at the event. Many walking in memory of mother's, sisters, aunts, friends who lost their battle. Janette and I were walking for survivors! For myself, my aunt Diane and for Jessica, Janette's neice in Texas who is still battling this terrible disease. Please continue to pray for Jessica! She has been in remission with stage 4 breast cancer, and at her recent scan they found a few more spots of cancer. We will pray for total healing for Jessica!!

All Done!!

Yes, I am done with radiation now. Thank the Lord! It's been one week without having to drive down there and get zapped. I actually got to drive Alex to school, talk to his teachers, talk to the other mothers. I went to the gym and worked out. There is actually life out there in the morning. I don't know what to do with myself. I think I just need to rest for a while.

I had an appointment with a pulminary specialist and he was unimpressed with my previous CT scan that suggested pulminary hypertension. I am not surprised and expected such. He said for me just to follow-up with an eco-cardiogram if I want to be certain.

I am now taking Tamoxofin and will continue to do so for 2 years. I'm supposed to take it 2 times a day. I am not used to taking anything, so this will be a real test to see if I can do it 2X a day. I already forgot once. Tamoxofin is supposed to help diminish the chances of a recurrance by blocking estrogen in the body.

I am looking to get my life back. My eyelashes are back, maybe that's my sign. I am now walking around without a wig and without a hat. It's pretty short, but it's my hair. I figure that this is as short as it will ever be.

Thank you Lord Jesus for getting me through this! Thank you friends and family! I did it. I now join the thousand of survivors who came before me. We did it!

One more week!

I am so relieved to be in my final week of radiation. Friday I will get my last zap. Last week I finished up the radiation to the entire breast area, and this week I get radiated in just the area around where the tumor was. That is called a boost. I am red and sunburned and itchy and tired and achey all over. I didn't think radiation would be so draining. My energy is zapped and I have been sleeping as much as possible. I get tired very quickly. Could be why I haven't "blogged" in a few weeks. I can't wait to put this chapter behind me.

My aunt Diane had her surgery last week. She opted for a double mastectomy so she could rest at ease not to have to go through this again in a few years. I admire her courage. She's doing great and recovering at my mom's house. She's been one of my biggest cheerleaders and now I want to be hers! You GO Diane!! You are so strong and courageous! I am proud of you.

I went to the gym for the first time since I started radiation. It felt really strange, and my body feels weak still. I haven't felt like this ever. I've always pretty much worked out. Or when I took time off, I felt pretty good starting back, but today I actually felt sick after I worked out. I didn't even do much, just the elliptical trainer. It felt good to work out, I just felt really weak after. I have a lot of work to do and am eager to get back to doing it!

I have many doctor's appointments set up now as follow-up. MRI's, mamogram, bone density, follow-up doctor's appointments. I have a full schedule until Thanksgiving. I can tell you that this Thanksgiving I will be thankful, and that's an understatement.

John and I are going to see Joel Osteen at Madison Square Garden this Thursday. Should be great, but we are sitting in back of the stage (don't tell John-ha ha ha). Thanks Lindsey for your comment on my last post - I LOVE IT!!

Freckle Mix-up

FYI - I posted in a previous blog about the radiation techs dotting a freckle and not the tattoo, well the doctor assured me I am fine and it had no effect on my radiation. I am now beginning to have skin rashes from the radiation. He prescribed 2 topical creams that should help with that. He called it "Radiation Dermatitus". One more affliction to dump on the pile. It just itches like crazy! I hope the creams work.

Chaos & Heartache & Hope

This morning was a bit of chaos. I have to get Sophia on the bus at 8:00, Susannah on the bus at 8:50 and in between I usually try to get myself ready and make the drive to my daily shot of radiation. Today was hectic, as I'm sure you all have mornings like that. I didn't have time to get myself ready, spilled a 44 oz cup of water that was sitting on the bathroom floor (don't ask me why it was there), 4 minutes later spilled my own glass and broke it all over the bathroom sink while drying Susannah's hair. I was mad at John for something, and he was mad at me for something, and it was just funny so I just laughed. It was one of those mornings, but it just means that I'm alive and blessed by a busy family, and a wonderful husband who goes to his office each morning and works for his family. - Yes, I love my husband!!

I was up last night and could not sleep. One of those nights when you think of everything, and then try to do positive affirmations to get to sleep. It's hard to sleep when all you think about is this terrible disease. I don't necessarily think of my own cancer, sometimes I do, but also other people whom I meet each day at radiation. It just takes its toll. Yesterday a lady came out of her treatment just crying. I was gowned up and waiting in the ladies lounge waiting for my name to be called. She came into the locker area and then went into the changing room. I could hear her crying in the dressing room. I was very touched. I could feel what she was feeling with her. I was afraid they would call my name and I would miss her when she came out. I felt she needed someone to talk to. She did come out and I asked her if she was okay - No. Did she come with someone - yes, my husband. She said she needed to see the doctor today, that she was in so much pain in radiation and she has to do it twice a day four hours apart. She said she just cries thinking about doing radiation again. She is also going through chemo at the same time. She has in-operable lung cancer and give her a 20% chance of being alive in ten years.

Another lady who I always saw during chemo was at the radiation suite on Friday. I struck up a conversation with her, how are you?, are you doing radiation also?, when are you done with chemo?. What a friendly person she is, bright smile, always wears a bandana, always alone. She said she will always do chemo, that it must become a part of her life. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in January. She moved here from Texas to live with her sister so she could go to Sloan Kettering. We had a nice conversation. She told me that it is hard to keep her spirits up, sometimes she gets depressed. I can certainly understand. When I left I got to my car and got my Joel Osteen cd's on Keeping Your Joy and brought them in and gave them to her. I don't know if she's a Christian, but she knew Joel Osteen and said "He's from Texas just like me." She said she would listen to them, and even the insurance person from the office she was there to see said she enjoys him, too. (FYI - Joes Osteen is a preacher from TX I like to listen to in my car on the way to radiation. I feel blessed and ready to go after I hear his message.) I need to order that CD again now. I just hope she is as blessed with the message as I was. Get it for yourself on his website at JoelOsteen.com. You won't be disappointed.

Anyway, since I don't have my CD's anymore, I took the advice of Jacque, Janette's sister (also in TX) and rocked out on my way to radiation. I even bought a Van Halen CD on my way home. Sometimes you just have to rock out! It made me think of a simpler time in my life, when who you were going to Homecoming with was your biggest concern, and that felt really good.

Cancer is not fair, it doesn't care how old you are, how much money you have, how many kids you have, what kind of support network you have, how healthy you seem to be, it is ugly and destructive and so many lives are affected by it. This weekend I am going to walk for the Support Connection. The Support Connection is located here in New York. I called them when I was diagnosed, at the suggestion of Janette Yetter. They helped me by talking to other survivors who had gone through the same diagnosis and treatment and even same doctors. The Support Conncection offers counseling, support and activities to women and families affected by breast and ovarian cancers. I don't know what I'm going to do, I just know I want to support the people who supported me.

I mention Janette Yetter so much on this blog. I need to get a picture to post. Any one have a picture of her we can post? Maybe I'll take pictures at the walk this weekend so you can meet her. She's been such a big part of this journey with me, even though we don't see each other all the time. At church a few weeks ago I saw her and just started crying, I don't even know why. This week at church she gave me a pair of socks with the pink ribbon on them. Thanks, Janette. This weekend we're both skipping church since the walk is on Sunday morning. But I'm sure we won't be far from the Lord - just a different location. If you want to support us in our walk, you can send a check to the Support Connection, (check out their address in comments on the previous post), or go to their web site which I beleive is www.Supportconnection.org. If you wish, you may mail a check to me made out to The Support Connection, and I will make sure they get it. My address is Amy Sayegh, 35 Oak Pond Lane, Mahopac, NY 10541.

More on Radiation...

Wow! I haven't posted a comment for a while! Rest assured I'm doing fine. I am so busy with this radiation and 3 children in 3 different schools. On top of that, I'm tired all the time. My radiation should end October 21st. So just one more month of this torture. My skin is holding up just fine. So far, so good.

I did have one "Uh Oh" moment last Thursday. When they line you up and position you on the table before they treat you they dot the tattoos they gave me to make sure they see them when aligning me up with the machine. I usually leave with five black marker dots on my skin. Before I leave, I usually try to remove the dots so I don't go walking around with dots on me. Last week when I was taking off the marker after my treatment, I noticed that they "dotted" a freckle instead of the tattoo. I brought it up to the tech immediately, and she assured me I am fine, and they lined me up properly from the other tattoos. I don't feel assured, and will ask the doctor on my next visit. Obviously, I can't do anything about it now, but I just want to know. I don't think they will be dotting any more freckles.

About radiation: it doesn't hurt, it's just like getting an x-ray. After a while your skin starts to react and brown and then burn (just like being in the sun). I get actual x-rays once a week, and visit the doctor once a week. I get the treatment every day Monday thru Friday. The longest part of the treatment is getting positioned to make sure they radiate the same spot each day, radiating as little of the heart, lungs, or ribs as possible. The actual treatment is about 4 minutes. Everyone is so nice, and I'm in and out pretty quick.

At this point in my treatment, I'm just getting tired of everything. I can't wait to get back to normal, if that's possible. My feet still bother me from the chemo (Taxol). My left foot hurts and feels like it's asleep a lot - something I guess I'll have to bring up to the oncologist. I wonder if you ever really get back to normal or if that's just in the past now. I guess maybe a new "normal". I'm spacing out my doctor's appointments now. Nothing is "life-threatening" (thank the Lord), so I can plan my appointments so I don't have an appointment every day.

FYI, I got an e-mail from the American Cancer Society and they said they are busy getting people affected by Katrina help and treatments elsewhere. That was one of the things I was concerned about, and I get an e-mail about it. If you donate to the American Cancer Society, you can see where the money goes. Check out their web-site at cancer.org, they should have more on their hurricane efforts if you are interested.

Also, I am participating in the Support Connection walk here in NY on October 2. They are the ones who I called when I was diagnosed and I spoke to a few really nice people in the same position as I. It was nice to talk to someone. They gave me lots of info and made me feel like I'm not alone. They offer lots of services to women diagnosed with breast and ovarian cancer. Let me know if you want to sponser or donate. I'm participating because they helped me.

Will Work For Gas Money!

My previous post stated that my commute to radiation was 15 miles each way. Correction - 25 miles each way. I am currently taking any donations to fill up my gas tank (just kidding). Last time I filled up it cost me $89.00.

I was just e-mailing a family member, who is also going through cancer treatments. He was saying how he wondered what people did who didn't have friends or family around. I have to agree. You all have no idea how much you help me. I know I say it over and over, but it's true. I wrote back that you really find out how wonderful people can be, but I wish I didn't have to go through this and still thought most people were rotten (ha ha-again, just kidding).

I haven't felt any side effects from the radiation yet except being tired. But I think I was pretty tired before, so nothing new.

Rat Race

I had my first round of radiation today. One down 32 to go! I figure I'll be done October 20th. Tomorrow will be the beginning of the rat race for me with Susannah and Sophia starting school on 2 different buses at two different times and then driving Alex to school. Alex doesn't start school until Thursday. I have Elizabeth Bauerlein babysitting in the AM for Alex so I can go get my treatment. Wednesdays will be longer since I see the doctor every Wednesday. The rat race begins - council meetings, back to school nights for two different schools, Susannah's birthday party, lia sophia (jewelry) meeting and shows, Sunday school, kids activities and sports - on top of driving 15 miles each way to radiation everyday! I'm already tired. I guess I'll have time to enjoy my Joel Osteen CD's in the car. One thing I won't forget is to "smell the roses" each day. Thank you, Lord, for all this activity! We just don't know what is in store for us each day. I just thank God that I can enjoy every day I have.

My hair is definately coming in now. My kids call me Fuzzy Wuzzy. We have fun saying that rhyme, "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he." I guess you had to be there. Say a prayer for those affected by Katrina!

Vacation Pics

Are these girls right out of a postcard or what!


























I can't believe I have the guts to publish this picture. I do have hair, you just can't see it because it's baby hair!

How Lucky We All Are

I am back from vacationing in Virgin Gorda, British Virgin Islands, and getting back to normal life. Lots of laundry and doctor's appointments this week. We had a fantastic time and welcomed the opportunity to do nothing but relax at the pool and beach.

This week was a follow-up visit with the oncologist, a radiology visit, and a colonoscopy - everyone should do one. All is well. I feel great and ready to move on to the next phase of my healing process. Radiology begins next Tuesday for 33 treatments. My biggest problem is timing my visits between bus schedules and pre-school. I welcome these kind of challenges.

Doesn't it just kind of shrink your problems just seeing those poor people affected by the hurricane? I just can't help thinking about the women in New Orleans or Mississippi who is going through this same process now who also has to worry about her home, family, and when and if she can continue treatments and where she goes from here. I'm sure there are lots of people who are affected by this terrible hurricane who also have other trauma's to deal with in their lives. What about the woman who is just going through her diagnosis and now all her records have been washed away. Where do you go from here? How can we help, I don't know. I guess the best thing right now is to pray for these people and send money to the Red Cross or whatever charity can help. I think we all must help, however big or small.

From what I've seen in my little micro part of the world, you are all out there already, ready to help. I have seen so much out pouring of people wanting to help, and seeing me through my crisis, I just know that we will all pull together to help those affected by Katrina. Maybe you can't see what you can do, but I can. All of us pulling together, one by one, we all make a difference. With me, every phone call, every note, every silent prayer, every smile and how are you doing, every meal delivered to my door, every e-mail, and on and on, each little act of kindness helped me through this terrible time in my life. As a nation, if we all do whatever we can, we can help our fellow Americans through this terrible disaster. I have experienced it first hand! Thank you all!!!